OK, it's my first post, but I have been lurking for a while. Here is my long story (and I am bad with all of the abbreviations)...

DH and I started dating before senior year in HS (both 17yo) we dated until we were married at 24yo. We always got along great, were very active (played tennis, worked out, walked the dogs, vacationed yearly), we were best friends, then we started trying to have children. I had some difficulties conceiving and finally had our first in 2000 and our second in 2003. Once we had children, probably starting with our first one, we stopped doing the things we used to enjoy doing together. I work FT, and he went PT (2 days home per week) by his choosing. I never had the time to workout, so I didn't lose my baby weight (I am only talking about 20 pounds more than I was when we started dating at age 17). We didn't go out on dates very often anymore, and everything revolved around our kids and keeping up our house. In addition, our intimate life also took a nosedive. All those difficulties conceiving made intimacy feel like a chore because everything had to be timed. After having my second child, DH started going to the gym even more, almost daily. He would drop some comments about me needing to workout, but I always made an excuse or would start for a week then stop. In the meantime, he began talking to a coworker more. She had a similar story of her relationship with her DH, although they didn't have any kids and she didn't want any. She also worked out daily, but not at the same gym. DH was crabby and depressed for a long time. When ever I asked, he would say it was his job, or he hated being home with the kids, but he never complained about anything personal between us.

Over last summer, DH and I weren't intimate for about 4 months. His original excuse was because I wasn't on birth control, but as soon as I got on some, he still avoided me. I finally confronted DH about it in September of last year and he told me he wanted a divorce. He said he loved me but wasn't "in love" with me. At the time he said there wasn't anyone else, but over the course of the next couple of days, I found out he was having an EA with that coworker. I admitted to him that I know we have some issues in the bedroom and we haven't be communicating, but I wanted to work on these things and I wanted him to give us and our marriage a chance. We began seeing a MC (which we ended up not liking) and DH told me that he will work on our marriage. We had drastic improvements in the bedroom, and our communications skills improved too. We went on the vacation we had planned for 3 weeks later, and he said he was miserable the whole time. He still said he wanted to try, and in January of this year, I stumbled upon some phone numbers on our cell bill that I called and confirmed were the OW. (during the whole time I knew of OW, DH said she was sleeping is separate bedrooms from her DH, and in the process of a divorce) I confronted him on it, called him a quitter because he never gave our marriage a fair shake. I noticed that he called her the day after we returned from our vacation and I remember him making up excuses about having more than the usual number of minutes used on his cell bill. He then told me that he would give us 3 months to work our marriage, during that time he would not have contact with her. We also went to a new MC.

I monitored the phone calls during that time, and he made some efforts to be a bit more loving, but he was still running into OW at work, but at least no longer having lunch with her. We scheduled another family vacation at the end of those 3 months and had a better time than the previous vacation. About a week after the vacation, my sister kept saying that there must have been more than an EA, and I asked him point blank if he slept with her. He admitted to 3 times, all before I found out back in September. After all this, that wasn't going to keep me from trying to work on our marriage, but eventually we decided we needed a separation. DH didn't know what he wanted. He was 99% sure he wanted a divorce, but he agreed to a separation to think about things. As the separation day approached, he started to be unsure if he wanted to leave, but I insisted.

I let him have visitation of our children Tuesday-Wednesday, and every other Saturday-Sunday. This was actually the first time I was ever without my kids for a night, so that was rough on me. After about 3 weeks, he began telling me that he was having thoughts that things just may be able to work out with us. He started telling me I looked nice and dishing the compliments. We were intimate about 2 times while he was gone. He decided he wanted to come home so he told OW that he was committing to the marriage. She said she would not interfere. I know he did have this conversation because the following week she sent him a letter in interoffice mail saying this is the last time she will hear from her unless he persues her and told him she only wants him to be happy. So 2 days after breaking things off with her, he came home.

I guess this is where I need some help/advice. Ever since he has been home he has been so depressed, even more than before he left. He has been drinking more (he was just a casual drinker) but you can see the depression on him. I know he was in love with her. I know this is supposed to be normal after a breakup, but how long is this supposed to last (it's just over 10 days)? How am I supposed to deal with it and react? He acts fine in front of the kids though. But we have promised to be honest with our feelings and we have been talking alot. My MC (he won't see her anymore) says he needs time to mourn the loss. But I don't have any idea how to get him to get over her and get back on to working on us. We have been intimate and he isn't depressed then. And I am planning a night away this weekend, our first ever without our kids. Will he be able to get over her and the loss he is feeling? Please give me any advice you can. I really want to try to keep my marriage together and get back on the happy track.

Thanks!

Depression can last weeks, or even months while the WS is working through the withdrawl. Has he gone to a doctor to be treated for depression? Have you started counseling? These things can help mitigate the effects some...it might not be a bad idea for you to see about being treated for depression as well. Just my thoughts.

Owl ~ DH refuses to be treated for depression. He doesn't think he needs it. I am still going to counseling, but he thinks the MC won't help him anymore. I don't think I need to be treated, but I am keeping an eye on my depression level.

Is it possible to give up someone you "love" for someone you know you loved but don't think you are in love with anymore?

Yes...it happens all the time at the end of an affair. My wife did. When her affair ended, and she was in withdrawl, she cried herself to sleep every nite, and refused to let me do anything real to comfort her. This went on for 2-3 weeks before the crying stopped. But she mourned the loss of OM and the affair no less. She was also pretty hateful at times during then...she'd lash out at me (especially in counseling) telling me that I'd 'ruined her life' by not letting her go live with OM. 'Why couldn't you just let me go!'...I heard it all.

But then once the withdrawl cleared, she started to see who had really been there for her the whole time. She began to realize that she HADN'T stopped loving me...but simply she'd stop letting herself SEE that love for me. She was blinded by her relationship with OM. Once that wore off, guess who was still there, and still taking care of her and loving her (even though I didn't love her actions)?

It happens all the time...but what it really takes is for NC to remain in place, and time for your H to work through the withdrawl while you simply do your best to help him deal with it. Do NOT give in on the contact in anyway, and don't let him think that you'd ever consider keeping him if he slips up again...but at the same time, do what you can to show him that you still love him and think he's worth the effort of ONE more chance.

That's what I did at least.

Owl ~ will it be visible when the withdrawal ends?

It was VERY visible when she made her choice to work on the marriage, at least in my case. And honestly, she was still a little 'foggy' then...and we still had to deal with another round of contact between her and OM after that, but I could slowly but surely see her lift out of the depression before then. In our case, we'd seperated in-house during her withdrawl, and had talked about seperating period since she didn't think she wanted to be married anymore. The crying had let up, and the personal attacks weren't as severe...then when she told me that any lease she signed for a new apartment was going to be at least a year, I told her that I wasn't willing to live 'seperated' for a year...that if she truly wanted to do this, then we should file a divorce and end it completely. That was the final shock that brought her out of the fog and made her choose then to work on our marriage.

You should likely see VERY slow improvement over a few weeks...and then (as long as contact isn't resumed) you'll see more good days than bad. That's when you can hope to start seeing more signs from him that he's willing to work on things. At least from my experience. Hopefully you'll get more feedback from others on what they went through.

Thanks Owl. I hope I see somethng similar happen with me.