Trebor, how are you doing?

TreborRose,

I just came to this thread after looking a more recent post of yours. How are things coming along for you? I'm personally just starting to expose my W's ongoing affair (only OMW so far). I see you've asked a lot of the questions I've had myself, and I'm just wondering how or if things are progressing for you.

Take care,
Scott

no_cute_name,

Well, unfortunately I'm deep in Plan B. So to speak. My problem is my internal debate on whether i want her back now.

My WW has not even given me any hope and I think it is truely over. However, I do know of other WW I've talked to where it took over a year for things to turn around. It's only been about 11 months since d-day for me.

Whisper is a WW that has helped me and it took her 1 1/2 years before she came around. So I guess I'll stick it out a little longer. I've read this thing about the first 1 1/2 years is the romance stage. It takes a while to wear off. Some chemical thing you know. Sort of like Clearasil.

By the way, since you are in the early stages I would recommend expose to all relatives. I did that within 48 hours. I don't regret it although I'm in plan b. Get it out of the way. Yep, she'll be pissed but it will pass. Tell the OMW to expose to and introduce her to this site.

I'm sorry I don't give axact specifics anymore. It is because my WW and the OM watch this site and have used my info against me in the past. Had to change my name you know.

Your in for a rough ride I tell you. But it does get a little better. Read the book SAA. It'll give you a little understanding of what you are in for.

Personally, I feel a lot better these days. Granted, I've been all by myself for some time but the insanity isn't as prevelant as it used to be. I also feel hope for my future now. I don't want to say that I've given up on the marriage but if it doesn't work out I know I'll be better off than the WW. SHe has no idea what person she has shacked up with. She thinks she knows everything about him but.... I've had a couple good conversations with the OMW. ;-)

Good luck Scott.

Good advice here.

And to poster Jimmy...I know that A's happen...but that I believe it is not necessarily problems in our M that lead to them...it is the mundane, the day to day life. the usual. They want something just simply different. A bit of danger. Excitement. Bleech.

Now Trebor. I'd do for sure a letter to HR. I'd do it to his boss as well. In many company's eyes, 2 people making immoral decisions together in private is one thing...but when you've got people lying and slipping around at work, it infringes on company money and time...and a bad image.

I would be factual. I would state little except the truth.

I would just simply inform them all the truth there is.

I would also make sure the WW is held accountable for her actions. YOu still have talks w/her so there is no real plan B.

I'd become friends w/OMW. She needs to know what you're doing ..ie, the WW being cut off. And how she needs to cut off her H financially. Let their little salaries support them. Let her H have to pay for 3 kids and a wife!

And yes, both abandoned their families.

IF it's a fault state, file under adultery and abandonment.

I'd do a good plan B letter and give it along with any papers.

Too many cake eaters are allowed to live in limbo eating cake WITHOUT ANY MOTIVATION TO RETURN HOME..OR TO CHANGE.

And when his $$$ is gone, how does the OM and your WW survive? What is feeding their affair? Both could have divorces in their faces. That's stressful in the love nest. How about not having hte kids? That's stressful too if they even love their kids.

What I am saying is LET THE STRESSORS COME INTO THEIR LIVES...let the real life...the real actions that happen as a result of fantasy set in.

Nothing kills a teenaged type romance than reality. That's what caused the darn affair in the first place most likely.

Here's what these people think..."When I am with OP...he/she listens to me. She knows me. She gets me. My goals, dreams mean something to her. When we are alone, the world falls away. It's like being happy again. I don't feel that way at home. Nah. My W makes me feel like an errand boy...fix this, do this, pay this bill...and she doesn't treat me like OP does...she's used to me."

Very often the fantasy is of "what could happen" and not at all any morsel of reality at all in it. They imagine how they will recreate their life to capture this feel good vibe they have going on. That is exactly why affair marriages fail. Even if you're like my xh...had all the money in world...a divorce is stressful. If you get your child less than you did prior, it is stressful. If people know what you did...it is stressful. If your OP turns into...OMYGOSH...A REAL WIFE PERSON...then real life day to day stuff is the reality. No more cutesy lingerie. Instead she wases pajamas in the washer. No more secret getaways...the baby's crying and needs a new diaper n ow. No more last minute trips away just because you need to or feel like it...your son is home on visitation. No more feeling special...you are married. You are fixing the stuff again...you are an errand boy again...your back to doing exactly before what you did...except..SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT NOW...Your W you once really loved deep down is gone. Your child is with you less. People don't really look you in the eye anymore. And the person you once loved so much...your partner...is free. And single. They have a wonderful fomer H or W that is single...and that scares the heck outta them.

Gotta think like a WS to understand their fog. But when it settles, that's what happens each time my friend. I oughta know. My xh is living that lie right now.

When the WS see this after having reality in their face...it is sad. They will find out that the roles are reversed.

And it's up to you and OMW to make sure these roles get reversed quite swiftly if change is to happen positively ok?

I think that he won't leave his wife. It will cost him too much money. But he will be content still being with your wife. Would the OM's wife post here? It would be helpful if the two of you were working the MB program. By all means, go to Plan B.

"My problem is my internal debate on whether i want her back now."

Cross that bridge if you reach it. At the moment the only thing clear is that you can have your wife if you are willing (or enabling a situation) to share her. Since you are no longer (and understandably) going to accept that go full force into Plan B. Can only lead to three possible end-scenarios:
She leaves you (possibly for OM) and you are free to rebuild your life.
She asks to come back and you refuse her. Rebuild your life.
She asks to come back and you take her back. Rebuild your marriage.

The first option is not in your power to control. Just like your present situation without Plan B. The other two leave you in complete control.

All three options are better than the present situation.

I guess I haven't really gotten you guys up to speed. I am really in Plan B now. No communication. Except for our child. And we keep it strictly to that and only by email and text message. No talking or face to face. We have seperated the finances and so has the OM & OMW. This is a recent thing so we'll see the effects in time.

I understand the need for plan b. It is for me and not her. I feel alot better these days. Not so much crying and depression. There is still pain but controllable.

The only thing with plan B is that I am starting to lose that attachment I had to her. Maybe this is good. It gives me more control of my life. I am understanding that there are others out there. Well, probably because my relatives have been trying to set me up. But the thing is I am becoming more open to that idea and I don't know if that is bad. Funny is that I feel guilty for even entertaining that idea. Why should I for a person who does not care for my welfare?