my husband and i have had many e-mail and phone conversations the past 5 days and he has responded positively to my avoidance of love busters and openmidedness in regards to our agreement. (this really is a big turn around as we had barely spoken since April until the past week and a half after he filed papers and the reactions of each of us were not good.

i sent the following e-mail last night since he seemed to be in the mood to recieve it without anger. i NEVER thought he would accept my "offer". he's nowhere near ready for that.

I just wanted to have an opportunity to communicate my feelings with him and leave him with a picture in his mind and some things to think about.

my next post will have a copy of the e-mail and his response. i already sent it so it can't be changed but any comments would be appreciated.

I would appreciate a few minutes of your time.

I am continuing to work on our agreement-in fact I'm working on the last few things now. I am going to lock my rate in. However, I would like to suggest another agreement that I would appreciate you giving consideration to. If, in turn, you have another idea that would be a compromise of both, please know I would be open to considering it.

I would first like to share with you some of the things that I've come to think since finding out the truth about your feelings towards the other woman. If I'm way off base, please let me know.

When you were feeling unhappy and lonely-you found someone that met your needs....needs that you were unable to share with me. After I found out about the relationship that you had, you were willing to try to rebuild.

Please understand that I felt so much anger and jealousy. I know that I should have been trying to rebuild your feelings towards me but I was trying to deal with what had happened and we both know I did a very bad job.

Your efforts to create new positive feelings-cards, poems, flowers, bears, wedding soup, and even a mavado watch!!-it was wonderful. (I wish I had done the same for you) You did try. I just wasn't able to handle everything that happened and I know I did not make the effort to rebuild your feelings towards me.

During those months that we had good and bad moments-you were missing the friendship that you had found. I wish that you had communicated with me about how you felt and what you needed to be happy but I know that I did not create an environment that made you feel that I would want to hear or that I would take your feelings into consideration.

Then once you reached out to her again-your needs for attention and companionship were again being met. That is why you were unwilling-maybe even unable to work on our marriage. You could only see a marriage that would never change and would never meet your needs and make you happy.

Am I understanding things?

I hope we can forgive and put the past week aside-you and I both acted out of built up fear and frustration and the things we said and did were not who we are today. During the past year, we both have changed and we both have grown. We both still have a ways to go.

You have recently said that your relationship with the other woman is over.

I would appreciate if you would consider giving me the 9 months left of our marriage to try to build a friendship with you that might lead to something more. If you were willing to try, I would be willing to make another agreement. If at the end of the 9 months, you had not developed some feelings for me that you felt you wanted to keep working on, we could sell the house and split everything. I would not contest and would not involve lawyers except to read over and finalize the paperwork. If you would be willing to do this, we could look over my monthly income and expenses and see just how much money I really need from you each month so that maybe you would not have to send so much. If you are willing to consider this, of course you should share what your wants would be. If we came to some agreement and you wanted to put it in writing, I would be more than willing.

If at the end of the 9 months, you wanted to take some more time to see where things might go, of course, you know I would be thrilled!

If we tried to build a friendship, this is what i would hope.

I would like us to communicate better-if you would be honest about your feelings and needs, I would be open and accepting-even if it is not what I wanted to hear. The only way that we could have a friendship would be if both of our feelings and needs are shared, accepted and considered because compromising must occur in a friendship and that can't happen without honesty, an open mind, and knowing you are safe from angry outbursts if you share what you really feel.

I realize that I still need to work hard to be a better listener-by letting you finish your thoughts and thinking before I respond. Please understand that impulse control is part of my ADHD and that I am taking medication to help (It's just been increased) and I am working to change my habits. Being honest with you-it's hard but I really am trying.

If there are other things that I need to work on that I do not yet understand, I would want you to be honest with me about this. Change can only occur if I know.

During the 9 months, I would appreciate it if you were willing to try spending time communicating with me by e-mail and over the phone-no serious talk unless there is something about the friendship we would be trying to create that you wanted to discuss. Just talk about our days and our stupid dogs. Then when you feel comfortable, I would love to be the person who is riding a bike along side of you seeing you laugh and smile. I would give anything to have you take me on the golf course and teach me the rules and how to figure out which club to use. I think we would have a blast-laughing at my attempts but seriously trying to learn. Walking the dogs together is something that I really wish we could do. I would even like to go bowling, if your interested. I'm open to almost any suggestions and in shape enough to keep up with you!

I would be willing to meet you half-way between where we live or come to your house if I was welcome. I could bring one of the dogs with me if I brought the truck and would need to if we were going biking anyway.

I know this is asking alot. I know you will search your heart and mind to see if there is any willingness to try. I'm asking that you take a few days to consider. I will not call you or e-mail you about this. I would not be here when you come to get the dogs as I would want you to enjoy your time with both of them without feeling I was pressuring you. I would continue to take steps towards the agreement-I know I could cancel even after I lock in a rate as long as I haven't signed as I did this the last time.

All I'm asking is that you give this some consideration over the next few days.

I would appreciate your letting me know that you read this letter just by sending me a simple e-mail. even just a sentence-"I read it" so that I know it did not make you angry and you will give it thought. I will be open to your honest answer but do ask that you give it a few days just to consider it completely.

I hope that you are open to hearing this and receive it without anger. I also hope that your thoughts about my sending it will consider the feelings that I have for you.



his response:

i read it

but i'm giving up on women <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

seriously, i'm going to move on by myself

but thanks for the offer.

Were you offering to forego your financial agreement for 9 months? I am confused, eav.

i was...i wanted him to know that even thought this agreement is really in my favor, i would give it up


but i never expected him to accept as he wants money and a house now

after his response

i e-mailed him back

the offer is always there- i still hope this could happen even after the agreement is signed

You are an amazing woman eav! That letter was gut wrenching and something I would love to tell my wife. However in her current state of mind adn advice she gets from her "friend" I would get presumably the exact same response.

As much time and effort you have put into this you deserve to have your marriage back better than it was before, I hope he comes around and realizes what he has waiting for him.

Keep your hope alive don't give up. You will come out of this better no matter what happens.

eav - No - this was not good. Please don't offer to give up anything. All you are doing is trying to placate him, and he won't appreciate it, OR respect you.

I'm sorry but I agree with believer! He will not respect you. Take control of YOUR life and do what is good for YOU. Forget about him for now.

navyman,

thank you for the kind words. I am glad that i was able to tell him these things. if he never changes his mind and wants to work on our marriage....maybe these things will always be in his heart and he will wonder... what if..

believer and tree,

thank you for your opinions. Could you tell me if one of the books from this site discuss this or where your views are from?

as i said, i never expected him to accept the agreement but if he had shocked me and said yes-an agreement 9 months from now done through the courts would give him just what i offerred-50%

by doing the agreement now, it is greatly in my favor, so i am doing it...

but...you don't think that i got across to him all of the changes that I have made and given him an idea of how things could be?

that was my hope

here is the e-mail i sent last week.

I'm already working on many of the things in it!! (even though he said no thanks!)

Well the typical reverse babble response w/b:

BS: Well you definitely have a point there. I can't give up on womenkind, since I am one but your attitude sure leaves a lot t/b desired for mankind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yep, it's a bit'o sarcastic. Oil and water don't mix but throw in the vinegar and you got salad dressing with a kick. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

I'm either going to end up compromising with everybody or offending everybody, one of the two, because in a way I think all of the above are correct.

IMVHO, your H may have needed to hear some of the things you said, given the great length of time all of this has been going on, BUT you also cannot live your life in a state of constant readiness, hoping he will drop back in. Use this as an excuse to go out there and have some fun!

Then perhaps you could call him once in a while and drop things into the conversation like, "My golf instructor said the funniest thing the other day..." or "Tuesday when my friend and I were out riding, we found the neatest place - you should go there sometime." Let him see a glimpse of the happy, active, fascinating person he is trying to get rid of, and maybejustmaybe he will begin having second thoughts.

Comments from the experts????