On Bob's thread.

Believer....

talk about me .... fine with me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I am deliberately shy about that thread today for some reason ... I just want to read

OK ... broke in and said something small ... but something real

I'm counting on you, since EVERYONE there says that you have healed from this with no residual problems.

What is your opinion about that Believer? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep - As a BS, I believe that your life has been profoundly changed by the betrayal. But I really don't sense that in any of your posts. I think you have done a lot of work and self examination to get through it, but yeah, the scars are still there.

PEP:

"I feel your pain". Do you belong to a "House of Worship?"


BTW, this is a joke. I think. 'Cause I really do "sense" your pain. I'm learning HUMOR..... from YOU.....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yes, it has.


Because when I was putting all that out there in my posts it was prior to MB ... it was on Redbook site, and previous to that Woman's Village. I'm just done with it. Process completed.


Like life, every reality leaves some sort of a mark.

I think some of the difficulty in that conversation is a difference in symantics as well as a difference in timeline.

"no residual" is probably not true ... because some of my "residual" is good stuff! And any residual effect that I did not care for, I manipulated it or I manipulated my attitude around it ... to make it work for me rather than make me work for it.

LOL Mimi

I want to be like you when I grow up...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Believer ... I finally thought of an analogy.

We were/are an infertile couple. We had all sorts of tests done and nothing was ever found as to "why" we did not get pregnant. We did some sperm collecting/spinning and turkey-baster squirting (ewwww) and it never worked no matter how right (ripe ?) the timing was. It never happened.

We adopted. We planned to adopt one anyway ... our original idea was to have one of our own and adopt a second. (BTW, I was 31 and he was 30 when we got married)

So .... even after we were raising 2 kids ... I still carried the infertility "scars" in my heart. Certain movies with scenes of birthing would make me weep uncontrollably. And, I had been working in neonatal ICU to boot!

There was a cross-roads I had to make a decision ... to carry this wound or to just get on with life.

I talked to God. I yelled at God is closer to the truth. Why give me this yearning only to deny me the fruition? ... "Waa-waa ... no fair God!"

Eventually, I needed to stop. I was tired of my own complaints. I was missing the FEAST set before me.

Perhaps the reason I do not seem to carry scars from infidelity is that the lessons I learned from my previous major loss helped me recognize the time had come to stop, look around at what I did have and not at what I felt cheated of ... and sit down and enjoy my feast.

I am not a hedonist ... but I see no sense in wasting my time when I could be enjoying my life.

Part of this was me learning to submit to God's will without complaining ... do you know how HARD this is for someone as strong-willed as I???

I bet you can imagine ... LOL!

I've been reading that thread also and was waiting to see what you, Pep, might have to say about that.

One of the things I have so admired about the woman that I see you as here at MB, is that you DO take the time to really reflect and 'manipulate' your attitude.

The comment that every reality leaves some sort of mark is so true. It also has an effect on every moment that comes after.

I believe that yes...your life was profoundly changed and that there are residual effects of it in your life. I believe it does come through in your posts...

in your advice to both WS and BS...

in your humor...

in your sense of fairness...

in your protective nature of those in pain...

and in your pursuit of delving deeper into yourself and your invitation to others to do the same...

maybe you have always had those attributes but I can't help but feel they may have been deepened and manipulated into a positive drive by your experiences.

I find it hard to believe that anyone going through this.. or any traumatic situation... can come away with no residual effects. How you choose to view those effects at work in your life and use them to your own advantage can, IMVHO, change your life as you allow it to.

And I second the opinion that I want to be you when I grow up!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I will accept this as a compliment ... but add on a disclaimer ... I would much prefer you as you grown up ... because our differences are beautiful

Pep:

I've got to tell you this....

I tried to tell you before... I want you to hear this, please..

I am a strong believer in the viewpoint that things happen for a reason..

I believe that GOD works very directly in my life...

PEP, you were the only one there for me at another important turning point..when my H came back in 09/03, he almost returned to the OW, resumed contact for about a week.. I didn't want to believe you but you alerted me to this. You stayed on my case and I finally listened to you and confronted him about this... The rest is history.. You encouraged me to STAND UP AND FIGHT that one last time...

and here we are again, PEP....

You and SUSAN are really encouraging me to ENJOY THE FEAST...

I APPRECIATE THE ENCOURAGEMENT OF BOTH OF YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Among others here, YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL to me, like a GUARDIAN ANGEL..

I'm sure that a direct touch from GOD brought you into my life..

OK. I'm finished. I really wanted you to know this.....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Let's give God thanks for all of this...

It's so interesting ... because I also know this:

If it weren't for the lessons of strength and the value of "duke it out" that I learned via the infidelity experience ...

I may not have gotten through the experiences with our wayward son with positive results.

Our marriage was strengthed because of our recovery work in order to prepare us for the horrible stuff we were going to face with our child a few years down the road!

Good point!

It was a compliment and I'm glad it was taken as such <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

To put it better, I think there are many qualities and traits that come through in your post that I admire. I learn from you and am often times personally challenged by the questions you ask of yourself and others.

Some of those qualities that I see are ones that I find myself trying to nurture in myself...because I do admire them.

So there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

FIM

I would very much like to learn to master this skill.




Actually, I DO know!

Pep
Your laudable recovery involved you 'manipulating' broken stuff and your attitude to your benefit.

This is what I have been saying on the 'changed' thread. It is what I hope to do: what I am trying to do.

Stuff is changed in a BS that can't ever be repaired. It must be rewired, accommodated, circumvented.

To say that 'God will fix everything' without any work or smarts from us is Doris Day optimism. Great for the movies, not so much use in life.

God CAN do anything, but he usually adheres to the physical rules He set in motion for the universe.

This is hard stuff Pep and I HATE that Squids selfishness forced me to deal with all this. HATE it.

... same goes for the FWS as well .... rewiring


God provides doors of opportunity , we walk through or past. Or ... we can sit down and try to figure out how to let God know that God is incorrect, and if He just KNEW how much we hated this, he'd make it go away .... LOL

BINGO! I figure if I start telling God how to do his job, then I have taken over his job....