Hi I hope you can help with this and save our marriage lots of stress. W and I often negotiate and reach agreement - sometimes enthusiastic, other times grudging - then later she experiences regrets and feels coerced and controlled. I think W feels that way later because she didn't get 100% of what she initially wanted, although I believe she would agree that she gets 100% of what we agreed on.
She resents me for this. On my part this causes me to mistrust her. I want to be able to reach reliable no-regrets decisions. Can someone help please? Thank you!

Implementing POJA is tricky, because it requires a lot of commitment to the principle from the get-go.

However, the only way POJA works is if the agreement is enthusiastic, so "grudging" agreement isn't agreement, and so then according to POJA, nothing should be done.

However, I suspect that this is not the only issue in the relationship. HOw are you guys doing on things like UA time (which builds closeness) and avoiding LB's and all that stuff?

I know you're right about the 'grudging' agreements. But usually I'm arguing for status quo while wife is often arguing for some costly expenditure. Under POJA nothing would be done, but that's often close to what I want - which doesn't work for my wife.

I'm new to the MB concepts. For the most part they sound great. Wife and I talked briefly about trying them, but the problems inherent in applying POJA in our case seem to argue for trying some other approach.

We need more and better UA time and I particularly need to do a better job of avoiding LBs. You nailed that one. Still, even if everything else were perfect I think we'd still have these follow-up issues after seemingly-successful negotiations.

I'm absolutely sure there's a better way to avoid regrets in seemingly-successful negotiations, but I just can't see what it is right now. I'm grateful for your response and for any other thoughts you or others have.

I would tend to disagree that this would still crop up. It might. But I can tell you this. When a partners lovebank is full, things that used to be massive hills to climb or were seemingly insurmountable, become little tiny piddly details that dont' even come up on the radar.


On the other hand, as to your reading on POJA, more likely, half of whatever you're talking abotu belongs to her to do with as she will. So if the two of you do "nothing", she has her half of the amount under discussion to do with as she pleases, and you have your half.

So a lack of enthusiastic agreement actually works against both of you.

Jaye: Thanks much for your comments. I particularly like the one about the full love bank. I'm very envious of people who've learned how to attain that state with their partners. I think our lovely (and older) neighbors have actually done that.

I'm sorry to say I've not had any significant success with filling my wife's love bank. I'm badly in need of some MB education. Maybe she as well. Not so much to fill mine, but to help me see how to fill hers. If that makes sense..

On the half-and-half, I could have made it clearer that we're normally talking about indivisible things like a new car or built-in bookcases or finished basement etc. Maybe the half-and-half can still be applied, but it's not that obvious to me. Can it be done somehow?

Well, half an dhalf can be applied in the sense of half the dollar amount. If you want to put away 1000 dollars a month for retirement, 500 of that would be hers... If the car and insurance and stuff fit within that 500, then it may be hers to spend...

One of the main reasons budgeting is so important. And seeing a good financial planner and having a neutral 3rd party talk things through with the both of you may help your W see a bit more of what you're wanting to accomplish.

As to the lovebank, read all the BAsic Concepts (up at the top), and the Q&A. Get a copy of His Needs/Her Needs. Take the EN questionnaire, and get to work.

What type of agreements do you make in terms of these purchases?

The type of agreement that I tend to imagine isn't just to say "No" to a new car, finished basement, or <whatever> but rather to say "Yes, when we have accomplished some level of financial security so let's make a plan to get to that level of financial security."

I think the key is not just to put restrictions on getting the item "No, not until we have accomplished <whatever." but to actually have a plan that is tangible that involves you both working towards getting some of those items. Also, I can see prioritizing agreements being necessary. Maybe she'd like the car first or the basement first or whatever.

So, what kind of agreements do you come to? Is it just "Can we buy <something>?" and then the agreement is "No." or "Not at this time." with no specifics of when the time will be right? If so, that might be why these arguments keep recurring.

Mys