My first post of my own in a very long time - usually I just respond to others, but now I would like your thoughts/insights on what is going on....

Before I start, let me say that I'm struggling to put this all into words so that I can get your insights, so I'll summarize it as best I can and, if you need more information, ask the question and I'll answer.

Divorce has been final since May '04. Shortly after the divorce was final, I had a few lunch dates with a gentleman who parked in the same parking garage as me but decided I wasn't interested. Very nice to look at, great personality, but red flags that he had issues (description of drinking, why his marriage ended, etc). Since then I have not been on a single date.

There is a gentleman at work whom I have known for almost 15 years. Two years ago, we were officed on the same floor and just started chatting - usual coworker type chat. After my divorce was final, we started going to lunch every week or so and, now, at least once a week. We are very close and everyone at work thinks we are dating (including all of his coworkers). He knows this and, at times, will feed it. I have done all but hit him over the head to get him to ask me out. Twice, now, he has accepted my invitation to do something outside work. Once, on a Saturday, he met me, my son and my parents who were visiting from out of state, for lunch. Last night, a friend was in town from my hometown and I invited work guy to join us for dinner. He did - even picked out where we should go. I looked absolutely smashing. We had a great time. We get along brilliantly and, although he is not what I would call "my type," physically, I find myself very attracted to him. He seems interested and yet not. Some background information if it helps. He is 48, never married. Was engaged twice but broke it off both times. Very succesful professionally. Any ideas on what's up with this?

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-44
XH-46
DS-3.5

Any chance that you are displaying some wounds from your prior situation that he may be picking up on that might lead him to believe you're not interested?

Any compelling reason you don't just ask him out on a date where it's just the two of you so that he's crystal clear that you think he's somebody you'd like to see more than socially?

Jaye,

Thanks for helping. He was around when I was going through the D and knows how hurt I was, but think its pretty clear I am at peace with everything that happened and I have been very careful not to discuss ex, at all.

I have suggested getting together outside of work and I think its pretty clear to him that I am interested in him. At lunch on Friday, I was bold enough to question whether he was seeing someone (although we are close enough that I think I would know that) and his comment was something like, I'm here aren't I?

We e-mail each other and, when he travels on business, makes sure that I have his cell phone number and contact information before he leaves. He is going on vacation this week and has made sure he has an international phone so I can contact him while he is gone (I am waiting to hear about a promotion that will, likely, occur or not occur while he is gone).

How important is distance? We live in a very large city - I am in a suburb, he is right in the heart of the city. He teases me alot about living in "South [name of next big city to the North]"

One person has said he is gay, but I think I would have figured that out by now and, again, I think we are close enough that, even if he isn't out of the closet, he would have confided that in me.

Thanks for any insights

Regards,

BB

Then I think you need to swing the dating 2x4 cluebat, and ask him out. To something that will make it clear that you're interested in more than just social chitchat.

And see what he does with it. He may just not want to get married, and that's well within his rights, or he may just be a bit gunshy, having been through a couple "near misses" in his past.

Or maybe he really is aplayer. But I don't think you're going to know until you "emeril it". (Kick it up a notch).

How do you feel about taking the initiative?

big assumption that you would have figured that out by now. . . second, the broken off engagements are red flags in several different ways. . . third, confusion because he is not acting the way you expect him to

1) can you confirm with an actual name of someone that you know?
2) she's broke off the engagement for similar reasons that you are confused
3) he broke off the engagements because he has issues, several possible scenarios. . .

I think you need to start looking at his actions and reactions and not force your desires upon them . . . and not interpret them positively or negatively, but as that is who he is. . .

you don't know what you don't know about him, so until you do, interpret friends, but not interested in more than that at this point in time

and just to put up another perspective, at a certain point in some people's lives, they decide that they don't want to share their life with another person. . . at 50, they like thier lifestyle just the way it is. . .

wiftty

Brit\'s Brat:



That - is what's up with this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

48 is pretty far along to have never married, and broken off 2 engagements. I suggest that you play it close to the vest and keep eyes & ears open and senses on. It smells like commitment avoidance to me.

Good Luck.

FR

Hmmmm...

Being nearly 30 years old before I married, my opinion would be this...

I think that maybe at 48, he has sorta "settled" into a comfortable lifestyle that suits him. What needs that he has are being met, at least to his requirements, the way things are.

Although I am in a relationship now, I can remember a time that I had the exact same outlook. And even now...should this not work out, I could live the rest of my life without a "committed" partner. At 44, I have lived nearly two-thirds, already, of what the average age for a man to live is...

hcii

Surprised to see how many of you have echoed my own thoughts re: settling into a comfortable lifestyle, not wanting to share his life with another person, etc. I think that is where this nice gentleman is. He enjoys life, does many neat things - on his own - and he is happy.

Another side of me echoes, somewhat, wiffty's thoughts...I borrowed the title of a book out on the market now, "He's just not that into me..."

...and, on the chance that Jaye's advice would hit the mark, I sent him an e-mail thanking him for joining us last night and asking if he'd like to do it again sometime - without a chaperone. If he is true to form, he will ignore it....

There is no way I would let go of his friendship - it means too much to me, so it really doesn't bother me a whole great lot if it remains just friends. I was just wondering why it is where it is and, to borrow - I think it was Peachy's line - it is what it is.

Many thanks,

Brit's Brat

One other thought - I am not interested in a commitment at this point in time - I really would just like to find someone special to do things with once a week or so...

BB

Well, work guy responded to the e-mail I sent him...Here is what I sent and what he sent back:

BB: Hiya!

Sitting here watching Blues Clues with [DS] and thought I'd drop you a short note to thank you for joining Jim and me for dinner on Saturday night. I truly enjoyed myself. Are you brave enough to do it again without a chaperone? Maybe when you get back from vacation?

Me

Work Guy: Good morning Me,

Yes it was a nice time on Saturday. Sorry I left after dinner but I was so tired.....much like Friday night.

I think it is a possibility. Well, that is if you are still around Houston. ( [color:"blue"] (Side note from BB: I am posting for a job in one of our company's overseas office - big promotion - and Work Guy thinks I'ma shoe-in) [/color]
Work Guy

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Does this give any insights?

BB

This may feel like a big step you're not quite willing to take but why not state what you want & ask him what he's looking (if anything) for.

You're not looking for a commitment just someone to go out with once a week, someone special. By special do you mean someone with potential to turn into a committed relationship? If so, this man may be looking way into the future, seeing what may develop & not want to take the chance.

About his response to your email. He's very frugal with his words & with anything concrete. This is why I suggest asking what he envisions for his future. Be clear you value his friendship & want that to continue, but you're friends & you're curious about why he hasn't shared his life with someone & does he want that.

Just a word about the mysterious, man of few words type that seems to not give any real information when you talk. I lived with that for 20 years of marriage, & ended up not knowing much about my stbx. I assumed he had an understanding of his issues & had dealt with them, I was wrong. Because he didn't share himself with me I wasn't privy to the inner workings of his heart so had no real idea where I stood. It left me to assume a lot which didn't work for either of us.

(Side note from BB: I am posting for a job in one of our company's overseas office - big promotion - and Work Guy thinks I'ma shoe-in)

Heh. Possibly a BIG piece of the pie there.

ALthough I think he probably is quite set i his ways, which is why it gets harder to have a relationship the older you get.

48 and never married. Engaged twice and broke it off each time. When was the last time this happened? This would concern me quite a bit. And, no, a 48 year old closeted gay man is unlikely disclose his homosexuality to a coworker, even if they are close.

Why not just tell him how you feel and see where he stands? He may just be afraid to go there, though he wants to, or he have no interest, or be gay. A lot of 48 year old men won't even consider marriage or remarriage. You can find out or continue to guess.

Hi Brit honey ....

Long time huh.

So this response of his "I'm here aren't I?" for me would be a [color:"red"]RED [/color] flag.

It could very well be that I am still one paranoid former-BS, but why wouldn't he simply say "No, I'm not seeing anyone" if he is interested in going to the next step with you.

His response, IMVHO, was non-commital and somewhat guarded.

I don't know how else you can ask him Brit, short of asking him if he'd like to explore a relationship with you. I know how uncomfortable that would be, but not knowing and being in limbo is also an uncomfortable place.

I would be very happy to be wrong about him. Please let us know what happens.

Much Love,
Jo

Thanks, all, for your insights.


Nor am I, at this point in time and I have been pretty honest about that with him.


Jo, hey girl - how's everything? I agree, which is why I just can't figure him out. I don't think he's a player, but then, again, how would I know, I've been out of the dating scene for 9 years.

I will say one thing, he has incredible taste in home decor...he borrowed my digital camera and there were some pictures he left on of the inside of his house. European antiques that he buys at Christies' auctions - both furniture and artwork....Wow!

Well folks, its been an interesting day of non-answers and what Jo calls non-commital repsonses. To give you some idea, here is our e-mail exchange today:

Him: So, are you the Nice Mommy or Monster Mommy yesterday? (Referring to what DS called me on Saturday)

Me: I was the nice Mommy - he was so loving and affectionate, too! We spent the day at home, watching videos, playing, etc. I guess on Saturday night, he was very concerned that it was dark out and I wouldn't be able to find my way home! Too cute!

Job closes out today - 6 have posted.

Him: So, you did find your way home????

Me: With no trouble!

Are you ready to go? (Referring to his vacation beginning Wednesday).

Him: Go where?? To lunch? Yes, I am hungry!

Me: Is this an invitation?

I meant vacation.

Him: Maybe on Wednesday. I'm currently booked for today.

Me: See, just using me (referring to a joke from our lunch last Friday)....something better's come along so you postpone me until Wednesday - too hot for you?

I thought you leave on Wednesday...

Him: Yeah....just using you. Too hot.........hmmmmmm..........not going there!

I will be in the office for a bit on Wednesday so maybe an early lunch.

Me:
"..........not going there!"

Why not?

Me: (See, its easier for me to get my nerve up to ask/say these things via e-mail than in person....!)

Him: As Compliance Officer you should know better!

Me: Okay, should I interpret that to mean that I would be violating the Company's Harassment Policy by pursuing further - keep in mind the definition of sexual harassment requires that it be "unwelcome" or "unwanted" (i.e., consent is the key). I certainly wouldn't want to violate the policy, but more importantly, offend you.

Him: Never let an attorney get involved!

Me: Meaning, what? You are very frugal with your words, sir, and I just want to make certain I am not doing/saying anything inappropriate. Its no secret that I enjoy spending time with you whether as friends or what not and, most importantly, don't want to do or say anything that makes you uncomfortable, much less violate company policy. So...that being said...

Him: Like I said.........never let an attorney get involved. Too many words!

Me: ...and like I said, you are very frugal with your words, sir.

Me: You got very quiet.....so, you must be struggling for a witty comeback or just don't know what to say - I'll tell you what I tell JP - "use your words."

Him: Thanks Monster Mommy!

Me: Wow, this thread has come full circle, huh? In all seriousness, if you want me to layoff, just say so.

Him: No, it's more fun to see you run in circles!

Me: I'm going to save this thread and your last response as evidence in the event you ever accuse me of sexual harassment - my proof that it is welcome! :-)

Him: UGHHHH! Leave it to an attorney!!!!!!

Me: Would you prefer I have my Dad call you up and ask your intentions? (Okay, I thought that one was pretty funny...)

To that I got no response, but he came and sat in my office for 1/2 an hour. Go figure......

Regards,

BB

Hmm. From the above, certainly sounds like he's avoiding committing to anything.

Maybe you need to just spell it out what you're looking for, and just flat out ask him if he's interested. Perhaps he's afraid that you're looking for more than he's willing to commit to, hence his unwillingness to respond.

On the other hand, he could be some kind of passive-aggressive twinkie with manipulatino and control issues, and while he may not be a player, he may be playing you.

There, both ends of the spectrum covered.

[color:"blue"] Um Brit - as the former wife of 2 very passive aggressive men, I have to say this

RUN!!!!!!!!

The statement that he enjoys watching you run in circles it him TELLING THE TRUTH FOR ONCE!

This guy plays it close to the vest because he will never reveal any real information. If you really are so uncertain, then look up his two ex fiancees and ask them what happened.

His modus operandi is to leave bait for you to pick up so that you chase him. Like even the pics of his house left on the camera. Maybe he wanted you to think he was a great catch. Like all his "teasing" statments where he fails to give you straight answers to any issue.

Imagine having a fight with him:

You: Hon you left a towel on the bathroom floor again.
Him: I don't use the hall bathroom.
You: I meant the bedroom bath.
Him: Well you were in there last.
You: Yes and that is when I found the towel.
Him: How do you know that you did not knock it down yourself?
You: This is going nowhere. How come you can't admit that you knocked down a towel?
Him: You used to think it was cute when we argued in circles...

Big red flags with that IM conversation - I still say run!

V.[/color]