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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 351
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I need help on how to write about having an affair with my WS! Let me explain…My WS and I have talked about many things since her A, I shared an article I read about “Addressing the fantasy of the affair.” Addressing the fantasy of the affair!
1. You only see each other under ideal circumstances
Dressed the best
Smell the best
Don’t see each other when you wake up in the morning
Don’t see each other when you have household and other un-sexy chores
2. Because you don’t see each other all of the time
You want the feel good fix you had together
3. Sex is WOW
First touch, kiss sends those very special tingles, where the spouse’s touch is very familiar.
Making love, yes it was awkward, but those occasions where followed by secret planned sex rendezvous. The fantasy “day dreaming” about the event is as good as the sex.
HOW CAN I NOT BE JELLIOUS! “I want the affair to but I want it with my wife!” “HLROMANTIC”
Your spouse didn’t have the affair but would like you to have the same romantic interest in them. Plan a special vacation, getaway weekend and take a day off work. Make a date with your spouse, one that is planned to create the excitement. Purchase a special SEXY lingerie outfit, have it wrapped, delivered to her with flowers and a card. In the card write a romantic note describing you up coming Romantic Rendezvous. Now you have created a new fantasy, one that includes your partner.
Don’t make sex the least important thing with your partner. Many of us have hectic busy lives, trying to get everything accomplished before going to bed. Once in bed we are either too tired for SEX, or hurry in our love-making to really have a special experience. Change your routine by having sex in the middle of the afternoon or when you come home from work. This may mean you need to plan ahead to find someone to watch you children. You might even want to give your spouse a note when you leave for work stating your planning some quality time with them when you get home from work. This doesn’t mean planning all of your sexual encounters, but it does mean your partner deserves the same respect the feel you gave to another person.
While there are no magic formulas or prescriptions for recovering the loving feelings between two people following an affair, these ideas might be helpful in the ongoing process of healing and rebuilding a relationship based on a deeper kind of love and commitment than the fantasy attraction that is inherent in affairs. I told my WS that I wanted to have an affair with her, she said ok write a story of our affair. I the FS didn’t know where to start and how detailed it should be…after all I was just been asked to write my fantasy! An affair with my wife… The problem is how do you make it exciting and Romantic at the same time. So I’m asking this group many of which have the experience that could help me.
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 764
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All right..there are some that will think I am over reacting but I'm not sure what to think about this.
You want to have an affair with your wife? No you don't, really? What you want is that newness of a romance. You want that special feeling you describe above.
An affair? Have her lie to you about her marriage. Sneak around so no one "knows". Be discreet and decieptful with each other. Make sure you feel entitled to the affair. Use each other for sex. Feel like crap for being that way. Live a lie...an affair...is based on that...a very weak foundation..
Sir...you are looking for romance....romantic love...
I think it's the fog talking when people in an affair feel as if that is what they have...
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Joined: Jul 2005
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You’re correct the affair is a metaphor, it basically replacing her affair with a new fantasy. One that involves my WS with me her husband; I actually give my S a lot of credit by asking me to write something that would reintroduce Romance and Fantasy. Not the secrecy and lies of an affair.
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Joined: Dec 2001
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As much as you might try, I don't think you'll be able to duplicate that same affair rush. The rush comes from risk involved, the secrecy.
Try as you might, your "simulation" will be unsatisfying.
I think a better tack might be to build a reality of married passion by seeking to know each other better and applying MB principles. If you takes "risks", take them together after having POJA'd them.
Low
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Joined: Jul 2005
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My WS claims the risk and secrecy wasn’t a rush for her, it was falling in-love again. She states even though the love was different, it was new love…Claiming to still be very much in-love with me. The A has ended and based on an article we read by Dr. Peggy Vaughn, couples should start building new fantasies with each other. She stated remember your partner didn’t have the affair but most likely wanted the romantic fantasy. I told my WS that I agree and wanted it with her, to her credit she told me to write how and what we would do. Actually it’s very therapeutic to be writing about your own fantasy with your wife. But I agree there must be some elements that invite mystery “not necessarily risk” as Peggy stated “creating a new fantasy, one that includes your partner helps restore and recover your loving feelings. This make Sex fun and no longer the least important thing you do before going to bed.”
So I'm game and whiling to try!
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Does the song "Pina Coladas" come to anyone's mind? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
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I was tired of my lady
We'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping
I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns
There was this letter I read
"If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape."
I didn't think about my lady
I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady
Have fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper
Took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet
I thought it wasn't half bad
"Yes I like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food
I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red-tape
At a bar called O'Malley's
Where we'll plan our escape."
So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, "Oh it's you."
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, "I never knew."
That you like Pina Coladas
Getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean
And the taste of champagne
If you'd like making love at midnight
In the dunes of the Cape
You're the lady I've looked for
Come with me and escape
The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. It is greener where ever it is watered!
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 2,262
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My WS claims the risk and secrecy wasn’t a rush for her, it was falling in-love again. She states even though the love was different, it was new love… I'm not going to pretend I'm any kind of guru but it sounds like neither you nor your wife fully grasps the dynamics of the affair quite yet. Consider the BDSM set. Many rational people can't understand why some people would find the pain and control involved to be exciting. To be truthful, pain and control COULD be unpleasant, but the anxiety they create enhances the excitement the participants feel. It's the same with the affair. Natural "in love" feeling are supercharged by the heightened anxiety of the forbidden. Oh, we may decry it while we're in it, but why do you think so many affairs fail when exposed to the light of day? I'm not trying to be difficult, but we've started down this road your proposing...only to find it feeling foolish and contrived. There was greater excitement and satisfaction to be found in building the relationship we already had than in defining new fantasies. Honestly, I'd like a little more adventure. But only in the context of a real relationship. JMHO, Low
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 351
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Thanks Low,
We have been working on our relationship; we have spent more time together in the last month than we have in years. We have both enjoyed our company just sitting and talking, maybe enjoying some wine. But we have slowed down and are no longer rushing everything in life. We both agreed that we have enjoyed sitting outside in our patio talking so much that we are building and decorating a Sunroom to accommodate a small table with view where we can continue our new passion as the weather changes. Building our relationship is very important and so is building you you’re intimacy.
I think if you read my continued writing about the article we read; I’m not looking for the things you describe, but something to help build our relationship. We all need a little mystery and excitement. Reading how the other person would want you to please them is truly intimate.
We long to be pursued and courted, and to make love to someone who truly loves us for keeps. Ours is an attempt to have some fun as we build our relationship. Give her credit for suggesting that we can and should be doing this.
The goal is to have fun build suspense and romance. How that open to interpretation but I have been looking into creating, notes puzzles and treasure maps. Some are for a Romantic Dinner others for a getaway weekend. The A is over, we are now building Romance and I’m just looking at how to be creative when I write about it and how to fulfill and execute on it. Yes Romance and true intimacy, with a little intrigue and suspense, which can help build our own passions.
So, I have some Ideas and I’m looking for more…The title is really an attention getter, if it doesn’t work…I’ll need to re-title my posting.
Just looking for some very Romantic Ideas
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Joined: Dec 2001
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OK...I see what you're getting at. It sounded initially like you we're attempting to duplicate or simulate the affair excitement.
I was only suggesting that this is probably not possible or even desirable.
I commend you on the effort. A little mystery and suspense are wonderful. However...a word of caution. Some things you may have attempted before the affair to add m&s could be trigger points.
I remember when I surprised my W with a getaway to a very nice hotel. I ordered champagne and put rose petals on the bed..
When we arrived, she looked at me in horror...
"This is what you did with her..."
Be careful
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Joined: Jul 2005
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This is what I have so far...
In order to build suspense, excitement and fantasy, you are going to receive clues, in the form of notes, emails and a treasure map that must be placed together in the proper order.
When placed together you’ll research and suggest items you would like to wear and some you would like to see me wearing. The final date is going to include a Romantic Dinner followed by a Sexual Rendezvous.
Still looking for more suggestions.
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