Thanks for your reply Camo.

We are 18 months past D-day, three years past the A. I have told him everything, I have even written a detailed diagram of dates and places and I have physically shown him places and answered every question he has asked. He did not catch me--I came forward with the truth when he asked.

I am totally transparent, as we spend almost all of our time together. I don't think he thinks I am having an affair. But I know that something in him has changed. Its almost like his Zest for life has dissipated. He doesn't feel the same about feeling love, I think.

I have told him how I feel. But my words don't have any REAL value now that I have lied. He wants to believe what I say--but he believed me before--when I was lying and look where that got him. Do you see what I mean? I can say sorry that I am sad that I love him etc.but --it doesn't take it back. It doesn't mean anything to be sorry. The damage is done.

I dont mean to be totally negative--just realistic. He wanted something that he will never have now. He wanted a true mate he could trust for life. He gave me that and I destroyed it.

We, of course, can build a loving healthier marriage--but it still won't be what it could have been for him. Its accepting that painful reality that is hard for both of us.

Ahuman, what you describe in your H is exactly the way I feel, and I suspect it's quite normal for a lot of BS's to feel that way. We did lose something--an ideal. A dream. A reality we can never have back. The zest for life may not totally be gone, but there's a cynicism there that wasn't before.

I've been doing really well thinking in analogies lately, let me share another one with you. When someone finds out they're a diabetic, they have to give up certain things--namely "white" carbohydrates--refined sugars, flour, potatoes, pasta, the like. Anyway, having been a gestational diabetic-turned "true" diabetic, I know how uncomfortable the first few weeks and months without all the foods we come to love can be. The cravings are devastatingly strong and you feel like you have been sentenced to give up far too much. Then you find Splenda. (*not a shameless plug, it's an analogy, folks!*) You learn that you can sweeten your coffee, you can bake with the stuff, you can even have a marble chocolate cheesecake! Is it the same? NO WAY!!! You still know in your heart that it's sugar free and you're a diabetic doomed to suffer through the rest of your life with fake sugar, but you learn to love it because it's what you CAN have.

My husband had an affair. Is that a death sentence for my marriage? No, I just have to learn to live with what I CAN have. His love to me now isn't fake sugar--it's the real thing. Would I prefer to have PURE love, unadulterated? Of course I would. But that's not my reality anymore, and I'll learn to live with and love what I have now.

Oddly enough my reaction to my husband after he told me he was sorry for the pain his A caused me was not too unlike the reaction I had to my doctor telling me I was diabetic. I told them both, "Don't say you're sorry, just fix it." Well, I finally woke up and realized that nobody can fix anything. Life just IS. We learn and we go on.

You're doing well, Ahuman. Give him time, give him all the love you can, and give him the real sugar. He'll learn to see that "sweet" is in the eye of the beholder.

Camo-Is your story on the boards so I can read?
I'm trying to rescue my lost wife from OM and could use all possible help I can find.
For me D-day was 9/6/05. Her affair started 3/10/05. We are on the brink of divorce. My post is (wife wants to leave me for other man)
thanks
dazednconfusedks

dazed, I'm not really sure I've ever done a "my story" thread, just basically given pieces of it here and there. If you look up my old posts you'll see all sorts of ups and downs, the good and the bad. I'm not sure my situation would help you, but I'll do what I can.

Will have to read up on your story tomorrow, it's bedtime here in Germany! I'll pray for ya though!

I am a realist. Some people confuse that with pessimist, but there is a difference. A realist looks at both sides and is neither overly optimist, although they hope for the best, nor overly pessismistic, although they try to determine worst case scenario. I have leaned more towards the negative side since my H's affair and spend far more time on worst case scenarios before I even begin to think about the best possible outcome. I am much more cyncial and far less trusting of people I have known for a long or short time (doesn't matter). Weddings no longer make me cry. I don't believe that marriage means much to many, it is more disposable. I believe that most people will lie and cheat if they can get away with it. I now know what people mean when they say their lives have been devastated.

In spite of that I am a survivor and have survived many horrible events in my life: my parents were verbally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive (my mom is bipolar - in fact do you remember the mother in Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood?), I watched my first best friend as she was hit by car and killed in front of me, I was date raped, and I was betrayed by my best friend and my first boyfriend. We have all had horrible experiences in life and survived them, learned from them, and moved on. They have shaped and molded our lives and personality. I believe I am more compassionate than most people because of my life history, but I have also acted out in inappropriate ways before learning to cope in healthy ways. Somewhere along the way I have learned to forgive the people that have hurt me in the past, but thinking about things can certainly dredge up painful memories. No one will ever convince me that these events were somehow "good" for me, but I have learned lessons from them all and have chosen to move forward in spite of them.

I know deep down that my H will never entirely "get" my pain because of his betrayal and the effects it has had on my life simply because it has not happened to him. His trust was not abused by me and I didn't reject him or our wedding vows in such a profound way. In the same way I could never understand the loss of a child, a brutal rape from a stranger, or sexual abuse. I just can't, but I have compassion towards those that have been through those things. I think that is what a WS means when they say they understand our pain sometimes and get impatient when the BS does not move forward more quickly. It is because they truly cannot understand a pain they have never felt before. I don't even believe that a WS who became a BS second can understand that initial world shattering pain of a BS when they have just realized that the one they loved and trusted most in the world has rejected them and betrayed them for another. It just cannot happen........

How my wh's A Has changed me. Sometimes I feel like my heart is dead. I really don't feel as if I can trust a man again. This is a second marriage and a second cheater. What does that say about my tract record. Not very good. I feel cheated out of my life. By a man who has done nothing but increase the hurt he has done to me. He continues to lie and do things that he knows will make me angry or hurt me.

He refused to work on the marrige has choosen to move in with OW and act like a fool. So after a few months my plan B is in full effect. I feel the distance and sometimes I feel him trying to break my resolve. Hasn't quite gotten no contact yet. I hate not being able to talk to him. Just to here his voice but he is not my husband and never will be again as long as he continues