Hi,
I have posted here before.
Well you all were right and I didn't listen. My ws started her affair 6 weeks ago. she promised me that contact had been stopped( NC letter and phone call). (I caught her after 1 week) I convinced myself that I caught it early enough and it had stopped.I started plan A, EN ect.., but of course it didn't have any effect after 4 weeks and I knew something was wrong.The fog had not lifted even a little bit.
she recently (Sunday) moved down the street to her sisters house to supposedly think.She didn't show up the first night she was supposed to stay there. I called her and all the sisters (6 of them) to let them know she had dissappeared.They were all very upset. These folkes are very close to me and I know that they avoid conflict a lot.None of them wanted to tell her how she was hurting them.She has been keeping them in the dark about the A. they knew ,but not any real details and they like myself, thought she had stopped.
I took her upstairs when she showed up yesterday at her sisters place and we talked for an hour.She confirmed that the A was still going on. she sees om on Sundays because that's when he can avoid his live in girlfriend. She also let me know that she is happy around him and not around me."He worships me" she says. I replied by saying "I have said a million times,You are the most important thing in the world to me. I want to grow old with you, I want to be buried next to you". How much more worship do you need. Do you really think you will get that from a guy who is cheating on his girlfriend to be with another mans wife".I know I am not supposed to do this, but I had to let my feelings out. I just have such a hard time suppressing them and why should I? Well nothing got through of course. I went downstairs and convinced her sisters that they needed to expose her more on the A and it's effects on our family.
They Agreed and the exposure began. she of course was defensive and said to me that "this is not helping".after awhile the defenses dropped a bit and everyone said how they feel.
I informed my ws that the A had to stop if we were going to work on our marriage.She agreed but also admitted that she wanted to see where her relationship with om would go.She doesn't see how she can give up a relationship with om that makes her happy to work on ours.This to me is laughable. The om has a live in girlfriend that he is to cowardly to tell he is unhappy. My ws is also unhappy and they are using eachother. Everyone sees this but her. It's so damn frustrating.I am not perfect,but I have been a good husband (just not the best I can be and I am trying 100% to change that).
The conversation ended with her hearing that I can't stay in the marriage if the A continues.Also, she said that she doesn't want to give up on us. But will the A end? I don't want a divorce, but how long do I wait for her? We have been together for 13 years and she can't see that is more important than an escape in a flase relationship with a guy thatshe just met.
I am so angry and hurt right now.The longer the A goes on the more respect I lose for her and it makes it more difficult to even want to try.
I don't know what to do now. please help my friends.

Sorry this happened. Your next move is to expose the affair to the live-in girlfriend. You can even mention to her that Sunday is the day of choice. She must be busy Sundays.

Once she knows what is going on, it is likely to end. If OM was so unhappy with her, he wouldn't worry about her finding out.

Agree with Believer ... expose to OM's girlfriend.

Know what?

When you expose to her ... you may find out ways OM is also lying to your wife (this often happends)

Call the girlfriend TODAY, kdh. That is your best weapon. Let any key friedds or family members know of the ongoing affair.

Where does the OM work? Do they work together?

I don't have her #. All I have is his cell#. It's not like my ww is going to give it to me. She hid the fact that he had a girlfriend all this time.They go to hotels and on dates away from his house. I tried to look up his address, but nothing.All I have is a cell# and a city. I did a search,but nothing. I have wanted to tell her ever since I found out he had a girlfriend (2 days ago). any advice for how to find the info. I need to get in touch with her?

No they don't work together. He works in SanFrancisco.
I only have his cell#. I don't know how to get in touch with his girlfreind. any suggestions?

Can you look up his phone # in the phone book and get his home ph and address?

You can try zabasearch.com. It is free and usually gives addresses and phone numbers - that is if you know his name.

kdh,

If she is calling him, one can find out where the cell phone is registered. You could use a PI to find out the location of the girl friend. Or you could follow him in rental car and find out where he lives. I think a PI would be a good start.

The PI will be a lot less than a divorce and so will counseling.

God Bless,

JL

Does counseling really work when the A is still going on? it seems like if she is lying to all her family and friends why would she be truthful with a counselor? This all starting to seem like it's more trouble than it's worth. Everyday I lose more respect for her. it's been 14 years, but I have a full life ahead of me. At first it seemed crazy to throw that away, but now, after all this crap she is putting me trough.I just don't know if I can meet her EN now or if i even want to.I may be moving over to the divorce column soon.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time right now. You need to first concentrate on exposing this affair to the OM's GF and anyone else you can think of.

It's been 5 weeks. the affair is fully exposed to everyone except his girfriend.
I am just tired right now.I am lacking the energy to fight for the marriage anymore.She has beaten it out of me.At first it seemed worth it,but the continual cheating just took that thought away from me. I feel more compeled to fight for me now and my well being.. I deserve better than this. I have lost so much respect for this woman i just can't see getting it back. It's like a light went on after the depression and anger susided a bit. Is this really worth it? she will probably cheat again anyway. do I want to spend the rest of my life with this new decitful person I can never trust again? the answers keep coming back, NO!!! I can't live this lie anymore. I am an honest person and I just can't be around people I don't trust at all.Even if she does commit 100% to saving the marriage I will by that time have given up on her. I'm just about there now.

Well, reading your post above spells to me that you NEED to go to a PLAN B soon. You can't expect to hang on like this and not start to lose any semblance of love and respect for your wife. You will soon start to hate her if you keep going on like this. You can't change her, and you can't control her, but YOU CAN change the way you ACT when she continues to do this $hit to you and your marriage. If you still want the marriage, I would seriously get ready to do a PLAN B soon. You seem like you are riding on fumes here.

Sour.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That's probably the most critical exposure, kdh. You need to expose the affair FIRST and try to end it before you even think about Plan B. You are miles away from that.

OK, Mel, good point, but in the mean time what does he do with all of the hatred and disrespct he continues to build up against his wife. Please don't say well it "is an alien who is doing it" or something like that. He no doubt has to EXPOSE to EVERYONE now, but if he TRULY feels the way he does as he states in his post, do you think he has "miles" left in the tank before Plan B.

lm, if he goes into Plan B right now, he is doomed because it will just be a RELIEF for her. She is extremely detached from him right now and he needs to do some more work on that before he goes dark. Otherwise, he will just be throwing her into the arms of the OM.

Instead, he needs to buck up and work some more on busting up the affair and attracting her back. He can't afford to waller in self pity while there is a war going. Maybe later.

OK well, I do tend to agree with you here, but I still do not believe that he is "miles" away from a Plan B, just for his own sanity.....yeah, I concede this may come at the cost of his marriage...but to ***ME*** I can defenitely see where he is coming from. You are right though (anohter bigh sigh!!!) , the whole talk of PLan B should be moot untill he has used all of the PLAN A exposure tactics.

SOur...

Ok let me clarify here. The affair has been exposed for 5 weeks.Her family that she is very close to know as do mine. she has six sisters all of which tell me and confront her when she screws up. I have been plan Aing to death here, nothing. She was supposed to go to her sisters house and have no contact with me so she could think, without the pressure of our environment.The first night she was supposed to show up there she didn't.This was the night before our 7th anniversary. the sisters called me and told me everything.She called and thought I didn't know she went to see om. expecting me to ask her out for our anniversary. the nerve.
we had a family meeting and laid everything out on the line.

My stance was clear. the affair ends or our marriage is over, period.I am not going to wait around for her to stop seeing the om.If that is plan B, screw that. I can do better on my own. I have my own business, I'm honest, I am in good shape. I can do better. As I said the light came on.
I won't hate her, I just don't hate myself enough to wait for her suffering while she is experimenting with the single life.In fact I feel sorry for her because she has no plan for life without me. she stated that she wanted to see where her relationship with om would go before deciding to break it off.Lets see the om has a girlfriend and she has a husband and family that don't approve.I wonder where that will lead.DUH. Oh and I am supposed to wait. Uh UH.

kdh, no one could blame you if you decided to move on without her. You are not obligated to take her back. I understand your disgust and anger.

But, please consider something first. Your anger will not last forever, but divorce will. The anger is not permanent, divorce is. Your marriage most likely can be saved and turned into a better marriage than before. IF you want to save it.

I would suggest that you make no decisions while you are this furious, kdh.

KDH,

It is scary to see your initials. Those initials are close to OWs Xh. Except his was KjH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> That OW lived in Hayward .

Listen, there is a good MBer out your way. His user name is RedHat. He maybe able to give you closer support. Let us know if you need us to contact him. I have his cell. He is on the Penninsula side of the bay.

take care,
L.