Found out that my husband was having an affair in May. Been working on things and it has been up and down. Just asked to access his work account and found old e mails from the ex. I want to read them and he didn't want me to. What do I do?

Welcome to MB, though I'm sorry you have the need to be here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Could you give a little more information?


How long have you been married? Ex wife? Ex girlfriend? Kids? When were the emails from? While you were married? Before you were married? What reason did he give for you not reading them? Is the affair with this "ex"? How did you find out about it?

Sorry if that's too many questions...just trying to get a feel for things. I'm sorry you are hurting.

Been together 15 years, been married 11. I'm sorry, bit new to this all...ex meaning the girl he had an affair with. The e-mails are in the past he deleted them but did not delete that file. He wants us to move forward and is afraid of my reaction to something that happened "in the past" (meaning two months ago) I wanted to look at his work e mails to see...I don't know, I guess I haven't stopped looking for clues even though I already know it happened. I want to know the intensity of it. I want to know why.

Well, you're not satisfied that you know everything that happened so of course you're looking. And it's your husband's responsibility to make you feel safe again.

Your husband wants you to forget it ever happened so you can just pick up where y'all left off. The problem is that doing that does not allow you (both) to examine why it happened in the first place--and it will likely happen again.

Please let me assure you that you're not crazy for wanting to know everything. Some betrayed spouses (BS) wish to know everything, some wish to know only the bare minimum. I would say that most female BS seem to want to know it all.

If you have not read up on this site or any of the books yet, I urge you to to start with the Basic Concepts section.

Well I guess this is now pointless seeing how I cannot read the e mails. Seems there has been a computer accident and it no longer works. I understand my WH point of view that it will just rehash old feelings on my part and that it will not help us now. He says he wants to work on us, and he has shown me that. I seem to keep wanting to torture both of us by constantly bringing up the subject. why can't I move forward and stop living in the pain.

{{{Losttiger}}}

I’m so sorry for your pain… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> However, you have found the right place for help, support & advice. There are SO many good & caring people on these boards who have endured the same pain & devastation from betrayal than you and who will be able to guide & help you through this. Please understand there is NOTHING wrong with you and the pain, grief & devastation you currently experience is TOTALLY normal and it will take time & patience for you to heal. You will also go through stages of anger etc. It’s all part of the grieving and healing process… Please be patient with yourself and be gentle with yourself…and know there is HOPE for you and your situation.

Underneath are some threads you will find useful and very valuable (it was created by Formerly Betrayed Spouses):

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

Bob's Newly Betrayed Spouse MB Toolkit

Prayers to you...
Suzet

Losttiger, here is another thread I want you to read:

Article: What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile

Maybe it will help your husband to realize the importance of the situation and to disclose all information to you if you print out the above article and also give it to him to read.

thanks Suzet for all you help. I have read the stuff you recommended. I have to admit though that my husband has been pretty good with disclosing info to me, I haven't reacted in the best way though when he has. Ways that I am not to proud of. He has been vary adament about trying to work things out...It is me that is having problems with that. Although I can't imagine life without him, I also cant imagine being with someone who has betrayed me like this.

losttiger, the way you work things out is by having all the FACTS. You are grief stricken and are looking for answers. That is how you recover. You don't recover by sweeping things under the rug or hiding emails. See, he has to EARN your trust and the way to do that is to eliminate all secrets between he and the OW. There should be nothing between them to which you are not privy. It is too bad that the emails were deleted, because while it would have been painful, it would have given you a glimpse into his affair. That would have been helpful in your recovery.

is there any protocol about giving a back story...i sort of jumped into this with what is going on now but i didn't tell my whole saga. Is this something i should do?

Losttiger, there is no specific protocol, but yes, it will be very helpful if you can share your full story and give the proper background. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It will help the posters to better assist you with help & advice.