background:
high school sweethearts
m 10 years + 2 years of off/on
xh got ow june 2003
first child born july 2003
xh moved out august 2003
had enough of the family of four July 2004
Divorce final July 11, 2005

anyway, my question is how do you handle weekend visitation. When it is time for our son to go spend the weekend with xh & ow I get so angry by the pickup time. I know it is good for son to be with xh but I have this terrible feeling in my stomach. I am not sure how to explain what I am feeling. Sometimes I think it is a good thing because I get a weekend to myself. And way down deep in my heart I know it is good for son to see xh. But I hate that they are getting to have the family thing instead of me. That family thing is mine. We decided to have the child after 10 years of marriage and I didn't even get to enjoy being a family.

I guess after writing all of this, I realize I am just feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks for listening.
J

[color:"blue"]R&J,

I think the feeling in the pit of your stomach is anxiety.

It may be comforting to know that a child visiting will interrupt their little lovenest/lovefest a bit. And it gives you a much needed break from being a single mom.

Perhaps planning fun weekend things on YOUR weekend with the kids will help you to feel more like you are doing family things and enjoying them rather than envying your ex and the OW for having a little make believe family.

Best wishes,

V.[/color]

R & J....
Oh my your situation sounds just like mine. I married my HS sweetheart when I was 21 and we had 2 kids and at 25 he left me for OW. HE lives in another state, so I didn't havr the weekend thing, but when he would come to see our sons and I knew he had the OW with him it was very, very hard, but I found a way to deal with it. I use the "kill them with kindness" plan.

It has been almost 5 years since the divorce and it is still working. I am the better person, and I don't say or act mean to them or say anything bad about them to my kids, my family has gotten a ear full now and then, but they understand.

My ex and I have a good relationship now, but it took work and a few tears on my part. I consider him a friend, I still get angry and hurt by what he did and has done to our family, but I am a better and stronger person because of it. BTW he has a daughter with the OW, though they have still not married.....

I hope sme of what I said helps, and trust me it gets easier. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Me, I just worry. I worry about the kitchen ceiling that appears to be caving in. And then, the little one believes that two days a week are enough time with daddy. We do two days a week and every other weekend.

I think some of that pit is sending your little little ones out into the world without you being there to care for them. Even if they are in daycare during the week, if you don't like the daycare, you can change it. If you don't like something your X does, you have little recourse.

Child visitation is an act of faith. Basically, you have to trust a man who has given you reason not to trust him. That's hard, but it will get easier.

Thanks for all of your thoughts. I'm glad to hear it does get better. At the beginning, I tried the kill them with kindess now I just can't stand it. I feel so helpless when I see XH and OW. I know for a fact I don't want xh and ow deserves a man that leaves his wife and child.

Sometimes I do get to have the last laugh. A few Saturdays ago, OW drove by my house. I assumed she was looking for XH. It turns out OW was looking for XH, he was out and about riding his motorbike. I guess she can't trust him to go off without her. The last laugh doesn't happen much but I do enjoy it when it does.

Thanks again for all of your post. Do you have any other suggestions that I can use to sooth those child exchanges?

J

In the beginnig we would meet in a publis place, that way the chance of a huge blow-up was lessened or I would dropp them off at his mom's and then he would go and pick them up/ I am still very close to his family and that also drives the OW nuts....

If ys wanna email me you can.....

I know I will be feeling this same way in a month or so. As soon as my DV is final my STNX is going to introduce his OW to my son. I don't even know how I will handle it. I'm afraid I will lose it. I don't even know how to begin to deal with that. My heart goes out to you...

Thanks again for all the support.

Familyof3: Thanks for your help. At first we would meet at my moms. Now XH (OW) wants to meet at the police station. This coming weekend is XH's. The meeting location is fine with me. I know one day I will have to explain to son why we meet at the police station, but it's okay. I hope the drop off goes good. I just get so angry at XH.

Thanks again.
J

Sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. You made a comment about your husband having the family that was meant for you. I divorced over 4 years ago and remarried about 9 months ago. There was no confirmed although suspected affairs in with my wife, but I felt the same way you did about taking away the family. It does get better. Although your ex does have another woman, he does not have a family.

From a dad's perspective, having your kids every other weekend is much more difficult than people realize. There are numerous research papers that say it much harder on the dads than the mom, but it isn't widely known because men internalize these feelings. Every other weekend when you get the kids, its like starting over every time. The first evening is catch-up with what's going on with the kids, the kids are adjusting to the new envirnoment. The second day you do something with them and then the last day everyone is anxious about going home again. You have time to establish that feeling of family.

I would suggest that for your kids sake, you try to make exchange as pleasant as possible. If its tough on you, think how hard is on the kids. At least you understand the issues and may have had some control in the decisions you made, they didn't.

We meet in a public place also, because XH moved 2 hours away and we meet halfway. I really do not speak to him, which is my strategy. I help put the backpacks in the car, give the kids very HAPPY hugs and kisses, confirm meeting time for pick-up, wave and SMILE and drive away. That's it.

It still hurts. And I chose long ago not to engage in any negative interacttions with him. So, I just avoid speaking to him at all unless necessary. Yes, he tries to be my best friend all the time, and attempts pleasant chit chat, but unless he asks a question which i need to answer, I pretty much ignore anything he says and focus on getting the kids situated and ready to go.

cm

My ex moved four hours away and wanted me to drive halfway to exchange. He left a good job and an offer to have 6 nights out of 14 for parenting time.

I refused to share the commute because i thought it would be he!! for the kids to endure 8 hours every other weekend in a car because he chose to move and be near his girlfriend.

Why did your ex move?

My EX lives in CA and I live in AZ (our original home state). They are old enough now to fly alone (cringe) so they do that or he drives down to get them. I have dropped them off once in CA, but we had been on vacation and I was headed home and it was on the way. He pays for the plane tickets or sometimes him parents buy them, not me.....

My H moved to be close to his girlfriend and his work. I am required to meet him halfway. And yes, it does suck that every other weekend I spend 4 hours in the car, but I have no choice.

cm