Hi I hope you can help with this. My wife recently had a short 6-week affair. Thank god it was brief; even at that it was very painful for me and destructive to our marriage. She says it's over. I'm having difficulty getting to the point where I trust her again.

In order to work towards getting our marriage on better gound, she is willing to talk about her affair, but is short on details, e.g. she won't tell me his name, where he works etc.

Example: I'd found her condoms, but she won't say ('cant remember') at what point in their relationship she bought them or anything else about them.

Another example: Wife had planned an overnight bicycle trip with the other man - that was okay with me since she'd told me he is gay. Not so! Fortunately the true nature of the relationship was revealed before the trip. We'd agreed she could still go on the bike trip so long as she would not see him (she said he had cancelled out). She went and said she did not see him. But upon her return I found a negligee in her bag. She still maintains it was there by accident and that she didn't see him on that trip; I'm very dubious.

I think it's really over at this point, but I have a need to understand down to small details in order to start trusting her again. I would much prefer to hear hard truths from her (e.g. 'I saw him on the bike trip and that's why I took the negligee along'), rather than continuing denials, untruths, lack of memory etc.

Is it common for a revealed betraying spouse to be less than completely honest about the affair?

Given that she's less than 100% forthcoming, should I be worried that maybe it's not completely over?

I'd appreciate any other advice/suggestions thanks!

Yes and YES!

I was a wayward spouse - and even when my H thought he saw OM and I kiss - I still lied about it.

Only the second time when we were caught talking online, and at a point where I wanted my marriage to work did the lying stop - and even then - I lied about the details for 3 weeks as I didn't want to hurt my H with the details...I wanted to soften the blow.

WS's thrive on the lies...and will not be truthful until they really want to focus on the marriage and not the affair...

weneed,

At this point on the rollercoaster, if your WW is speaking, you should assume she is lying to you. Unless you can prove otherwise.

k

EDITED TO READ: How very thoughtful of her to supply her own condoms!! OUCH!!

Thx Krusht and Dorry. Rollercoaster is right.

Wife claims they kissed and fooled around a little but never actually had sex - according to her he isn't interested in her that way. If so we may have been very lucky to nip it in the bud (I hope). Anyway I'm glad the condom package was unopened. What a thing to think about!

Wife says he's quit calling, and that it's over. And that even if he did call, she would tell him that she can't have anything to do with him now since she wants to work on her marriage.

She says it was just a selfish flirtation/fling rather than an affair. Fine, but the lack of complete information makes me pretty uneasy.

I'm hoping to turn this into a marriage-strengthening event - lord knows we need our marriage to be stronger. But still am fearful, resentful and mistrusting. Boy I hate thinking and feeling this way...

Ummmmmmm - well my dear - a fling is an affair....she is still in the fog and too close to the situation. If she truly is in NC, this should lift in the next month or so or less...but if she is still in contact with him - this fog won't lift...she will still say foolish things like that.

Weneed,

""Wife claims they kissed and fooled around a little but never actually had sex - according to her he isn't interested in her that way.""

PLEASE READ PREVIOUS POSTS!!! She went to the trouble of buying her own condoms!! Don't you think the OM might have brought some too??

HE ISN'T INTERESTED IN HER THAT WAY??? Oh my God!! That is one for the record books! Talk about fogbabble!!

You need to concentrate on finding out who the guy is!!

""Wife says he's quit calling, and that it's over""

""She says it was just a selfish flirtation/fling rather than an affair.""

What else do you want to hear to make you feel better??...I am sure she will tell you those lies too.

I hate to be a wet blanket, but you must consider the worst and not accept your W's explainations.

k

Here is my hunch...
lingerie does not 'accidently' find itself in an overnight bag.
Just because that condom package wasn't opened does not mean that there haven't been others.
If your wife is truly sorry, and wants to fix her M...then she needs to start giving you details, names...ect...

Don't give up on your M, it can be saved. However, don't be naive...and don't trust your wife.

keep us posted,
Best Wishes,
K

Thanks for your thoughts Dorry, Krusht and Pureangel. It's helpful to have some give & take with you about this. Some of this is talking to myself out loud, I hope you don't mind..

I truly wish she were 100% open with me, and many might think that she hasn't been. But continuing to mistrust her - checking her cell phone log, inspecting her overnight bag, looking for new lingerie, condoms etc - seems to me like it's going the wrong way. What does it gain us?

Wife is a mature self-realized woman who will do what she will, regardless of whether I trust her or not. And I don't want suspicion on my part to sabotage potential progress in other areas of our M. Definitely we have other issues and to some extent those may have contributed to her affair. It seems to me that we need to work on those top priority.

I'll press again for 100% openness on her part and hope she can participate more in this trust-building stage. If not, then I expect it will unfortunately extend this painful stage.

If she continues to be reticent, are there other avenues that would help to restore trust?

Weneed..

Listen to these folks. Listen to what your heart is telling you. Coincedence that there are the follwoing: another man, condoms, sexy under wear? Now none of it happened to you it happened to me. Now what do you think?

My XW's affair ended...ENDED...6 years ago. We have been divorced almost two years! We have reconciled and we are recovering since last year.

IT TOOK ME 9 MONTHS FOR HER TO TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! It went from a "couple of out of town "flings" while AWAY for work to a year long EA and PA." I demanded the truth or we're done..no more...and that was when I found out about the "closure" ...they needed...that had him fly his private jet to an airport over 100 miles away for a booty call....

First you need to NOT fall for her nonsense. She needs to come clean so you can begin healing. Trust me..I know all about it...I had to draw a line in the sand before I got it. She wanted to protect herself and me...all they do is make it worse....

good luck

There is no need for, or right to, privacy in a marriage.

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Weneed,

""If she continues to be reticent, are there other avenues that would help to restore trust?""

The only other one would be the course you seem to be leaning...Sticking your head way down in the sand and believing everything your W says..because:

""Wife is a mature self-realized woman who will do what she will, regardless of whether I trust her or not.""

So it's hopeless?? Nothing you say or do will shift your self realized W's actions? Don't want to do anything to piss her off?

k

Does she know you found her condoms?

ooops...sorry. Yes she does.

Does she still have them?

Susan

Sorry to threadjack here. I recently found condoms tucked away in our bath cabinet with several in WH's toiletry bag.

I had my tubes tied a decade ago.

condoms were the "hard" evidence/proof (pun intended) that began our D-day

I was pretty sure they were not intended as water balloons

and we had been a condom-free marriage for years and years

condoms=affair in our house

When my XW and I were in recovery she was taking medicine that prevented her BC from being any "good"...

So for a month when it was SF time I had "issues"......cause the first thing out of her mouth AFTER D hour was "I was safe"...and it made me feel so much better....

OMG! You need to read the links on this site, not just read the message board. You trust your wife after an A? My wife had NC with her lover three time supposedly and she is still with him.

If you want to save your marriage you better snoop, you better check phone records, you better check emails. If not you're just encouraging the A.

IMHO! You're wife is still seeing him, and I know it's hard to think of, but your wife probably slept with him. You have to deal with it, or it will get worse. How would you feel if you were sleeping with her and she was sleeping with him and all of the sudden you came up with an STD?

Of course, you could just believe her. Because somebody willing to cheat on a marriage is definately trust worthy.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's a sore subject.

Thanks to all for your thoughts. I'm very troubled by the lying and deception, which have really driven a wedge between us. I'm not as troubled by what physical acts they engaged in. Aside from the scary possibilities of pregnancy or STD, I can't see that it really makes so much difference what they did physically. To me, their emotional connection is more important and damaging.

It's the deceit - and also being demoted to her number 2 - that makes me feel violated. It's fairly ruined our connectedness, and turned us into chilly quiet housemates. I want to rebuild what we had before.

If her affair is truly over, that may be possible. If it's not over, then that may be impossible. But that factor is largely out of my control. Other than avoiding LoveBusters and trying to be a supportive and loving husband in a time which is confusing to her as well as to me, I don't seem to have much influence over that path.

Thanks again; I appreciate any thoughts.

Hang in there!
One day at a time.

Keep reading and posting here...you'll get through this.
We all will!
Kim

Well he called her again, and she told me he had called. That's good, and I'm grateful to her for that. She could have kept it to herself, which would have been yet another deception.

She says she told him to stop calling. I thought that had happened some time ago, but perhaps I misunderstood. Given their emotional ties, it seems clear that noncontact is the only way to go.

Now she is crying and depressed over the loss of her friend. From what I've read that's a typical reaction. She's also upset with me for having said their relationship can't continue. That doesn't make sense to me, but I think I need to understand her point of view. Although I'm glad that she seems to have ended it - this may sound weird - I care for her and I feel her pain at her loss of a close friend. And I really want to be there for her, so that she knows she can turn to me when she needs support.

Can someone help with suggestions for how I can help her to get through her time of withdrawal and depression - and help her get over her upset with me? Thanks!

Comfort her and allow her to grieve her loss. Be a safe, very safe place for her to "land". She's filled with guilt and very confused right now. She needs a place free from Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements, Selfish Demands. Don't push her right now, as you'll push her right back into contact with OM.

She will experience weeks to months of withdrawal symptoms, just as an addict would if they quit smoking crack. She needs support, comfort and unconditional love right now, at the time it is hardest for you to give. But give it anyway. Expect NOTHING from her in return right now, as she's not capable. I spent two full days comforting my FWW when she learned the A was over, and withdrawal took 6 months. Only then was my FWW able to come out of the fog and we began to reconnect.

Best wishes,
SD