How do I enforce my boundary of no contact, even though my wife won't quit her job and still sees OM?

Telling her it hurts me is obviously not going to work anymore.

All right, I'm going to pick one boundary and put it very clear.

My boundary: WW cannot go see OM.
What I have done: Told WW this really hurts me without LBs or DJs.
What she has done: Stayed at OM's for four days without a phone call last weekend. Spent time with him yesterday.

How do I enforce it without ultimatums or moving to plan B?

Since this is DontKnowMuch's thread, I will answer his question specifically. But it will apply pretty much to what everyone else is talking about.

Boundaries. How do you enforce them in Plan A? it is easy in Plan B...but how do you do it in Plan A? Of course, Lemonman is right that one of the things you do is to continually let the WS know when they cross. Why? not that they are gonna all of a sudden say "Well, I didnt think of how it was hurting you, honey. I guess I had better stop then." That is not why it is done.

It is done to build a case. To be able to "document" in the WS's mind the continued betrayal of the BS. The offenses continue to mount in their minds. They can never find peace or acceptance with what they are doing. They can never in their foggy minds be able to think rationally and believe that the BS is okay with what they are doing. No. They are continually reminded of their transgressions. And the weight of that builds on them. At least most of them, especially the ones that end up coming back to the marriage.

But that is not the only thing that can be done with the boundaries. Now, there should never be ultimatums. If you say "I do not want you to see the OM...it is not right and I expect you to end that relationship immediately....or else I will..." Then you will only be getting yourself into trouble. And i ntheir foggy world, you will actually be helping them get what they think they want.

Let me give you a quick example. My wife, even the other day, durign a discussion about what has happened, had asked "well, what if I had come back, but did not want sex? That we would just live as husband and wife, but the SF part would not exist." I told her that was unacceptable, that I would not have accepted a marriage without SF. Now, how could I enforce that? Rape her? Hardly. I would never do that. But, then why say that to her when I know that if she made that decision, I could not actively do anything to change it? Well, first of all...as I stated above...it would build the case against her. She would know that a spouse that is not providing for the sexual needs of their mate, is sinning and it is unacceptable.

But added to this, there is something else afoot here. And it is represented in the response my wife said. She said "Well, what would you do about it? Divorce me?" Yo usee, there is the challenge! I set up a boundary, she clearly breaks it or talks about breaking it...and what do I do?

Well, in this case, even though we are talking hypothetically, I dealt with it as if it was an actual assault on my boundaries and expectations. So I told her again that it was unacceptable. That one of my options is to yes, divorce her.

But my other option is to continue to pursue and illuminate my boundary and/or expectation. To not let her cross it without the light of day on it. In my case, I would continue to pursue her sectually. Not in a scary or overbearing way. But in a way that a husband does. I would not remain quiet about it. I would come to her as if I believe the expectation is going to be met.

It is called creating a crisis.

In the case on this thread, he needs to create a crisis. You say that your wife should not go see the OM. And then she does. How can you create a crisis? Can you go there and knock on the door and tell her that she needs to stop and to come home? Can you continue to sxpose to family and friends of both parties each time she crosses that line? What other ways can you create a crisis? each situation is a little unique in its pecularities. So, I want you to think of how you can create a crisis each time she crosses that boundary.

By telling her where the boundaries are...and then by creating a crisis each time she crosses that boundary, then that boundary begins to associate itself with her as pain. That each time she nears it or touches it or crosses it, there is pain involved. Not unlike my dog and the spiked collar I have on him. He can pull as hard as he likes...but the harder he pulls, the more painful it gets for him.

So there it is. First to build a case. Second, you create a crisis surrounding that boundary/expectation.

Hope that helps.

In His arms.

[quote]

So there it is. First to build a case. Second, you create a crisis surrounding that boundary/expectation.

Hope that helps.

In His arms.

Don'tKnowMuch, I recommend you read up on Plan A and B some more.

Negotiating with non-negotiable constraints is common. But it makes the negotiations difficult, depending on what they are.

NC is what you are negotiating to achieve! You can’t make it one of the pre-set conditions before even starting the negotiations.

If NC is non-negotiable while in Plan A, your negotiations will likely fail, from your standpoint. This is not really Plan A in the first place. You have made your end goal one of the non-negotiable pre-conditions. That’s like negotiating disarmament with North Korea.

There are a few FWS here that immediately established NC after D-Day. Not many, but a few. Plan A was redundant in their cases.

You must be prepared to Plan B when the NC negotiations of Plan A fail, as they usually do.

LM, I agree with you, I think. Boundaries, as used here, are for recovery.

With prayers,

LM, I agree with you, I think. Boundaries, as used here, are for recovery.

With prayers,

Well, I went through all of this prior to having come to MB, and so I didn't do it quite the way they list here.

There was ONE boundary I layed down in my case...my wife's affair was entirely emotional and online/phone only...and when confronted about it, she spoke with him, and he bought her plane tickets so that she could go live with him. My one boundary was simple...if she left me to go be with him (and I knew that they'd have a physical relationship within hours of that happening) that there was no coming back. If she got on that plane, I was out of her life FOREVER...in any capacity. She was insistent that we'd still be friends afterwards...but I made sure that she understood that if she left me like this, and betrayed that friendship as well as our marriage, that there would be NOTHING left. And when we started to discuss things the day she was supposed to leave, we started talking about all the things that wouldn't happen if she left. How there was no way we'd both be at my daughter's wedding someday...how we'd NEVER celebrate Christmas together as a family again. About how she couldn't ever call me to talk, or email, or spend time with me again.

And it was THOSE things that made her stop and think, finally, before she left. And when OM called to talk with her, she was FINALLY feeling some doubts about what she was going to leave behind...and he could hear it, and HE told her not to come.

The bottom line is that not everything is solved in just one way...things are dependent upon various factors. But to me there should be some kind of boundary with clear consequences...especially if the WS is showing signs of wavering or cake-eating. Just my thoughts.