I found out today that my WS and the other M are still communicating, although she claims it’s strictly business and the email I found kind of confirms that except the closing says “Look forward to hearing you soon.”

When I confronted her, it was all about me snooping not trusting and violating her? She said that know she doesn’t know what tomorrow is going to bring and may want a divorce, this is the first time the D word has been brought up. She went on to say that I ruined everything I have done over the last month and she will not repeat the last month under any circumstances. She told me she deserves a happy life and this is going to make her life hell.

I reminded her that she promised me that when ever they have contact she would let me know; her reply was I only said that because that’s what you wanted not what I wanted! I guess its ok to lie if you only agree to tell the truth to make the other person happy?

I feel like we made so much progress this month and now we are starting all over! What should I do next?

HELP, HELP, HELP....

DO I just give things time? Talk? If talk about what?
Plan B, which if enacted would mean D?

I think I need to stay on plan A, but I’m very hurt and confused.

My husband has use the same old game with me,
of getting upset with me for not trusting him,
if she really loves you and wants things to work between you 2 then she will let you know anytime she contacts the men, and in fact should show you the letters everytime,
thats what I would do, if my husband thought I was still trying to have a affair, I would go out of my way to make sure he knew I was not having a affair,I would not get angery and say ÿou dont trust me",
ask her if she really wants a divorce.
Love Lisa

Thanks Lisa,

I think she expects me to treat her like I always have, but now I don't trust her. And because of that my WS says she would rather have a D, than live a life where I check-up on everything. I told her that we should be completely honest, which she turns on me and says are you being honest? I’m in a catch22 and don’t know what to do?

tell her that after adultry like this the trust is broken,
and it takes alot of time and effort to build the trust again, trust is not something that just comes instantly it must be built.
so sorry to hear that she says she would rather get a divorce,
if my husband wanted a divorce I would give it to him,
its not fair to force someone to be married to you.
and the building trust needs to be both parteners working
at it not just the one.
Love Lisa

She doesn’t want a divorce or we would be split already, she’s confused and when confronted she attacks with what hurts...unfortunately I’m hurting too and sometimes not sure what to do…I even think of leaving, but from every thing I read, leave that for your last option. She’s a wonderful person and we have had a wonderful life, but now we have all of these problems that contain a lot of pain. I think we both love the other enough to know that if we where the soul source of there pain, we would leave…Which is why I think she is having such a hard time cooping. Up until now I have been trying to help and shield her from some of her pain. I need to find a way of being supportive and provide the LB and not shield her from some of the pain she needs. Just when I think there is light at the end of the tunnel another dark cloud appears. How long before the sun come out?

Maybe I was Wrong? I want to Scream! She turns everything into my fault and is treating me rather poorly. Things are going to hell!

Help?

HLR,

Leave her alone for awhile; let her think about how she changed your life. In the mean time go out with some friends and have some fun. After she has thought about what she has done and she is willing to discuss next steps…Have a heart to heart about where you marriage is going>

HLR,

Not sure if this could be considered "advice" but I've been working through similar issues and have some observations.

First, a brief summary: My W has been in a relationship with a co-worker for over a year. Not just a coworker but her supervisor. (I'll make a new post for my own story.) Both she and he are critical to the company so managment just looks the other way. She denied to me what was obvious until recently. She claims they're not *really* having an affair, althougth she admits to kissing him and being in love with him. Essentially, at face value its an emotional affiar. She will not terminate the relationship or the job for a number of reasons, not the least of which is financial. They spend a *lot* of time together, both working and socially, including "business" trips overseas which where half work and half play. She tells me she's not in love with me but, for the sake of kids and financial security, she wants to stay married as long as I can accept an "untraditional" marriage and not make a fuss about anything she does. She'd like us to be "just friends".

Ok, so why am I still here? We'll there's kids and there's money. But more than that I'm very much in love with her. I've read much of Harley's books and, after a lot of conflict over the past year, am now giving my best shot at "Plan A". Here's my observations. They may or may not apply to you:

A) If I think about being wronged or am otherwise judgemental, it doesn't help. It just makes me unhappy about her. The operative words there are "me unhappy".

B) If I actually *do* something that causes her to feel unhappy, somehow I end up even more unhappy.

C) As I come to "happily" accept who she is, avoid conflict and see things her way, she's happier and I'm happier...and something remarkable happens: We enjoy the time we are together and she becomes more interested in caring for me.

D) This is a game of survival rather than of right and wrong. She knows that a long-term-relationship with him (he's married, too) would never work but isn't so sure that she wouldn't simply be better off single and free. To "win", both she and I need to see the marriage as a desirable thing. Ultimately, that means we need to be in love with each other. That won't happen by my demanding it. Rather, it will only happen for her over time as I meet her emotional needs and, above all, avoid the LBs.

E) Over time, I've gained strength and found some degree of peace and happiness in finding that, somewhere inside, there is an ability to do this, to focus on her needs rather than mine, and in finding that it works, if just a little bit at this point. Every positive step is encouraging.

F) "F" as in finally. I'm not sure if the marriage can or should be saved. I'm giving it my best shot. But I do know this: I can and will be happy.

Good luck. Good things happen to happy people.

In2Deep,

I would like to hear more maybe we can help each other? You should update your BIO with D-Day and write some of your questions in a Post. Good Luck, I'll check this posting if you have more comments.

I'm still trying to figure out Plan A/Plan B. D-Day was actually a bit of a relief. After a year of an obvious EA, in which W said repeatedly "NO! I'm not in love with him, we're just friends!" and "NO! I'm not having an affair!" or "Nothing happened" I thought I was going crazy. I wanted to believe everything was on the up-and-up but the signs all said different. Then, one night about a month ago (7/12/05?) she didn't come home from work until 5am. I (rather calmly) confronted her and she told me what was happening. Seems that OM wanted to cut things of at that point and she was depressed about it. (He's since changed his mind about that.) Strangely, I was very relieved to have it out on the table. I felt, "Oh, I'm not crazy. This is just an ordinary, somewhat predictable affair."

Over the last year I did plenty of LBing on my own. It was driving a wedge. I knew this was a problem but found that, as hard as I tried, there would inevitibly be something, typically some "little" thing, that would lead me to anger. That was simply driving us further apart. After D-Day I've been cooler. W hasn't wanted to divorce... due to kids and $$. But a couple of weeks ago she changed her mind and thought we should proceed to separate... because it was (she said) the "right thing to do". I guess I surprised her when I agreed and didn't argue. I said I was sad about that but that she was right. She wanted to be friends and I did to. The next few days we were very friendly. As we thought about the reality of divorce, though, we both realized that it was going to be a pain. She agreed to stay together as long as I didn't give her any "crap" about seeing OM. I said I could go along with that as long as there was no sex and she agreed she could agree to that. (Don't know if that's realistic... but, in truth, it doesn't matter.)

So, we're proceeding with "Plan A". I've plenty of doubt and have been finding the posts and other material on MB helpful. I don't see her cutting things off any time soon. This could be a long haul. But I think its best not to make as an important decision as divorce based on what you *think* will happen in the future. Rather, I'm taking it a day at a time.

There's a concern that by going along I'm being a doormat and will loose her respect. I think the key question, though, is do I respect myself. And the answer to that is yes. You see, I'm not really "going along" and saying that what she is doing is ok. What I am doing is saying, honestly and without anger, that I'm unhappy about what she's doing but behaving toward her in a way that she knows that I care for her feelings and respecting her judgements.

I don't know what to do about Plan B, though. How long should I wait? How is it possible to execute plan B without hurting the kids terribly? I don't know. But right now, I just focus on "A".

Hope this helps.

In2Deep,

I'm not much help on plan B, but their are plenty of people here that can help as when you should go to plan B. If you’re looking for an MC, I would ask the question of the MC about Dr. Harley's theories, I would want someone that both knows of them and respects them. I would continue on plan A and try and get you wife to go on a date with you, out for dinner. Treat her special and just have a good time, it remind her of what you both had together.

As for your wife’s former lover, did she not say the A was over? If so that’s great, at the right moment if things are going well, tell your wife, “It’s a shame it came to this, I guess when you now your going to lose\leave someone you really find out how you feel about them. I would be welling to spend the next couple of weeks working on our marriage and not make a rash decision. I do know one thing; I’m still in Love with you!”

Hope it helps, by the way plan B from what I know is all about timing and you must get your wife to feel you love before you remove it by moving out! So get some good advice before implementing it.

Good luck,