Hi,

I guess i am using this post as a kind of catharsis. 4 months ago My wife of 4 years, lover for 6 years and friend for 15 years left me. I am a wreck. She is everything to me. We were married in a eastern European Castle, honeymooned in the Rift Valley and the Seychelles, I worked until she finished her degree (mature student) and headed off into the big wide world. At the time i was burnt out in London and wanted to live and work in the big wide world – so did she, my W is an anthropologist and runs large language schools and i am a computer engineer, so in theory living happily ever after anywhere we wanted was a posiblility.

To be honest to myself, all was not always rosy, i don't get on with her family and even had a row with the inlaws on the wedding day. In fact we tend to clash everytime we meet. I also have a drinking problem, I dont drink every day, or even lots every week, but sometimes when i am stressed, having not eaten and drunk to much i lose the plot and drink until i lose it. Other than that we loved each other so much, everybody said how much they admired our love for each other.

Anyway off to Central China we went, My W got a job running a school and i was going to take some time off to study PHP/SQL from home. China was very hard work problems arose my W resented that i was not working, even though i had supported her through her schooling. What also did not help was that i fell out with her Boss at a social event and had a big argument. I started to get work with my coding and we spent a year seeing all the big cities in Asia. Had a huge row with the inlaws when they came and visited. I guess i should explain a little. My father in law is a patriachal Mason and i cannot stand telling me what to do and putting down all of my efforts.

Another problem that happened in China was with a prostitute, in one of my drunken binges ended up passed out on the floor of a massage parlour, nothing happened (that i can remember) but it was a serious F%^& up. I told my wife and it hit her really hard. She is convinced that i went with a prostitute i am convinced that i did not.

Anyway we decided that a change of scenery was needed and that i should get a job outside of China. I landed a job in the caribbean and thinks started to look rosy. We arrived on the island, it is stunning, with some of the best beaches in the world but it is very small and absolutly nothing for my wife to stimulate her great mind. In the meantin i am running around the carribean on speed boats and airplanes fixing and mending networks having a whale of time.
That was until my boss shafted me on my wages and tried to get me kicked out of the country. I refused to Kowtow and went to the authorities who accepted my petition for an employment tribunal. He turned off the electricity in the house we were in, we had no money and nowhere to live, we found a house sit and started to struggle to get sorted whilst the tribunal case went ahead. During that time i got drunk and lost it again, we had a huge argument and i emotionally laid into my wife. Security came and kicked me out of the house sit. The next day my W informed me that she was leaving and wanted a Divorce.

She left on a flight back to the UK the next day and arranged to have my bags delivered to me. When my bags arrived my passport was missing (not her fault – it was stolen).

That was four months ago,

She got a high powered job in London, got to go shopping and hang out with friends and family, everything that she had missed in the last 2 years. I have been steadily going down hill trying to keep my life in some semblance of order, the tribunal still has not been completed (7 months) my passport has not been returned from the UK (3 months).

We have spoken briefly on the phone and have emailed, but the other day she left her job ( she was being worked like a dog) she emailed me saying “i need space i am close to the edge” that was it.

She is the complete love of my life and i so want to sort out our marriage, i cry every day and check my email, i cant fly to see her as i have no passport, i don't know if i should get a job in london to be near her, i just have a fear that she will get a job somewhere else in the world.

Please help with great words of wisdom and loving support, i pray everyday that we can work through this and live happily everafter.

I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say that there are other people here that have gone through similiar situations and will hopefully come and help you. Hang in there. At least you found MB....that's a great first step!!!
I wish you the best!

(((PL)))

Welcome to MB'rs and sorry that you find yourself here. Like Tree I don't have a lot of advise but do recommend that you start using this time to read up on the Basic Concepts on this site.

I did notice that you've had several problems stemming from alcohol, that's a problem that is easy to fix, QUIT drinking.....PERIOD.

How was y'alls communication? More specifically, how would she say you communicated? As I read through your post, I can't help but to think there is some room for growth in that arena. Like most here, I truly want to help, so please don't take this as an insult, it's just an observation based on my reading of your words. In your post, I hear you casting blame on other people or things for most of your problems and simply making excuses for poor behaviors. That ain't kosher and if you use that style in any type of conflict resolution then major issues will arise.

Welcome. I have no words of wisdom. Sorry.

However, there is hope.

First off, what are you doing now? Are you doing some sort of work while awaiting the tribunal? It's not healthy to be stuck without anything to think about besides your separation.

Second, can you tell us more about your arguments with the in-laws? What about the one with your wife's boss in China? Why did your recent boss not pay you? I'd like to hear more because it sounds as if you may have an anger control problem.

Have you stopped drinking?

See, you can't control your wife. Heck, you can't even get out of the Carribean. You can only control yourself. Therefore, the best way to win your wife back is to change your own behavior.

Read the site here. If you can, get the books. If you can't, just read the Basic Concepts and the Letters over and over again. Dr. Harley put all the pertinent information on the web site. The books just repeat it with more indepth examples and more detailed logic.

From what you've written, LoveBusters have been a problem.
LoveBusters are actions which drain love. Your actions draining your wife's love for you.

Angry Outbursts are big LBs.
Annoying Habits are more insideous, small but recurring frequently.

I'm not sure whether bickering with her family and boss falls into outbursts or annoying habits, but it's one of them.

The incidental binge drinking is another annoying habit.

Both have to stop immediately. Period. End of discussion.

It also sounds like financial support is one of her Emotional Needs. This is touchy for men in the same way Attractive Spouse is touchy is touchy for women. It gets to our value. Logically, your wife may have realized you deserved some time away from work to study, just the way she did. Unfortunately, logic has nothing to do with emotional needs. When you weren't working, she probably felt less cared for, less loved. Again, logic does not apply to emotions.

Wow, Thanks for the great feedback. I have been on the site all day long reading and deciphering all of the abbrevievations.

i know that the drinking has caused problems i drink about 5-10 beers a week in a normal week. Its only when i get stressed and screwed up that i dont stop and i screw up my life even more. I am not at AA but i am clean 2 months - not that it is making my life any better.

I am working not as much as i would like due to visa and permit restrictions.

I have read the basic concepts and have started the letters and think that they are great and will be a real help. I recognise the LB aspects of my personality. And recognise that drinking and angry outbusts were the killer in my marriage.

As for more info on the angry outbursts, I am a scorpio not everybody can be an aries, My current situation regards my ex boss removing a contract of employment and falsifying doccuments that resulted in me losing $18,000 This will hopefully be resolved next Wednesday, I understand the concept of not losing it but the guy tried to rob me blind. I am not the first person he has done this too and i have support from the government and the local community regarding it. He is facing huge fines and upto 3 years in prison.

The argument in china was regarding the way that he treated my wife, I hated the way that he treated her with no respect and made demands on our time outside of the work enviroment. I understand that cultural differences played a major role as well as my hot headedness.

I hate the fact that i "lose it" once again it does not happen all the time and it only every happens when i am being F&*(&*ed over.


As for arguing with the inlaws, i love em - BUT

I know that i am idiot "sometimes" but i am not a alcoholic anger monkey.

I emailed my father inlaw the other day, syaing sorry and thanking him, - he bought the flight for the STBXW to leave the next day. I vowed never to forgive him -

I will give stbxw all the space she needs and try to start filling up her love bank.

But at the same time, i feel that she is "out of order" for leaving the way she did,i unconditionally love my wife and incidents have happend during our marriage that were as a result of her "not perfect" behaviour but i just wake up in the morning knowing that i love her with all my heart and that nothing she could do would change that. I felt that my father inlaw is out of line flying her off the island the next day, but none of it matters. i love her and want to get her back if it means no drinking , anger management, fear factor i dont care.

Thanks again

“””Its only when i get stressed and screwed up that i dont stop and i screw up my life even more. I am not at AA but i am clean 2 months - not that it is making my life any better.”””

AWESOME… That is an action, not simply words, so that is awesome. She needs to see through your actions that you are making positive steps. If she calls and your drunk, you’re reduced to words. And I know it doesn’t feel like life is better, but trust me it is. The only thing now is that you have to look for a new escape during stressful times.

”””As for more info on the angry outbursts, I am a scorpio”””

Well I’m a scorpio, as well. However, I don’t have angry outbursts. That being said, when I used to drink, I had angry outbursts that had nothing to do with me being a scorpio.

“””I hate the fact that i "lose it" once again it does not happen all the time and it only every happens when i am being F&*(&*ed over. “””

And how’s that working for you? Obviously not very well. So learn a lesson, make a plan, and institute changes that will help you when future conflicts arise.

”””But at the same time, i feel that she is "out of order" for leaving the way she did”””

Which is fine but at the same time let’s focus on what you can control, YOU.

“””I unconditionally love my wife”””

Please continue to read on this site. There truly is one who can love unconditionally and that’s Christ. We all have conditions on our love. The Harley’s do a good job of comparing those conditions to a bank, a love bank. That she left the way she did really says nothing about her love for you, her bank was just empty.

“””i love her and want to get her back if it means no drinking, anger management, fear factor i dont care.”””

Sounds good to me. So start by looking at what actions you can take. No drinking, that’s easy don’t drink. Anger management, are you signed up for a course yet? If not, what are you waiting for? And I would also suggest reading EVERYTHING on this site.

Thanks Bill

Hi All,

What a great site, STUNNING. I have gone from desperate depression to calm reflection in a matter of days.

Every time i log on (which is a lot) i read for hours, my heart goes out to all the people with children who's pain must be multiplied a hundred fold compared to mine.

My wife and i vowed never to divorce; "oh the sweet rememberences of young love" but here we are down the line battling with the very situation that niether of us ever wanted.

It is all my fault and is becoming the biggest learning curve of my life. I am astounded by the amount of free knowledge made avaliable on this site. It's quite telling that all of the Findlove sites on the internet charge $$$ ; yet here is Marshall Harley, Sherrif Tempest and their posse of trustee deputees giving away love by the gigabyte - Hats off to you all.

I am however finding it very difficult navigating my way to the PLan A / Plan B area of the site. It's not that i have not searched maybe i am missing something ?

Could a friendly deputy would like to help me find my way,

Thanks\

Look under infidelity. Plan A and Plan B were originally devised to deal with an active affair in the marriage. Plan A, however, can be very effective when dealing with a spouse who's in withdrawal. That's your case.

The basic premise of Plan A is that you meet all of your spouse's emotional needs that she'll let you, without ANY expectation that she'll meet your needs any time soon. You do not do anything to cause your spouse distress. The only exception is asking questions about who, what, when and where in the case of an affair.

Okay, so, first notice the absence of any mention of LBs. Avoiding LBs is a given whether you are in Plan A, recovery or anything.

Second, the needs she'll let you meet. That means if she's uncomfortable with you sending love letters, you don't.

Third, without expectation of her meeting your needs any time in the near future. When we start doing stuff for our spouse, we naturally expect to get some positive feedback, preferrably in affection, sexual fullfillment, conversation, something.... Often we get nothing.

It's a very slow process. It takes patience. Check out Graeme's thread. I know it's incredibly long, but he's a success story. He's also in the UK.

You seem to have a problem with authority figures (Parent's in Law, Wife's Boss, Your Boss)...before you can fix your marriage maybe you need to figure out what is causing you to have problems with authority figures.

I have a lot of authority figures that i have absolutly no issue with, It's true certain people really get my goat and i am not backward in coming forward about it.

Not to disrespect the authority figures you reference, the FIL is known in business circles as "Red Faced F&*^&%er", The wifes boss was horrible to the point of vindictiveness towards my wife. The ex boss sold up all his assets in his homeland and did a runner to the carribean when he was charged with software theft (allegedly).B4 ripping me off .

I could just as easily have a good judge of character as a problem with authority figures.

But your right certain people really get my goat and i tackle them head on.