Hi Everyone,

I posted this on "in recovery" too.

Just a little back ground info. I am the WS. I had a two night A with a stranger on a cruise 8 and a half years ago. H was told about 1 1/2 ago and we are going through some really tough recovery. He is really struggling with the lie more then the actual A but there are issues with that as well.

All that to say....I was in church yesterday and the lesson was on confessing your sins so you can be free from them. This has been very heavy on my mind and I have been putting some seious thought and prayer into this. My parents know about the A but the rest of my family or my H (Todd 1967)family does not know. My H has not been to church since d-day and I know that people must think less of him becasue they assume that he is having spiritual issues (which he is, just not what they think). It kills me to think that our families and church friends are thinking things that may be incorrect just based off of him not being there.

My question is....Should I confess to the rest of our family and to our church to have this burden of fear lifted and to help "clear" H name? I don't want to live the rest of my life in fear that people will find out and/or have people think less of my H. H is struggling so much with so many things that I don't want him to worry about what others are thinking about him and let him focus on recovering himself and our M.

Here are some pros I have thought of (not in any special order):
1. confessing lifts the guilt out of my life and the fear that people will "find out"
2. gives people and better idea about why H is not going to church (give H a break)
3. explains to H family why some things have happened and explains some of H behaviors to them.
4. maybe open some doors for others to help us recover
5. hopefully will show H that I want this M to work and I will do anything to help him
6. maybe when Recovery is healthy we can help others

Some cons:
1. people will think less of me
2. H family will really back away and judge me
3. H will think I am doing this to help myself and not him

I want our M to be right with God and us to be happy for us and for our 3 children. If you have done this youself or have any thoughts or advice, please help!!!

I would absolutely discuss this with H before any decision was made.

Cruise

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Confess to God. (check)

Confess to your H. (check)

Leave the rest of everyone you know in their peaceful lack of knowledge. It's not anyone's business ... it's OVER NOW!

I don't think any of those are legitimate reasons for exposing to the rest of your family and your church. You have already confessed to the 2 folks who matter here, God and your H. That is all that required. Anything beyond that is needless. It won't make your "soul" feel any better, it will just subject you to needless embarrassment and make you the subject of gossip. It isn't the biblical standard to expose to the church, UNLESS the sin continues, so I don't see why you would adopt an extra-biblical standard that not even God requires.

you don't need to make a public spectacle of yourself to show your H that you want to recover your marriage, one is not contingent upon the other.

I suspect that you feel very guilty still and are wanting to wear a hair shirt in public. That is not neccessary, cruise. You have done everything you were required to do in order to receive God's forgiveness.

God has forgiven you if you have sincerely asked him and have repented. [which I know you have] So why can't that be good enough for you? Why would you demand a higher standard than God, cruise?

see?

I use a sparce number of words saying essentially the same thing ... and Mel? she goes on and on and on blah blah blah ... Texas oral diarrhea?

meybee

smarter=MORE WORDS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Well said Pep

I was the WS too...hats off to you for beginning the long road to recovery. God bless you!

i think it should be up to todd.....

You've confessed to the parties that matter already.
Telling other family members or the whole church I don't think will do you any good.

From reading what you've posted I get the feeling that you haven't forgiven yourself?

I disagree (with those who say you should tell no-one else).

There is a wonderful freedom in living a completely transparent life. Yes, it will cost you something, but the benefits will outweigh the costs.

Trying to look good can make for a lonely life.

-AD

”Is confession good for the soul?”

Yes, I have personally experienced this and I agree with _AD_ that there is great freedom in living a completely transparent life… However, if the FWS want to expose to more people than the BS, it is extremely important who they expose to and to be very cautious with this. It's imporant to only expose to a few people (like family members & friends) who are sincere; who genuinely care about both the FWS and BS and have their best interest at heart.

Cruisegonebad, I understand your need to do this. If you and your H POJA about this and decide to expose to more people, I personally won’t recommend that you expose to any members at your church AT ALL…except if they are intimate and caring friends and/or family members who can be of moral help & support to you and your H during your recovery and who won’t use this to gossip behind your backs and bad mouth you or your H. And you don't have to expose to a bunch of people...only 2 or 3 will be enough. I have confessed only to a few of my caring and trusting female friends and they have been of great moral help & support to me during my recovery. And they are friends who care about my H and M as well. This is very important.

Blessings,
Suzet