my H and I have been married for eight years we have a two year old daughter and we are suffering from marital problems: an A, ?bi-polar? rages, and control issues

I have good reason to suspect that my H may be bi-polar I have done a lot of research on it and talked to doctors about it the problem is that I don't think that I want to stay married to a person with mental issues unless he gets help

I have asked him to get help and been really nice about it and asked him to just talk to someone but he seems to think that there is no problem and I am the crazy one

We have had a good relationship until he had an A with a co-worker and things have been down hill since the A was in 2003 and I found out about it in 2004 actually Jan 1st 2004 we reconciled in June of 2004 and have been back togeather for 13 months

I never noticed any bi-polar tendencies until almost a year ago actually about 10 months ago any research I have done has said that it can take affect in adult hood

I feel he is bi-polar because: he is fine one moment and goes into rages the next where he is verbally and sometimes physically abusive then after being in a rage for an average of a couple of hours it is back to I love you I have asked him to go to C either togeather or seperately it is his choice and to talk to a doctor and find out if he is bi-polar the other issue is that it is a genetic trait and his mother is bi-polar but he refuses any conceling and says he is just fine there is nothing wrong with him

I am affraid of him and fear for our daughter he has never hurt her and generally I try to keep her out of harms way but when he is in a rage I am usually the main target I fear for my life and have told him this I am so affraid that he may go into a rage and be so into the moment he may harm me without even knowing

He has left bruises on me and now I don't know what to do I am at the point that I want to leave but if it is just the bi-polar and he can get it under control maybe we can work things out I am affraid of hurting his feelings but I am concerned about my self and our daughter I can not go on like this

How do I convince him to get help?

If he don't should I leave?

Do you think this is a mental instability?

Please help and give me some advice

Thanks

OK, right off the top, it doesn't matter if he's bipolar, tripolar or anything else. If there's physical abuse, the *ABSOLUTE* top priority is your physical safety and the safety of your daughter.

There's all kinds of things tha tcan be done (if he's serious about working on the relationship, and you are as well), but they *can't* be done, when you're living in fear.

If it's meds he needs, then perhaps he can see a Dr. after you're safe. But safety is the number one concern. Call a womans shelter in your area, or go to some family or do something, but do not stay.

You can always go back after some proper boundaries are established, and changes are made. If something terrible happens, you will *never* forgive yourself. Especially if it happens to your daughter.

Jaye is right. It doesn't matter why he is acting the way he is. The problem is he is abusive and you and your daughter need to be safe. You can go to a safe place while he gets himself together. It doesn't mean you are giving up or divorcing him. It means you are protecting yourself and your daughter until he makes necessary changes ie. going to see a professional and getting therapy/meds.

You shouldn't subject yourself to this life of fear and if you can't see that for yourself then do it for your daughter. You may be able to protect her from being hit (we all hope) but you can't protect her from the damage living in a household of abuse and fear will cause her. She deserves better than this. This will affect her for the rest of her life. Statistically she will become involved in an abusive relationship herself. Stop the cycle. Get her out of there and show her that this is NOT something you put up with. Get her help for the damage already done and show her what a strong woman really does. She removes herself from a situation that is harmful.

Take care of you and your daughter.
Symphony

Dearest Wildwings,

My heart goes out to you, you are in what I know feels like a very insecure and scary position. I do agree with the others about the safety of you and your daughter being first and foremost, so I urge you to take care of that immediately.

If your H is bipolar, no matter how well you feel that you know him, someone with a mental illness is more unpredictable than you may realize. You see, it only takes one little slip up on his part...something that only caused a bruise before may accidentally cause you to fall down the stairs or onto a sharp object this time...what I'm trying to say is that though he wouldn't necessarily mean to do permanent harm to you or your DD and perhaps would regret it later, mental illness clouds judgement in a way that people without one cannot fathom...please make your and your daughter's safety top priority.

That being said, can you give more specific symptoms regarding bipolar disorder? You have given some that have caused "red flags" for me, but I wonder if there is more. The A would fit the pattern, as promiscuity is many times an issue for people with bipolar disorder. Also, something you don't always read in literature is that it is most often inherited through the mother. Of course the rage and abuse would fit, along with the roller coaster way that it goes from up to down. Has he had many sleepless nights? Have their been any unwise or out of character business decisions made? How about grandiose delusions? Or over inflated ego? Spending Sprees? Weight gain or loss? Change in personal hygeine? Has a doctor ever diagnosed him as bipolar?

I have come to know bipolar disorder very well over the years, my father has it and he inherited it from his mother. His symptoms appeared when he was 35 years old and his father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's(an extremely upsetting life event sometimes occurs before bipolar presents itself). I was only 10 years old, and cannot begin to express to you the damage that his illness has done to me personally as well as my mom and brother over the years. I will be glad to give you my email address and/or phone number to answer any questions that I can or provide details of what growing up in a bipolar household does to the children. My mother finally divorced my father after 39 years of marriage and 25 years of his refusing treatment for his mental illness(pretty common place for bipolars) last August. When she did, that divorce became the catalyst for my father to finally seek professional help, he has been on meds for just over a year now and is doing as well as can be expected for a 60 year old man who has mistreated his body so much over the years. I often wonder how my life may have been different if only my mom had taken action years ago...would I have been able to grow up as "Daddy's Little Girl" as I always wanted to, etc.??? I'll never know...but you owe it to yourself and your daughter not to live with an unmedicated mentally ill person...it's not safe(even when he's not cycling-he is still a person with a mental illness one that is accompanied by major impulse control issues-if you get a diagnosis, that is) and it is an extremely high anxiety environment for you guys to live in as well...always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Please feel free to ask any questions or vent any frustrations about this to me, but most importantly I can't stress enough, please insure the safety of yourself and DD. Counseling is also imperative for you, it will give you the tools to set boundaries with your H...if he's bipolar, you'll need these skills bigtime...also, when you call a counseling center, you want to ask for someone that has a lot of experience with working with people with bipolar disorder. This will serve two purposes, 1)it will save time, as you won't have to explain why he did some of the off the wall things that people with bipolar often do and 2) the counselor will understand the cunning way in which a bipolar operates and will be better equipped at helping you to understand and deal with them if you so choose...etc. I will be praying for your family.

I know exactly how you are feeling. It is scary and very sad. You need to call the police. He should not get away with this. You both need counseling. I know it is very hard. I have been in an abusive relationship for 7 years. In june my husband was arrested. But I actually for the first time in seven years feel safe. You need to think about the effect this is having on your daughter. I have two children age 6 and 2. They have been effected badly. My son is getting counseling but I don't know if he is ever going to get over this. You also need to think about him hurting your daughter. What if she got in the middle and got injured. Please protect your daughter and yourself. I know it is easier said than done but, you deserve to live your life in peace. Just because you move out dosen't mean you need to get a divorce. Mabye he can change. God bless you. You will be in my prayers.

Wildwings,
I read your post and have to ask you if you've done any research on BPD-Borderline Personality Disorder? I divorced my husband, unfortunately, because of this, however I didn't have a "diagnosis", I'm convinced it's what he suffered from. There is a book called "I hate you, don't leave me", that is a good reference in helping others with loved ones with BPD. One of the traits of this illness is their refusal to get help and thinking that it's everyone else, and being a victim. It's a crazy life to lead and any help that he would get would take YEARS, even to convince him that he has a problem. It's very scary and all the behaviors that you have outlined here remind me of what I lived through. You walk around feeling crazy and what you did wrong, when it isn't you at all!
No matter what, if it's BPD or Bi Polar, you and your daughter have to come first. Get yourself into a C and find out what you can do, but don't wait. The behavior is unpredictable and explosive and there is nothing you can do to change or stop it.
I remember one time one our way to church my H looked at me and said he didn't know why *I* was going to church, because I was a horrible Christian. I was dumbfounded and told him that wasn't for him to decide. We came out of church (with nothing else being said) and he told me how much he loved me and couldn't imagine life without me. SCARY!! I walked around in a state of confusion the entire marriage. Another trait was there was no reasoning at all, he was just "set" on how/what he felt and that's the way it was. So, protect you and your girl. You need each other. Either way, it's affecting you both more than you know and you need to remove yourself from that situation.
My heart goes out to you...please keep us updated!
I'll be thinking about you...