It's been a month since I confronted my W and she admitted to her A with a friend. It's been a strange month in that there have been times where I was yelling and screaming and times where we have been hugging and crying (sometimes in the same day).
I know that the OM and my WW have mutually agreed that the A is over but they have since spoken twice on the phone about the consequences they are facing. (My wife was almost fired from her job and our daughters are no longer allowed to contact each other.)
Although my wife has told me she is dedicated to our marriage, she has not specifically told the OM that she would not be speaking to him any longer. I am going to ask her to write him a letter informing him that they will no longer have any contact and if they should have contact by accident, that she will not be acknowledging him in any way.
I do not want her to call him and have this discussion by phone.

Is this a good approach?

BTW...I lost 22 lbs and dropped 40 points on my cholesterol. My doctor said I should keep up the good work (that has been the only laugh I had in a month)

Thanks.

You are 100% perfecty within your rights to do this and YOU should do this. Beware that the NC letter is completely worthless without STRICT enforcement behind it. Read here, the affairs and repeated contacts are almost NEVER ceased after one month after D-day. You are ALREADY behind the 8 ball with your WW having already talked to the OM twice. That restarted the clock towards recovery. Are you sure that the affair is dead? It doesn't exactl;y sound like it. I assume from reading your post that all important parties are aware.

Have her write and MAIL the letter TODAY....this letter is one month past due and collecting interest. You also need to keep your ears and eyes wide open for repeated contact. Be vigilant. Have you and your WW had STD testing? This is mandatory, no matter how "clean" she says the OM was.

Sour.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Your wife needs to write a no contact letter, which you should then mail. It should be very short and say something like this:

OM - I love my husband and have decided to work on our marriage. Please do not contact me for any reason, and I won't contact you.

Thanks for your message. My W is a big phone talker and she had told three of her close friends about the A. Since she was not truthful with me I decided that I needed to know what she was telling her friends. I placed a few voice activated recorders around the house and specifically worked my schedule so that she would be alone in the house. Early on she was telling her friends that she loved the OM but recently she was telling them that she wants to work it out with me and that she made a big mistake. I'm fairly confident that it is over between them but I want her to make it more "official" for me and her. When I first heard her voice on the recordings it was very painful but at least I knew the truth. Now hearing that she is showing remorse with her friends at least gives me the chance to see if we are sincere in trying to make our marriage work.
All parties are aware of their A including the OW, I had to tell her. It is a difficult situation because our daughters (11 years old) were best friends and now we are not letting them get together socially while trying to insulate them from the truth. We start MC next week and are reading some books on affairs.
Thanks

jessedog, you are on the right path and have the right idea about the letter. It should be written together and mailed by you. It is the first step in restoring the trust that she blew. Here are some samples to give you an idea of how it should look: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918;p=0#000000

Good idea to listen to her conversations. I would do this on occasion to make sure contact has truly ended. Watch your back until she has earned back some trust. You are doing good!

Another very important factor: is the OM married and has his W been told? Because this is absolutely essential in making sure this doesn't happen again.

Good luck in MC. Go with some goals in mind. The NC letter is a must; and a sign of WS entering recovery.

Thanks Melodylane for the link. I took some elements from some of the letters and combined them to draft one that fits our situation. I will ask my W to write it tonight using my draft as a guide.

Thanks for the support.
jessedog

jessdog, is the OM married? Has his wife been told?

Jessedog... don't underestimate the peril right now. She could go back so easily. Don't let it make you paralyzed... just know you've got a big fight to fight, and your W saying she wants to work it out w/you is no insurance.

GC

graycloud - unfortunately you are right. I asked my W to write the letter last night and she refused telling me that she didn't "feel" like it. I tried to stay calm but proceeded to give her 10 examples of things that I don't "feel" like doing but that I have to do; going to work, paying bills, seeing her mother, etc... The last thing I told her before going to bed was that good rational people do the right thing even when it hurts or when they don't feel like it.
She woke up this morning and told me that she would write the letter with me tonight. Who knows what the day holds? Everyday seems to be day one.

Some additional info - The OW knows everything and we have been communicating about each other's progress. She called me last night because the OM is out of town and she was making sure that my W was home and not travelling as well. I guess we are all paranoid these days.

I have been married for 15 years and have never even had a fight with my W. This A was completely out of left field and my W tells me that she loves me and she was happy and I did not do anything wrong. Every day I think she is going to "snap" out of it...but I need to realize that this is more complicated than that. We are seeing a MC Wednesday.
Thanks for listening.

How did you choose your MC?

GC

The company I work for has a great plan for all sorts of physical and mental health needs. My family and I are entitled to 10 visits each to a MC and a phycologist for a $15 copay. After the 10 visits they pick up 50% of the charges. They sent me a list of participating providers which turned out to be a very large list in my area.

I initially called a number of counselors when I first discovered the A and chose one. I did not end up seeing her and instead went to a Phycologist. When my wife suggested we go to a MC two weeks ago, I told her to choose one from the list and I would call to see if I also think she is appropriate for us. My wife called a bunch and strangely chose the same person I had chosen two weeks earlier. She was unaware that I even spoke to this MC.
I hope she truly can help us.
jd

What made you choose the MC you picked?

The NC letter is absolutely necessary. Strangely enough, instead of sending it, and then violating it, most WS's will refuse to send it. They will say they don't feel like it, it is pointless, etc. I would continue to insist that she send it.

I wanted a woman because I thought it would be easier for me to talk about myself and my W. I asked her if she had experience with these situations. She had a busy schedule which I took as a sign that she was popular, and she spent at least ten minutes with me on the phone the first time we spoke asking about my situation and my initial depression levels.

Should I ask some additional questions to help qualify a MC?
Thanks

Yes, there are questions you should be asking. You should google around... you'll find lists of questions. Here are a few ideas:

What is her typical position toward infidelity, particularly romantic affairs?

Under what circumstances does she believe people should be divorced? One of the MC I spoke with actually said, "I believe that you get married when you're ready to be married, and that your first spouse is the best spouse for you." She was amazing. I wish I'd had a chance to counsel with her.

How successful has she been in saving marriages that have been affected by infidelity?

Does she believe it's important for the BS to know the story of the affair, as experienced by the affair partners, or does she believe it's important for the BS to "move on"?

A good counselor will be all over these questions and will speak with authority on them without hesitation.

GC

Thanks gc. As it turns out my son's soccer clinic was moved to a location 60 minutes from our house so we had to cancel our MC session. We are rescheduling for ASAP.

Once again last night my W refused to write the NC letter, although this time she said that she knows she has to write it. We have been reading the books "After the Affair" and "How to Survive an Affair". Literally we read it together in bed out-loud switching off paragraphs. I find it strange and frustrating that she is willing to read the book with me but not write the letter. I keep taking my Zoloft and chugging along.
Thanks.