We have been married 24 years- since we were 18 and 19 years old w/ 3 kids. My husband told me in June he dosent love me anymore. This was after I lost my mom May 3rd. He says he dosent love me in that way- but im still his best friend. I asked about counseling -no. Did he want to work on this- no. He just wants to seperate and see if maybe he can work on himself and he would realize the grass is not greener andcome back. He says its not me its him. Thant was 2 months ago and he still hasnt left. He has been so wishy-washy and backpeddle that when things seem to settle down he seems like he wants things to work out- then he changes back to like he was if I say - Lets work on this- he will say- my position hasnt changed. He went to New Orleans for 3 days- he says to think things over and when he comes back he would have a decision on where we stand- he came back and stated I still want to seperate. He says there is not another woman- just that his feelings have changed. He says hes sorry for hurting me and he knows and sees I still love him. I feel so humilated and hurt that I just want to run away. Now he says he has to make sure the house is financially settle and that I neefd to pay my bills better. I've told him we will make it without him dont let that be the only reason to stay. Ive talked to him, tried to work things out with him, be more loving, everything -but he kept to his position that we are still close- but he dosent love me. That its too late. Well now it finally hit me and I want to leave- I dont want him to touch me or anything. I dont love him anymore and am going to counseling for me. Is it someone else or do I just stay- will things change? He says he dosent want a divorce - just seperate. Im tired of crying myself to sleep and being depressed.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sounds like he is having an affair. Have you checked into that? The affair partner is usually someone at work, a friend of yours, or someone where he hangs out.

I thought it was a girl at work who has since moved out of town to florida- she left 2 months ago. How can I find out for sure....is the marraige over? I feel like im in the valley and cant get out- i am totally lost....what do I do now. Is he in deep with tis - is it going well or is he hedging his bets

Sorry for your pain. The bad news is that he is in all likelihood (99%) having an affair. If you read here, you will see that most IF NOT ALL CHeating spouses use the EXACT words he used for asking for a separation. It is so exact is is scary. The good news there are tried and true treatments for your sitaution (cheesy medical analogy) and for saving your marriage....IF THAT IS WHAT YOU DESIRE. PLease read the stories here, what you are going through is all here.

PLease tell us more so that the more "seasoned" posters can help you.

He went to New Orleans the first week of this month- to think about things and to decide what he wanted to do- He came back and said he hadnt changed his mind - he still wanted to seperate.
I confronted him on that issue and he said no he didnt take anyone. His mom spoke to the cousins down there and they said he was by himself. He came back and like I said he backpeddled and made it seem like he wanted to work- then he forwarded again when I sat down to talk to him about what is going on- he then said nothing changed- his feelings are the same as they were.
I checked his car and around - nothing. Then he asked me when we did talk- if I found proof of an affair would that give me closure?I told him yes but he can shorten this by admitting and let me move on. He said no he has not messed around at all.. When I bring up divorce insted of seperating he says I always want to rush things- he just wants to seperate-
Why isnt he moving out like he threatened before.....the door is there...I have accepted he dosent want or love me.

I wanted to save my marraige- but im so scared and stressed and feel humilated like Im the only one who wants to save this-

what are the ways?

WAell, please let NO one tell you any different......the DEAD reality of this is, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE NOW. Your WH surely can't at the present time. You need to read this site thoroughly here, there is alot to be learned.

Sour.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry for your pain. The bad news is that he is in all likelihood (99%) having an affair. If you read here, you will see that most IF NOT ALL CHeating spouses use the EXACT words he used for asking for a separation.

I just have to say that I would not put the odds nearly so high. I mean, he may well be having an affair, but based on what you have written, I don't think there is a 99% chance of that. It sounds to me more like 50/50. Just a guess.

do I leave the house w/ the kids?Do I stay and make the best for me and them- exclude him. Does t sound lie this affair has been going a long time or is it new?

Remember, an EA is as devasted if not worse than a PA. I believe he is having an affair. He doesn't want joint counseling and he needs to go away to think. I am so sorry but these are very bad signs.

Don't leave the house. You are not doing this he is doing it to you. He has to live with his decisions.

Educate yourself through everyone here. We will get you through this regardless.

thanks to everyone for their words....I need you guys now and I know I'll get thru this. I felt alone and unattractive and so sad...but i feel a little better.

wk, it sounds like your H is having an affair. ALL of the classic signs are there. But, you can't move forward until you find out all the facts.

Knowledge is enormous power in an affair and you must get the facts. I would suggest having him tailed by a P.I. for a couple of day when you think he would be with someone. If you can find out who this person is, it will be much easier for us to guide you into busting up this affair and saving your marriage. There are no guarantees, but the way things are right now, you are headed for divorce.

Do you know any P.I.'s you can call? Can you access his cell phone bills to see who he is talking to? Can you look at your old phone bills at home to see who he is was talking to? How much sleuthing have you done?

Well, sadly this is a bet that I feel very confident that I would win.

Sour... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

P.S. would he be using your home phone or computer to contact someone?

WK,

We feel your pain but you need to find out whether he IS having an affair or not. All the signs are there, but you need to know for sure.

Miker

I did get his cell phone bill and I called the 2 freq called numbers and spoke / asked was he there? like I was looking for him- the one woman that answered I said hi is.....there? she said no - i said well this is his wife and i was looking at the phone bill and noticed this is the number that he called frequently. she said oh he fixes my car but he hasnt been here recently. I said well i just wondered because he called you 2x today. how broke down is your car?/ she didnt say anything just played it off. I said well I wonder are you seeing my husband? If you are I just wanted to know so I can send you his stuff. she said she was not seeing hi,...The next day when my husband went to work- I called him and he was upset- he said people had been calling him and saying that I called them and asked for him-but the one in particular called him AND asked what was going on- he says he hoped her husband didnt get mad after insinuating what I did and calling the house.
right.......that's when he said he needed to go out of town to think things over. he came back and said things had not chaNGED and he still wanted to seperate. He still has not left. He tells me now that he 's not leaving until the finances are settled- right(no timetable)He says all the time that he is helping w/ the kids ( he does financially)
If I try to talk to him about the relationship he says Please leave it alone...or I dont want to talk about it tonight....should I find someone for myself....I feel lonely .....I have asked him to lets go to oa movie or dinner and its always an excuse.

Okay, I would zero in on this woman. I have a guy that fixes my car, and he doesn't call me twice in one day ever. How long were the calls? Sounds like she is lying and trying to cover up for him.

wk, no, you should not go find someone else, you should work harder and smarter to find out who he is having an affair with. Obviously, the OW is not just going to confess to you, so you will have to study these bills to find a pattern. Go back several months and look for a consistent #.

Could he be calling her frm the house? Computer? When do you think he would be meeting with the OW if he is having an affair? Can you have him followed?

Also, did you go online and see his charges when he was in New Orleans "thinking?"

And don't talk to him about your relationship, as you can see it does no good.

Yep.........it smells extrmely fishy. I would however lay low with the Wayward while you investigate. Let him feel "comfortable" while you dig up more information.

That made me LOL.......sorry but it did. No offense to the original poster, but doesn't just reading this clear up how incredibly transparent all of this is.

Sour... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />