Two questions bro. First, are you that sure of Squid, or are you that sure of yourself? Or is it both? (This counts as one question, two parts )

Second, I am going from joyous determination to hang on to grim conviction that my marriage is unsalvagable. Am I merely experiencing a rougher part of the roller coaster or am I a vacillating, weak kneed coward? And would ADs help me decide? I am sorely tempted to lean on them.

First question, CD, I will never blindly trust anyone again.

The only reason I want Squid faithful is because she wants to be. because she loves me and wants to protect me from hurt.
If she wants to end our marriage and see other men, she can, and theres not much I can do without imprisonng her.

I have no shackles on her. She swears up and down it will never happen again, but to blindly trust such, even without the precedent of an affair, is asking for trouble IME.

Also she is as transparent as can be in her business without humilating herself. I see no 'red flags'. Unless he got a whole lot better at lying and got a whole lot of highly credible alibi folks, she was where she said. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Finally, I am an independent operating unit since the past year. I do not fear her leaving me as I once did. I love her, I want her but do not need her to complete my personality or my life. I want her to stay and be faithful because she loves and respects me, not because I say so.

It prevents me being clingy. Clinginess is really unattractive in a spouse IME.

Second part Camp, man its a rollercoaster. Evil. Some days UP some days polar opposite.

I learned to detach a little - treat it like a work project. Intead of counting blessings I counted SWOT - Strengths weaknesses , opportunities, threats. It really helped me lock up my taker and stick to the plan.

A-D's might help CD. The best just level the coaster out a bit.

Now, after a year, MY recovery rollercoaster still goes down, but not so steep and the average route is now an ascent.

I promise you, your life head and heart will be better in a coupla months than you can possibly imagine now.

All blessings

LOL, well I can't say much to that response. Sounds good.

Sourmale <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey LM

I'm serious ! I care enough to POJA transparency just a * little * more than Squid is comfortable with, but she proved last year that there's a star in the book of liars by her name.

She's pretty and fun, she could pull every time she goes out if she wants.

I came to the realization that not only can I NOT stop her, I actually do not want to if she wants to. She has the best Bob I can ever be now. If thats not enough for her, I have no response to that.

I want her to love me and cherish me and not hurt me in that way.

I'd be REALLY hurt if she had another affair, but I'd divorce her in a heartbeat and get on with my life. Ain;t doing this again.

Like I said I'm not her dad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> she's 41 not 14 ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dude, I am with you. I think this is healthy thinking. I think FAR TOO Many people still "mother" or "father" their cheating spouses in recovery for fear they will slip back into an affair. I agree with you wholeheartedly. If your FWH is going to cheat again, she will do it one way or the other. You can't stop her, so why try. I like your thinking. Live for today. You are in the "right mind' here. That is healthy. Bravo to you Bob.

Sour.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Campdog. I haven't posted to you before, and have missed much of your story. This bit in your post, and the other things that are like it, really jumped out at me.

A couple of years ago, you see, I had to make the decision about whether to leave my daughter behind. She was about the same age as your baby is now, and I'm also a non-biological parent (though in a very, very different set of circumstances).

I'd really like to ask you to reconsider your thought processes here. You've raised this child as your own for his entire life. You have accepted the responsibility for him. You ARE his father. That's the choice you made when you accepted him into your life, and it's not something you can take back.

This is a time when it's important, really important, to think about what a grown child will think when presented with this set of circumstances. Sit down with the baby and think through what you want this child to know about you when he's 25. Even if you never see him again, what do you want him to know if he goes looking into the records?

Do you want him to know that you fought for him the way a father would? Do you want him to know that your love for him was untainted by the circumstances of his birth? Do you want him to know that it didn't matter to you what his genetics were?

I would also say that the law is probably not as firmly against you as it could be in other circumstances. (Mine, for instance.) You're the legal husband of the woman who had this child. In some states, that makes you the legal parent, regardless of biology. In other states, it gives you some pretty hefty standing.

This is one of the very few circumstances where I strongly suggest that you check with a really, really good attorney before you do anything. You'll need someone who knows the custody laws in your state, and who specializes in kids whose biology differs from their parents. It's a complex area of the law.

You may also want to seriously consider looking into a second-parent adoption. Basically, that allows you to take on all of the rights and responsibilities of being a parent, and gives you the same legal standing as your wife with regard to your children. The laws on this, too, vary from state to state, but IF it's a possibility in your state, this is one time when I would probably risk the marriage in order to save the parent-child relationship.

Well, okay, that's what I did. I lost the marriage, but didn't lose the child. A choice no one should have to make, but I'm glad I chose that way anyway.