How was your weekend?

Mine was terrible. We have fought most of it (pretty typical when my MIL is here). But, my H LB'ed quite a bit and I am feeling very hurt and disrespected right about now. A few minutes ago when I pointed out he was LB'ing, he yelled at me, said the F-word (while I was crying), and blamed a simple misunderstanding all on me.

All I needed was to be reassured and to know he could understand my fears (as they relate to his A). During the fights, I have never felt valued or understood by him (big EN). In fact, when I was talking to him, he interupted me to talk to someone else and then he started typing on his computer (even after I asked him to respect me enough to not do so as I was trying to talk with him). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> He is a CA.

I know you said Sprint LB'ed quite a bit after he found out about your A. Now that you are further out from D-day and into R, any tips on how to handle the LB'ing? I understand that he is hurt and angry, but he purposely tries to hurt me when he LBs. He will say something really hurtful and make pointed remarks. H says exactly what he wants to say and does not try to protect me at all. He is making HUGE WDs every time he does this. This is not helping our M at all and is hurting my feelings toward him.

Hey Improving

Sorry you had a rough weekend.

Well - Sprint LB'd for 7 months...not at first he didn't...he just told me when he was hurting and why he was hurting..but 3 months into R - he started being very cruel...referring in words that weren't so nice about me f**ing another man in times where the comment was not needed (normal wife/husband fights). Sadly I would react emotionally and get angry - which I don't think helped him, but then would remember the MB way - say honey - I am so sorry and I love you very much and leave it at that. It would piss him off too as he would say I KNOW YOU ARE SORRY YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP APOLOGIZING!!!

He is probably dealing through his anger still, and I made a post awhile back here that helped me out - I realized Sprint couldn't work on the marriage with me or meet my needs or change until he was ready - he had to work through himself and his pain first.

Sucked as his pain and working through things got him to the point where he left and had an A as well...but it had to be on his timing.

Patience SUCKS - but it's what you gotta dig down deep and find. I know BOTH of you had an A...and you are experiencing what a BS is feeling too - place your boundaries...and with those boundaries in place, let him work through his anger and just keep changing. Eevn though Sprint left in the end, had I done things differently, when he came back...he would have not been able to see the commitment and patience I had...but because no matter what I kept up a PLan A of sorts, when it was time to come back he could look back and finally "SEE" everything I had been doing. I put myself on hold for a long time, my needs, everything - quelled the taker in me and learned to satisfy those needs through church, firends who are females, children, etc.

Did you mention whether he was in IC or not? If he is - then let the IC help him through this...and walk away when he fights - DON'T point out he is LB'ing - DON"T point out anything he is doing wrong - as it's wrong in your eyes and possibly not his. Just walk away. You can't have a fight with someone who won't fight.

And I used to think Sprint purposely hurt me when we fought..but he is like me - things come out of your mouth before you think...and it's too late to take it all back. Sprint never apologizes...but he did say once, ever say things you wish you could take back - he told me before he left that 75% of the cruel things he said to me he wished he hadn't said...that he was just letting his tongue take control.

So even if your H's tongue is in control - yours doesn't have to be.

I know you are a BS too and it SUCKS to have to put your BS needs on hold, but you are also a WS and were a WS before a BS. Unless your MC says otherwise - try focusing on one affair at a time...and unfortunately I think it will be yours first. Keep your taker quelled. I know you want your needs met...but keep meeting his regardless of what you get in return. Patience will pay off!

DS-

Thanks for the link to the other post, it is very good and I need the reminder! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am not asking him to meet my ENs, per se, I am just asking that he treat me with respect and not LB. I do have boundaries and this is one of them. Regardless of what either of us has done, we are people and deserve basic respect. He does not do that when he LBs. He knows exactly which words to say and how to say them. And, when I ask him to stop LBing, then he will justify it by blaming it on me. I will take responsibility for my own actions, but I will not take responsibility for his too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes, I look at my H and think maybe this is the new him. Maybe the man I love is dead, and this new man is hard and cruel and mean. But, then I remember that my actions contributed to why he has gotten to this place, But it does not excuse his behavior. He does not have full permission or entitlement to hurt me because I hurt him. My H has always known how to push my buttons.

And, today, I just needed to know he could understand my fears and could reassure me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But, instead, he just argued with me about something that was not the main point. Once we were done, I realized that it seemed to be a simple misunderstanding. When I mentioned this, that is when he LBed the most and blamed the whole thing on me.

DS, I do spend a lot of time trying to understand what I need to do differently because I can only change me. I constantly ask myself, what could I have done better/differently? I wonder if he ever does the same because he does not show it much. Both of us got us here and both of us will need to change to get us out of this mess. I sometimes fear that he may not have it in him to make the necessary changes.

Also, he has recently discovered through IC, that he is co-dependent (I suspect I am too). But, he went from being too much one way, to being too much the other way. He is swinging on both extremes of the spectrum. He is not very pleasant to be around at times because his Taker has been out if full force.

I do want a M where my H is honest with me and does not CA. But, I do not want a man that is rude about doing so. For example, today he kept repeating that he was not going to agree with me just because I wanted him to. This was not at all what I needed/wanted. Yet, he focused in on that and would not let go even when I kept telling him that that was not what it was about. This has been an on-going thing with him since "discovering" this problem. Now, he is so focused in on not agreeing with me, that he misses the whole point entirely. No matter how I tried to explain it, he could not hear me. I never asked him to agree with me, I just wanted to know he understood. It's about empathy.

So, I will express my feelings to him and then he will promptly tell me he does not agree. These are my feelings--they are not to be agreed or disagreed with--they just are. It would be the same if I said to him, "I don't agree that you should be hurt that I gave SF to OM." It's not my place to agree or disagree, those are his feelings. I do not have any right to agree or disagree. It is my responsibility to try to understand and be there for him. That is all I wanted, but H could not let go of the idea I wanted him to agree with me, so he missed altogether what I really was getting at (still not sure he does).

I do not agree that I should not point out he is LBing when he cusses and yells at me. This is a boundary and the MC said we should do so. I will not be his punching bag and I do not expect him to be mine. We both tell each other when we are LBing and I actually like when he does it because it makes me realize something right then and there (hopefully, before I can make things even worse). And, he does admit he purposely hurts me when we are fighting and that he tries to get a rise out of me sometimes.

I am hurting a lot today. He said some very pointed and hurtful things yesterday and today. And he accomplished his goal--I am very hurt <<<SOB>>> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I just wonder when his goal will not be to be hurtful, but to recover.

Is this a true fact or a disrespectful judgement on your part...I really thought Mr. intelligent Sprint - who NEVER says anything without thinking about it - must have KNOWN he was saying hurtful things before he said them- turns out I was wrong. Funny enough I learned he was like me - he spit out first thing on his mind and what he was feeling, then wanted to take them back the minute they came out. BUT never told me he wanted to take them back - instead - just let it all escalate...my assuming he was doing it on purpose...that was my DJ.



Don't ask him to stop LBing - it comes across as condesending and parently. When he speaks without respect, just say. Honey - I would love to talk to you, but cannot continue this conversation until we can treat eachother as adults with respect. And walk away - let the situation cool - Don't tell him how to talk - if he is going to LB and dis-respect then it's not the time for a talk - walk away. he will learn he can't talk to you that way as you just wont let him - but you also wont be "telling him"how it has to be - you will let him figure it out on his own.



Now this is a funny comment my dear - you know better. People who are hurt do and say things that are out of character - what did you do when you were neglected and hurt in your marriage - you had an A - you treated him poorly. Now he is neglected and hurt and guess what - he had an affair and he is still angry - so still acting out. The man you love is not dead - he's just lost in anger and hurt - PATEINCE. But you are right - he does not have permission or entitlement to hurt you - but how can you help? WALK AWAY - don't let him hurt you - if you engage in it - then you end up hurting him too - then you both are further behind.




Well he is probably NOT focused on not agreeing with you - but probably more focused on what he is dwelling or obsessing on, which makes you null and void for a bit. And stop trying to explain things...I did that to sprint all the time and I drove the poor man nuts. I wanted Sprint to understand me dearly - but I realized - he wont - but that's okay - cause I don't understand him either. I learned to realize I HAVE NO CONTROL over what he understands or what he does...I make my point once and leave it at that - whether he understand or not. Pushing my explaination or point makes him go into NOT listening mode as it's - Oh here comes Dorry again, pushing herself on me...sheesh". And then he was LESS receptive to listening to me.

ANd funny thing is - since I accepted I have no control - life got easier- even Sprint seems happier - I still have boundaries, and still bring up concerns, but I dont bring them up in a - this is the way I see things and you have to listen type of attitude - I say - this is how I feel, and listen to his, and don't argue to try to make mine more important - as that was a BIG part of me - I realized I wanted to be right, wanted to be heard, and wanted my opinion to matter the most - POOR SPRINT! I have learned that my way isn't the only way, my feelings aren't the only ones, and Sprint may be feeling very different than I am about the same thing and be effected very differently - and I amy not understand him, and he may not understand me - but we have learned to peacefully co-exists in love this way. It just took me letting go of all control.



I understand what you are saying and agree - but sometimes when you are arguing - pointint out LB comes in as condesnding, being right. Walk away first. Come back later and tell him how you felt - not what he did

Don't say - you are LBing - say - the way you said that made me feel.....that way if he didn't mean it that way - he can explain. When you accuse right off the bat - then the other person gets defensive and you get no where. Make sense?

Hey, Improving! Hope you don't mind my butting in here for a second... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />



I'm just learning about this, myself. Yes, there is an appropriate balance. I, too, need to find out where it is. But, when you have lived your life one way, and to find out that your co-dependency helped to contribute in no small part to your spouse's affair, well, let's say that I am bound and determined to fix it. I know that I haven't learned the best way yet. Maybe Mr. Improving is still trying to find the right mix.



Sorry, Improving, but if Mrs. Wonk said this to me I would be crushed. I wouldn't know how to lift that burden - that Mrs. Wonk would think that it is my "goal" to be hurtful?? How can he fight that perception?

OK..I've just gotta jump in here again.



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You could not have explained better how I feel when talking with Mrs. Wonk. This is the reason behind my other post. It is such a huge burden to carry when you are forced into empathy. "You will understand me or there will be hell to pay"! Well, Mrs. Wonk doesn't say this but eventually, it sure does feel like she is! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I want to know what Mrs. Wonk feels - I just don't want smashed into me with a bat.

Darned it all

I wrote out this LONG post and it got deleted GRRRRR

I will rewrite again in a few

It was in reply to a post you have deleted Improving..so maybe I wont rewrite it.

But it all has to do with Choosing to trust rather than earning trust. Take the risk and choose to trust. You are bettering yourself...and if you get burned again - you will know what to do, so take the chance and trust - you may get the marriage you have been waiting for.

But this is once again - based on my experiences with Sprint

He said to me the other day that he needs to trust me again. Well, I feel the same. I gave him my trust on many occasions after his D-day and then we would have another D-day. I got scared to trust him or myself. I finally got to a point where I needed to see in his actions that he was in our M and really wanted it to work. And, lately, I have seen those things and it has made a big difference.

Yet, in other ways, I have not. Like, he left his mom at the house yesterday with the kids and went out alone. Very unlike him to leave her alone as she is only here a short time. He had left me a VM telling me he would be available by cell if he went out. So, I called the house first and he was not there. I called his cell, and it was off. Considering his A and our recent fights (and the fact that he left the house and that was unusual), a lot of my fears came into play.

When he finally did call me back, I asked why he did not have the phone on. Well, he said he forgot to bring the phone charger and when he got to the end of the street and realized he did not have it, he did not bother to go back. This upset me. He did not seem to understand why him keeping his word was important to me. All he seemed to feel was that I was being controlling about the phone. Not once did he see the real issue for me was trust. He never said that he had promised to have the phone on and that he should have because he said he would. Basically, he gave his word (on his own) that he would have the phone on and charged. Then, when he did not do so and I brought that up, he was annoyed about it.

So, if you say you are going to do something, I have no right to be upset if you do not do it? Huh? WTF? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I have the same need he has to be able to trust again. Breaking promises does not build trust. The old H would have understood this---> you have broken trust, keeping your word builds trust. Not keeping your word, breaks trust. This is true of any relationship, A or not.


For me there are multiple issues:

-he was not reachable in an emergency
-he said he would be available by phone (broken promise)
-he has said he does not want me to be scared needlessly (about the fact he may be with her), yet some of his actions do just that
-he had an A, it is part of EPs that we need to know where the other is (yet, he has always resisted them putting it on me and saying it has to do with me being too controlling. Does not seem to matter that this is what the Harleys recommend.)


To me, this in about building trust again. If I cannot even trust him to keep his word on something so basic as being available by phone when he said he would be, how can I expect he will tell me the truth about not cheating on me again?

I have told him I need EPs. He has said he does not want me to be afraid needlessly, yet he was unreachable. It is a need of mine to recover from his A--no less important than his need for SF. And, he checks on me all the time. Yet, he has always seemed to react to extraordinary precautions as though I am trying to control him. No, it is about atoning for the A. I never acted like this before he cheated on me. I never had to.

Again, where is he taking responsibility for his A and the aftermath of it?

There's the post.


Okay - I may be taking this out of context - but it sounds to me like you are very focused on him acting like you did. You are paying for the concequences of your A, your are making changes, you are showing remorse...but he isn't (or not that you can see)

You have to let that go. Keep focusing on YOU and your changes and YOUR contributions for the marriage. Stop focusing or worrying about his remorse, or his changes. That's what I mean by giving up control. He probably has his own things to deal with. Even though Sprint never shows me - I know he is taking responsibility for his A, just by BEING here, holding me when I am hurting, and trying to make thigns RIGHT. But he is doing that by focusing on the future and rebuilding...darn - I would LOVE for him to keep telling me he is sorry for what he did - but it's NOT gonna happen...and me expecting it is going to hinder our progress. So I let it go. I can't control how is igonna act, how he is going to deal with his concequences, how he is going to take responsibility...or even if he will ever or if he will have to?

Sprint's not a dumb man - I am sure he is doing all of this on his own time in his head - away from me. As much as he covers up feelings, he is far too analytical to not figure things out for himself. But I may NEVER know this journey - and I have accepted that. I don't expect him to do things the way I did...even though I was successful - he may not be,

As for trusting - I had to take that leap that all BS's take - and so did Sprint. We occassionally check up on eachother, but we also tell eachother everything...

We both know that if the other one cheats again - it's done. But remember when your H was in his A, remember when you were in your A - there were telltale signs that we wanted to ignore...are those telltale signs there again? Do you have any reason BESIDES the past, not to trust right now? If so - then put those expectations on him, but if you don't have any reason to doubt him NOW, then don't. Easier said than done.

Example - Friday night Sprint had to work late - he didn't call to say he would be late. He worked till 8pm. I got freaked, as his A behavior - he worked till 11-12am at the office so he could work and chat with OW. He never called during that time. I thought OMG - he is chatting with her. Then I shook my head silly and thought - is he showing me ANY signs right now like before, that he is cheating? Has he been hiding things? NO - his job is intense, and sometimes requires late times if a project is going hard and he is on a roll.

When he got home I asked him how come he had to work late - he got into training with the new guy and they were on a roll solving a problem - but it was also a meeting type thing where he couldn't get away to call and he apologized. He then proceeded to tell me all about his day = ups, downs and talked with me for awhile. This is not how he acts when he is giving his convo's to other people...

So I gave him all my trust. ANd didn't bring it up. If I get burned - oh well - I will move on - I am a BETTER person now then I was then due to my journey and constant changing - I would be okay with out Sprint, the difference is - I DONT want a life without Sprint. And in that I CHOOSE to trust - even if he didn't trust me - and checked up on me...I choose to trust him

Hey I chose to trust him during his A when he checked up on me fore EVERYthing and kept asking me -how does it feel to be checked up on. I said - it's fine, I have nothing to hide...but only checked up on him once. I continued to fight my heart and give him the benefit of the doubt - i was wrong to do so - YES, as he was lying, but deep down I knew that - I saw it. I was just choosing to ignore it.

Now when I choose to trust - there is no deep down gut feeling that he is lying. I wont make him earn his trust - the trust is there for his taking - but if he ABUSES that trust - then there will be concequences.

I agree he probably is, but when his Taker is out and he LBs, it is hard to be understanding of this. I don't have a problem working with him on it, I just would like him to treat me respectfully.




First, I have never said this to Mr Improving and do not plan to. That is why I come to this forum-- to get my emotions out in a more healthy way and get clarity about myself.

WB, I ask you for one moment, put aside how you might feel about the comment if she said it and consider how it might feel to Mrs Wonk to feel as though you were trying to hurt her and not protect the M. That would be a very sad and lonely place to be. That is where I am right now. Yesterday and today, Mr Improving said some very hurtful things. He has not treated me this way in about a month or so. He had really been doing well expressing himself and still protecting me and the M. I started to feel safe again. In one fail swoop, he took all that away. And, my remark was about the current status of things over the last few days, not all the time.

I reposted it, I believe. I thought I had posted it in the wrong place, so that is why I had deleted it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

In many ways, I do take the risk to trust. But, I do not agree that trust is also not earned and can be depleted on some level (as is love--the concept of the Love Bank). In this particular sitch, I did not ask him to tell me he would have the phone on, he volunteered it on his own. When he did not have it on, that broke trust. Plain and simple. He said he knew he had promised to have the phone on, but "did not want to bother" going back for the charger.

H and I both agree that part of this is choosing to trust. But, he has also said, "I need to know I can trust you again." It is no different for me. I trusted he would have the phone on. When he says he will do something and then doesn't (and knows this is no minor thing to me), this breaks trust. Does that mean I assume he is cheating because of it? Not at all. But, we are making baby steps of progress, this set me back. I need to know I can trust him.

You tell me on the one hand to have patience and understand where he is at because I created this mess and I have to deal with the fallout from my A. Well, DS, I feel the same about what he did. I am hurting and I need his patience and understanding too. I gave him my trust on 3 occasions and got burned every time. Now, I look to his actions more to prove to me that his words are real. This is the fallout from his A. Yet, he does not seem to understand this.

Why is it you think he's trying to hurt you? Stop and think about it for just a second. I am not disagreeing with you that Mr. Improving needs to be respectful and to release his emotions in a healthy manner. We all need to do this and need to continually work at it.

My concern is your perception. Think about how you are looking at him - you are sitting there in front of your computer and thinking that Mr. Improving is out to hurt you. His actions may be hurtful. He may be LBing. He may be as mad as a hornet but unable to express it healthily. He may be frustrated with you. He, like Dorry said of Sprint, may say stuff in the heat of the moment. All of those indicate a failure to communicate. They do not indicate that someone is purposely out to hurt you. That's a pretty significant viewpoint you have. While it may reflect how you feel over the past several days, can it be an underlying theme of how you look at him?

Dorry?

Are you "looking" at his actions or are you judging him by his actions?

Look at it this way, I'm sure Mr. Improving looks at your actions, too. Correct? If so, does he make you feel that your actions are not good enough or does it seem like he takes from them what he can and continues on?

Okay

I put this on WonkBoy's thread - but I think it fits here too...

*****

Okay

A wise woman on here (pep ) once told me after Sprint had is A - not to let it become an Even thing - like okay - you did it to me, I did it to you to do comparison etc.

What I learned from that is that if you focus TOO much on what ther other did to you - you forget what you did to them.

So instead of focusing on all the things Sprint doesn't do, or DID to me, I focus instead on all the things I am CHANGING for the marriage, on all the things I DO for Sprint - regardless of his effort or what he does.

I think Sprint is at that point too - instead of focusing on what I DID to him, he is focused on what he is DOING now for me, and for our marriage...the things he DIDN'T do before.

I think that is the key to recovery in a situation like this. To get a goal (the marriage), and then stick with it. The thing is - you have can't have too many expectations or your spouse is bound to fail.

the ONLY expectation I have of Sprint is that he will continue to lay down new foundation for our FUTURE. I have NO expectations on him in regards to healing, remorse, how he behaves, what he does, how he trusts - NONE. And I can say he finally has the same expectation of me - that I work towards a good marriage.

Maybe you need to throw your expectations of your wife (and in Imp's sitch, her H) and focus on what YOU did to your spouse...and what you are going to do from now on, regardless of how they are acting.

****

WB-

No, I do not feel Mr I has been out to hurt me all the time. As I said, it was how I was feeling about the way he treated me over the last 2 days. Prior to that, I had been feeling really good about things.


From Basic Concepts-Love Busters area of this website:



The definition of a LB is hurting your S for your own gain. Mr I did LB and he did so in a very pointed way at times. He made specific remarks about my A. There are times each of us LBs and we do not realize we are. However, these pointed remarks were not accidental. He knew what he was saying. He knows me well enough to know what will hurt me--don't most spouses?

At the end of our talk today, I had said it was a miscommunication. I just wish when I had said that, he did not proceed to LB me. He was irritated with me and it showed in his LBs. I paid the price. That is Harley's definition.

I was not expecting to be treated that way, that is why it hurt so badly. He has been caring for me very well recently and making big deposits. I felt safer with him than I had in a long time. So, his treatment of me came as quite a blow.

I was not trying to suggest that his words were not hurtful. Rather, what was behind the words - frustration? Anger? Pain? Lousy breakfast? Yes, he may have said some bad things. He may have intended to get some jabs in knowing that it would sting. But, to some extent, that is a defense mechanism, is it not? Do you see what I am saying? His goal may not be to hurt you but maybe he was feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment and needed some space and created it in an unhealthy manner. That doesn't make it acceptable but it doesn't mean that his "goal" was to hurt you.

DS-

I understand what you are trying to say, I do. But, there is also some differences in our sitch. I do not believe you had multiple D-days. I did. And, they did affect my trust. As I said, I trusted him time and again and I got burned. Does that mean I am making him earn trust back? No and Yes. In the sense that I am watching his behavior for signs he is cheating again, then, yes, I not automatically trusting him. But, I am assuming he is innocent unless proven otherwise.

And, there is just basic trust necessary to any relationship. If he tells me he will do something and then doesn't, that breaks some trust. Does it remove everything else he is doing right? No. Not at all. But, the phone has been an issue for us for awhile pre-A. And during the A, he would regularly not answer it if I was calling him. So, it is a trigger for me.

I just want to know that he will say what he means and mean what he says. He told me he would have the phone charging and on. He did not do it. This would not be as big of an issue if it had not happened before. I am trying to show him I can be trusted, I need the same from him. This may not be what you would choose for your R, but this is what I choose for mine. I do want a M where my H keeps his word.

You are right - I didn't have multiple D-days - but I did have months of Sprint telling me - there was nothing to the OW and insisting he was trying to work on the marriage - only to find out now - he wanted out the whole time and it was a matter of when and how...2 months of lying to me everyday about his intentions.

And I want a M where my H keeps his word too...but I guess what i am trying to say - is that too many restrictions can hinder the growth. Could it be he honestly forgot to charge his phone? Just playing the devil's advocate a little.

But you are right - what works for my R may not work for yours....

DS-

He has admitted trying to hurt me. As I said to WB, per the Harleys, a LB is something that you do that gives you something at the expense of your S. This is what he was doing at times. Some of the other LBs were most likely just a side effect of the fight, but not necessarily intentional. He did make some pointed remarks about my A. For the most part, lately, H has improved quite a bit on the purposeful LBs. I will consider whether I am making an assumption vs. that he was truly attempting to hurt me.



As I said, the MC told us to tell the other if we are LBing. He has not said he has a problem with this, and I do not have a problem with it. I think it could be condescending if approached wrong, but it does not have to be. Part of it is establishing personal boundaries. You do not have to automatically be disrespectful when doing so.

Not to rock the boat here, but, I have to say, DS, some of your ideas come across as orders. When you say certain things I feel like you are telling me what to do. I do not mind suggestions, but some of your posts come across as your way is the only way. My H has said I come across the same way, so this is a good learning experience for me too. As I have posted, one of my biggest needs is to feel valued and understood. Sometimes, I feel like you cannot see my POV. I don't mind if we disagree, but I want to know you have considered how I feel too.

I do think you are right that I need to recognize when it would be healthier to put a stop to the discussion when we are not getting anywhere. This has been hard lately as H is finally starting to talk to me more and LB less. It has been so nice to be able to talk to him. It has been too long. However, I need to keep my eye on the goal-- a healthier, happier M.