My situation is extremely complex, and many small variables that I must leave out might change your perspectives. Nevertheless I seek your advice.

I'm not here to boast. Nobody knows who or where I am and it will stay that way.

I am an extremely conscientious person, and have been since I was a small child. I have always cared a great deal about others. I am ridiculously sensitve for a man. I am not physically effeminate at all, in some ways I'm pretty macho. I walk like a man, I can fight well, shoot straight and fix just about anything. But I have many feminine qualities that I think women unconsciously want in an otherwise very masculine man. And I don't just mean that I have a keen eye for detail regarding interior decoration, women's haircuts, fashion, etc.

I'm 30 years old. I am an extremely handsome, charismatic, diplomatic, personable, unique, eccentric guy. People listen when I speak. Only lesbians and unattractive men dislike me, despite how friendly I am to them.

Women go absolutely nuts over me. And I go nuts over them. I cannot convey the pleasure I derive from and impart by interracting mentally and physically with women.

After breaking some hearts and, believe it or not ladies, feeling due guilt for doing so (not to mention crying my weight in tears), I have learned to confine my attention to 'tougher' women who actually don't want strings attached. In other words, women like me. I'm sure it sounds like a despicable lifestyle to you all, but it suits my status as an urban artist very well.

The problem is that I have a wife. Well, I may as well.

She's just about the best person I've ever met. She's a knockout. A kid couldn't possibly have a better mother.

After 6(!) years of truely mutual fidelity and cohabitation beginning at age 18, she left me for a man who seemed more promising as a mate to nest with. He wanted kids right away, just as she had nagged me since we first got together. He was done with college, while I just kept going (and biting my knuckles at the sight of every campus hottie). That was five years ago. Six months later, she called me up crying, and asked me to come remove her from her situation. After hours of counselling, I drove 11 hours to pick her up, very pregnant with the child of a man most women wouldn't leave. She wanted me back. Although when she left me the relationship had lost its excitment and I was lusting after other women (but not acting on it), her departure had devastated me.

But, being the moron I can be, her return only patched up my ego and I left the country to break a few hearts in Europe. Hopeful of our reconciliation, she waited for me to return for a year. I returned as her true friend, but not as a stepfather to her new child or as her lover or husband.

She reacted to this with determination to divest her hope in me. Because she has all her friends through me, she simply remained my closest friend but sought somebody else. With half the brains god gave a Dr. Pepper can, this prompted a year of my chasing after her, because I couldn't bear to lose such a great girl to some other guy with less in common with her. I should mention that she and I are extremely eccentric and elitist with many unusual tastes and interets in common (none sexual).

By this time (around summer 2003) I had come to deeply love her child. Since she was determined to "move on" with another man, my animal instinct was piqued, and I concentrated very little on other women. I was determined to get her back.

Just then, she slept with a mutual friend of ours, and broke my heart. It was the third man she'd ever been with. It really affected me. It really communicated to me that I must let her go. So I did.

Within a week I found an amazing 20 year old girl. As creative as Salvador Dali with the appearance of a Swedish swimsuit model. I was thrilled.

A week later, a bunch of friends were visiting from abroad, and we had a party to end all parties. After a long, alcohol-soaked day, in the extreme heat of an intimate moment, she asked me to do something that radically increased my chances of impreganting her. Against all odds, we concieved a child. Abortion was out of the question with either of us. We aren't Christians, but we both see that institution as very ugly.

Instantly, her attitude shifted from flirty, cordial independence to insecurity, demand, and total dependence.

It scared the hell out of me. I could hardly tell her that I didn't want to be with her, especially as emotional stress can hurt the baby. Already having a secret from her (something I never did), I threw all caution to the wind and tried to pack as much fun into the next nine months as possible.

Over the next year, I had three affairs. One with the amazing 20yo girl by procrastinating breaking up with her, one with a super-fun co-worker (whose heart I would later break very badly), and the other with a very sexy, extremely manipulative, very slutty, dangerously clever co-ed at my university.

My girlfriend (with whom I had since had a breathtakingly beautiful baby) found out last summer.

I had never cheated on anybody in my life.

It might be worth it to say that the whole time she was pregnant and for six months afterward, I never slept with her. I was always sleeping with somebody else.

It is now a year later, and I am just now moving out of the city and in with her in the country. I have successfully abstained (with excruciating exertion of discipline) from sleeping with other women, though I have not resumed sleeping with her like two very sexy late-20-somethings should.

It is driving her crazy. She wants sex as often as possible. And I can't seem to give it to her once every two weeks the way I could give it to three other girls each once a day when I found myself living like the ultimate scum of the earth and looking at myself in the mirror with supreme disgust.

My girlfriend has maintained her figure perfectly after having two kids (the secret seems to be breastfeeding; it robs the fat from the mother that her body naturally builds up for the purpose), and she is prettier than ever. Whenever we go out we are showered with compliments over how great we and the kids look. All of my friends drool over her. And yet she leaves me cold.

I adore our daughter and her son. I love them and spending time with them so much. And to me my girlfreind is right up there with my mother and daughter and her son as the four people I love more than anybody in the world. She is such a good person. Such a perfect, fussy mother. People just can't believe how well behaved, happy and intelligent her 4yo son is. He's like having a three-foot tall, refined classics professor hanging around. One who likes toy trains.

But she does not intellectually stimulate me at all. I often feel that I am alone when I'm with her. I always want a friend to come over to converse with, and she senses and resents this.

One last concern: I am truly a free spirit. My misery is being told what to do by others. I flourish as the boss of others and of my own life. My girlfriend has no trouble at all laying down the law. She often makes me feel like a prisoner just to expect from me what most wives expect from their husbands. After the daughter and the affairs, I feel as if I am permanently beholden to her; like I can never assert myself. She doesn't take any BS. She knows what she wants and demands it.

What I have is a truly tragic situation. A girl with positive attributes I can't find anywhere else but also negative attributes that leave me badly wanting. And that makes me the same to her.

I would tell her that finally getting together would only leave me, and therefore her unhappy, but I can't bear to leave these children, whom I love to see every day, or to hurt her, which is extremely easy since my infidelity totally crushed her security and self-esteem.

She also needs me financially, more than ever.

Ok, it's super late and I am tired and it is showing up in my rambling, awful writing. Please tell me what you think. I can't come up with anything, and this tragic dilemma plagues my mind at every moment. The attendant stress is killing me.

You seem pretty wishy washy when it comes to women.

I mean either you stay, or you go.

If you stay, work on the MB's here. Get her involved in it.

Try and fix you relationship. Try awefully hard.


But if you go, then go! Children, GF be damned, just Go! Don't come back.

You will have to pay child support likely and also may get visitation rights. But unless you are in a commonwealth state you are free to go since you are not married.

But you have to make up your mind and no matter how exciting things might be if you gave in to your urges stick to your guns on this. One you have made up your mind.

Frankly, the whole story seems way too pat. After the Coach incident over on GQ,
my "troll" warning flag is flashing bigtime.

I may be wrong, but the whole thing is too glib, too smooth to be real.

Thanks. That's what I get for staying up so late writing all of that. Now people won't post advice. That fact of the matter is that my story is NOT too smooth to be real, because here I am, and I wrote the straight truth. I've read some posts on this board and I could be posting almost anywhere on here after what I've put myself and my GF through. Ask me anything. I could talk you ears off with details about how I lost my job because of this, how I left my cell phone on and my GF heard me going back over to my ex-"OW's" house because I needed someone to talk to, how after that she forced me into a 2am confrontation AT the OW's house where my GF punched me for the first time ever, how a LARGE group of people are now split three ways because of all this, having to coordinate BBQs and so on to avoid the wrong people being in contact, how the move I am making right now from my home in the city to my GFs home in the country has dragged on for months, with my GF only last night breaking down and crying because I really NEED to stay here in the city today to do stuff I can't do out in the boonies.

Anyway, please people ignore this person's accusation, where first s/he says s/he "may be wrong," but then STATES that my story flat-out IS "too smooth to be real." There is NOTHING smooth about this. I am at an age where I should just be coming into my own, really enjoying life. Instead I'm miserable and so is the person I care most about in the world.

I suppose what I'm hoping for is people to say "forget it. If you're unhappy now you're going to be unhappy no matter what you do, and that's no favor to her." Or "If it's been 11 years and she no longer turns you on but other women who want you do, it's just not gonna work," OR "you have to make it work for the kids' sake" "If you leave her you will go nuts when you see her with somebody else" "If you want to lust after your GF and never notice other women, just take this magic pill" etc.

Please elaborate. What do you mean Children, GF be damned if you also state that I can get visitation rights? What do you mean about the commonwealth state thing?

One other factor is my whole family loves my GF and is dissapointed in me that I didn't marry her 8 years ago. They will just write me off as a total loser if I left her.

I know everybody is going to think this is totally stupid, but my plan for now is to move in with her and let her get sick of me so that she isn't hurt when we break up. I want to stay friends with her and see the kids! Women become less dependent as their babies near an age when they can be left with babysitters, and I also plan to help her start her business (which she really does need me to help start). The problem is that in the mean time she gets pissed every night I'm there with her because I have no sexual interest in her.

It is HELL.

"I know everybody is going to think this is totally stupid, but my plan for now is to move in with her and let her get sick of me so that she isn't hurt when we break up."

You've got to be kidding. So you want to be a coward and let her essentially break up with you because you don't have the ba**s to do it. You hide behind the "I don't want to hurt her" but you are willing to hurt her every day, every week, every month until she figures out you are selfish and self absorbed and leaves you. By then, she is depressed and her self esteem is shot.

Take a look at yourself and the life you are leading. You are only truly thinking of yourself and what you want and what makes you feel good. You have no business bringing women and especially children into such a life. Ok, so mistakes already made. But for god sakes, do something right and move on and make some changes so that your life isn't littered with the garbage and hurt that you are creating now. YOU choose who you want to be and how you want to live your life. Are you really the person you want to be?

Symphony

I have an oppinion too.I think life was too god for you. And because of that you are not mature enough.
I think your number one purpose should be to not hurt anyone anymore.I think cleaning your life is too hard for you know.
You should go and find for yourself as many women as possible.Who knows maybe in a few years you will realise the truth.
Which one is the truth?Can be only one:God.But to expalin: you will live ,get old and dye and you will not live anything behind.
I hope for you one thing.I hope that something bad will happen to you because I can see that is the only thing that can open your eyes.It says that someone goes back to God when he suffers.
But I want you to do one thing. Take care of your children,live the women that care about you behind and try to look around you and descover what life is really about.
Only after that there is hope.

{Please elaborate. What do you mean Children, GF be damned if you also state that I can get visitation rights? What do you mean about the commonwealth state thing}

My point is bro that it is time to grow up and make a decisive decision and stick with it for good.

So, either you stay with your girlfriend and work things out the right way -ie counseling, fidelity, the principles on this site. Grow up and become a family man.

Or you get the ****** out of the household. Because if you stay and start to cheat/argue/become hurtful what example is that going to give the children. It is better to have no father than a bad father IMO.

Look, you aren't the only handsome/athletic/secure/intelligent/educated guy around here. I played the field for years and have never had any problems luring women to my bed/couch/kitchen table/car.
But just because you can lure them doesn't mean you should. And frankly having children out of wedlock...well, I'll leave it at that.

At some point I decided that a woman was worth the plunge into marriage, and when I do something, I do it 100%. But before you do that you have to decide if you stay or go. Is it a tough decision? Yes.

Do you have to be a man to make it and more importantly follow through wit it? Yes.

So the next question you should ask yourself is, are you man enough?

No high school games, no trying to get her to break up with you. YOU decide. And when you do go through with it 100%.


I know my advice is rough but I am not gonna pat your [censored] for not being able to make a choice.

Visitation rights for the kids should you decide to leave. If the child is yours by blood you can fight for custody and/or visitation rights.

Commonwealth states like Virginia can sometimes screw you. For example, if a woman get's pregnant by another man a and you are together with her at the time and hereafter decide to leave her after the child is born the Judge can order you to pay child support until that babies father is found and forced into court and then made to pay. The judge may in other words consider the child's rights as trumping yours in a Commonwealth State. I have seen it happen before and it can suck royally for the hombre. Your GF might try to get you to pay support for both children even though one is not yours in a commonwelath state. Get it?

Hi Ultratorn & welcome to this sh1thole called infidelity & the after affects.

I've listened to you, I hear you.

You could be anyone of a gazillion men who've spoken to me growing up over the years. I could be your girlfriend whom I thought you describe as a babe earlier & now you don't feel turned on by her....mmmm....(could that be 'self imposed guilt leading to fear of impotence - just a thought).

No offence intended you describe your girlfriend as the ideal friend for you, the ideal mother, basically goddess material, yet you can't get it up for her.

What are you afraid of......

Is it perhaps that you don't feel good enough for her...

Or is it that maybe you don't think she is good enough for you.....

What are the traits that you would require to have a deep connection with a woman......

Are you capable of fostering that deep connection with a woman on a continuous long term basis, beyond the initial exciting discovery period.....

Assuming your current Girlfriend the Mother of the Children is interested in you after about two & half years from now, when she finally recovers her own self esteem from the blow of your betrayals, how would you propose to prove yourself worthy of being her companion in life.....

Do you feel capable of genuine caring for her feelings ..... or for anyone else's for that matter who may be suffering emotional turmoil, appear needy or even dependent for a period of time...... would you be able to nurture anyone to their full potential after devistation, it would require a lot of self sacrifice in respect of actually caring how they'd feel......


Hope this isn't coming accross as a bludgeon on your head, 'cos I'm personally in no place to bsh1t with anyone anymore, people only do what they chose to do. No one is the cause or responsible for our actions only ourselves. I heard that 3 years ago, I handed out to everyone, it has taken me this long to adopt it for myself too.

You are in turmoil at the moment, I read it, being honest with only yourself can you visualise where you'd like you life to be in 2years, 5years, 10, 20, etc, right up to zimmer frame diaper age, whom would you like to wipe the drools from you chin (no don't go thinking Barberella she doesn't do old farts) while spoon feeding you with tender loving care....

The mother of your children is very shaggable, obviously.

Are you comfortable with her bonding entirely with a man who understands her, and wants her, and pleases her beyond passion, who woos her to depths that are tangible.

Do you want to be that man.....

And the children..... calling someone, some other 'nice' man Daddy, crying, cuddling, loving & learning from him... they will imitate who they are closest too, most often...

Again are you aware of the absolute commitment of being a Daddy.....it's for life, children grow into mini you & me's, then eventually adults with a strong sense of who they are (hopefully), and a definite sense of who (& how) they were raised & most importantly who (& how) was their for them.

Yikes, guess I'm just a tad bit older than you in my 30's been through it man.

Nothing, nothing is more soul destroying than purposefully hurting the innocent.

Best wishes in you decisions.

Recommend you read "The Road Less Travelled" with a pencil & paper. It is pretty interesting on the 2nd or 3rd read.

Try it pal for yourself.

Currently I feel you are in no position to offer love, as from what I read I truly don't think you love yourself, you need to concern yourself with who you truly are, you must respect yourself as in the intirety of your mind.

Consider what your own personal values are, and where you formed them from, & wheither or not, these are the values of the person you want to be.

As an artist I know you will understand, that there is always growth, always change, & constant room for improvement.

I hope I haven't come accross as judgemental of you, yes you've done some sh1tty grosse things, what you have portrayed here is an honest man in conflict with himself, and very afraid of loving on a deeper mature level.

I really wish someone had pulled me up in my 20's & told me to cop on, guess even if they had I wouldn't have believed as my own, life really does have patterns, & it is so easy to look with hindsight.

Take a look into your soul, mind & heart, know who you really are, not the fragmented person that you show.

It takes courage, all that you ever need or want is within your own ability to create.

If you wanted to you could do it.

Best wishes Ktulu

FYI - I'm a woman ;-P), after I'd punched you, I'd probably given you a cold beer or raw steak for the wound, then fried it up, cried & laughed & cried, hated & loved almost simultaneously. The thing is as a woman I loved the man I hated the way he treated me. I had to learn how I felt was not dependent on his actions or inactions, but on my own truth.

You will make it if you want to too.

Anybody notice that the original poster hasn't posted for a month?

I'm not here to boast.
Maybe not. BUt you are doing a very good job of it though you also seem to be here for other reasons.

After breaking some hearts and, believe it or not ladies, feeling due guilt for doing so (not to mention crying my weight in tears), I have learned to confine my attention to 'tougher' women
So you have not actually tried to have a monogamous relationship with this woman?

The problem is that I have a wife. Well, I may as well.
Actually, the problem with all of this is that you do NOT have a wife.

After 6(!) years of truely mutual fidelity and cohabitation beginning at age 18, she left me for a man who seemed more promising as a mate to nest with. He wanted kids right away, just as she had nagged me since we first got together. He was done with college, while I just kept going (and biting my knuckles at the sight of every campus hottie). That was five years ago.
So you’ve been together for 11+ years?

Six months later, she called me up crying, and asked me to come remove her from her situation. After hours of counselling, I drove 11 hours to pick her up, very pregnant with the child of a man most women wouldn't leave.
Is the child yours or the guy she had an affair with?

But, being the moron I can be, her return only patched up my ego and I left the country to break a few hearts in Europe.
So you had affairs while there?

Just then, she slept with a mutual friend of ours, and broke my heart. It was the third man she'd ever been with.
It was her second affair?

Within a week I found an amazing 20 year old girl.
You had an affair?

A week later, a bunch of friends were visiting from abroad, and we had a party to end all parties. After a long, alcohol-soaked day, in the extreme heat of an intimate moment, she asked me to do something that radically increased my chances of impreganting her. Against all odds, we concieved a child.
Who? You and the Swedish girl or your original girlfriend?

I had never cheated on anybody in my life.
From your detailed, very erratic story, it seems as if this is all you (& all your friends) do.

I have successfully abstained (with excruciating exertion of discipline) from sleeping with other women, though I have not resumed sleeping with her like two very sexy late-20-somethings should.
It is driving her crazy. She wants sex as often as possible. And I can't seem to give it to her once every two weeks the way
I’m confused by these last few sentences? Are you having sex with your girlfriend or not?

But she does not intellectually stimulate me at all. I often feel that I am alone when I'm with her. I always want a friend to come over to converse with, and she senses and resents this.
Didn’t you write, “She's just about the best person I've ever met”?

I would tell her that finally getting together
Finally? After 11+ years and a child?

You need to make a MUTUAL decision with your girlfriend on what you both want/need and quit screwing up everyone's lives.

Oops. I didn't.
Silly me

I was going to say he is a sexaholic and should check out SA or SLAA.

I was about as inattentive.

cinderella,
Think putting on a condom is hard? Try it with paws.
I would, but animal control & the cops keep showing up at my house when I try to get my cat to do this for me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Besides, he's not declawed!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Chris..... you missed the whole point. If the cat is going to have sex, he needs to wear the condom so that he will not contribute to the exponential rise in the number of unwanted cats. If you are going to be having the same fun, you need to use your own condoms - unless you can share with the cat - but always use a new one.

And don't get the cat declawed. That amounts to amputating the cat's toes at the end of the first joint. Would you like to have that done to you?

As for this member, I think he was a troll and has gone away. We haven't lost too much.

But you are a hoot.

Of course not, Cinderella. But then, I wouldn't want my balls cut off either, yet you are actively (and correctly) advocating just that for male dogs and cats. Also, I wouldn't like to be forced to go outside in the snow barefoot every time I had to pee. Yet, I make my dog do that.

IMHO, I don't think all cats need declawed. BUT, an indoor cat, around very small children? I'd say yes, certainly the front ones. Is that cruelty? I don't think so, unless you start to think about cats as though they were human.

CATS certainly don't think they're human. They think they're gods! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Cats were once worshipped as gods and have never forgotten this. They are kind enough to let you live in their homes and do their bidding. Sometimes they will even reward you with a headless mouse or bird at your bedside.

Cats and other animals are creatures that feel pain and also, according to many studies, rudimentary emotions. That puts them on a par with a few men that I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


CS

Lessee....
Feel pain.... check
Rudimentary emotions.... check

...OMG! I'm a cat! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hey, does this mean if I'm too lazy to walk to the bathroom, I can just pee on the carpet behind the couch?

NO! BAD FIREANDICE!!! You must use the litterbox!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

"Hssssssss!"
Translation: "Just WAIT 'til we cats take over the world. THEN we'll see who has to use the litterbox!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />