I'm not sure where to start. My husband and I have been married 10 years this Labor day, we have 2 boys. He is in the army. 4 years ago he was chatting online with other women, pretty raunchy conversations. I found out and bought an online recorder and was able to read everything. I confronted him about it and asked if he had ever cheated on me. He said no at first then started crying and said yes, 2 years prior. I quit my job and packed me and the kids and started the 18 hour drive to my parents. After the first night and calming down after first emotionally reacting I went back and we worked it out. It was a druken one night stand while at a military school (he'd been there without me for about 4 months). We went through counseling and after 2 years I was still having a hard time with it. I went to counseling on my own and started my way back, it's been good for at least a year and a half now. He had to go away to school again for this past year. It's been good even still because we would see each other frequently. I just found out last week that he was online again for the last month and that he met one woman and slept with her twice. He says he felt guilty and ended before it really got started, I believe this because of how I found out. I flew out to see him last week to see how I feel about him. I still love him with everything I am. He says he doesn't want to lose his family. I just don't know if I can trust that this will end here and forever. I know all the steps to take and I just don't know where to turn now.

Sorry that you are here, but this is a good place. I am also sorry that it took several hours for you to get a response. Things slow down after about 4 on the boards...and this board is always slower than most. General Questions is much busier with more experienced people.

Here is what I would do. First read EVERYTHING on here. And then APPLY what you read.

Second, find out all you can about the OW(other woman)...if she is married call her hubby and expose, expose, expose! The more the affair is exposed the better chances you will have at making sure there is no contact with this OW.

Third, make sure there is no contact, and tell your hubby to write a no contact letter. Some people choose to have their spouses call with them standing there and tell the other person no contact...and this means FOREVER!

There are other people here whose spouse has cheated more than once, so if you need advice about that specifically I would post a thread on the general questions board. They can help you!!

I wish you the best, and please post and ask as many questions as you can!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi, everyone, I am new in this room.
I have been married for about 9 years and had a miscarraige about 2 months ago. We have two children and we are very happy as a family. For the past 6 months, I have noticed my husband spend a lot of time on internet. (usually from 11:00 pm to 3:00 am every night). I have seen someone from MSN messager sent him invitation to chat. I did not say anything in front of him becasue I was sure that my husband will not betray me. In about 2 weeks ago, he left USA to China I had a chance to use his laptop. I logged in and found out that he has been contacting 3 to 4 women in HK and China. As soon as I log in, they all sign in and wanted to chat. I pretend that I am my husband and had conversation with them online. I have stayed on line for about 3 hours and realized that he has been cheating on me emotionally. I am shaking so much right now since I just found out about one hour ago. I am so upset... I will be joining him in China in about 2 weeks but I don't how to deal with him or even face him. What shall I do, what shall I do, now? I have just check through the JUST FOUND OUT POST and still do not know what to do at the monent. Would anyone please help me? any advise??????


Upset Wife

First, sit down and breathe. I am sorry to that this is happening to you. You have come to a great place of peace.

Try to read everything you can read on this here at MB.

You need to try to get yourself together, calmly to reduce your stress which will eat you up and so that you can talk to your H without an attack.

So far it sounds like he has an "internet" issue and hopefully hasn't taken it any further.

My H had two brief PA's (physical affairs). Just keep reading and ask any questions.

I will keep you in my prayers,

holiday

Hi, I agree with holiday. You need to calm down first. It's the hardest thing I know of to deal with. It sounds like you've caught this before PA has happened. I don't think I'm really good at the advice or I don't think this would be happening to me again. I agree that you should read as much as you can. If your husband is willing he should check this out too. My husband hasn't posted but has read, and he says it has helped him to really understand why I ask my questions and where I'm coming from. I will keep you in my thoughts.

notsure

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.....

I had the hardest day of my life last night. I have not sleep for the past 24 hours. I could not sleep since I am feeling very upset.

I had finished the book "His Needs & Her Needs", which I borrowed by my next door neighbor (Pastor Sam).

I email the infelidy on internet letters to my husband this morning at 6:00 am. Through email, I told him I am really hurt and upset for what he has done to me. Of course, he email right back to me saying he just chat couple of times on line and he has done nothing unfaithfully. (I do not believe him, what a great timing? he must be online whole night over in China with other women).

My husband thinks its nothing and just chatting. He wants me to call him at his cell so that we can talk.

I really appreciate your careness, input & advise, it almost make me in tears. I did not expect someone would care..... not even my husband...

Right now since I am not ready, I do not want to call my husband or I will raise hill with him. But, what can I do from this point?????? I want to save my marriage but how can I trust him again?

I have went through every chapter of Marriagebuilders articles. Still, I felt hopelesss.....

As you probably read my husband chatted one time before that did not lead to a PA. At the time and up until he went to school last year and me to my parents I had bought an online recorder for our computer. It worked great, there are many out there that don't cost much and are very easy to use. I hid it in a main folder on the computer. I would check that daily for about 2 years. He didn't know about it for about that time. I then told him I had it and was happy to see that he did not go online except to check his regular email or research something. I told him I got rid of the program. I still checked it every so often but after a while realized he wasn't doing anything and just let it go. Of course being apart for the last year has been hard for both of us. He went back to chatting and had a brief PA. Of course, it actually funny in an odd way but OW is now trying to tell me she might be pregnant. She is supposedly going to the doctor tomorrow. I know that even if she isn't lying about being pregnant that it's definitely not his, he had a vasectomy 7 years ago. She doesn't know this and I'm not telling her. For some reason that I don't get, it's making this whole situation a little easier for me. I guess because I can't believe how far she will go to TRY and drive me away. It's not working! But I'm not telling her. Maybe this is my revenge and maybe I shouldn't do it but I just can't help it. I know the rest of this is off subject but I just thought I'd share it. I hope you are doing better.

Dear Holiday and notsure05:
Thank you so much for your input and support. I had spoke with my husband and he is really sorry for what he has done. I am really lucky that I found out before anything happened. I am sorry to know what happened to Holiday's husband's affair and hope you and your husband work everything out. I took your advise, I put my thoughts and feelings together and email him again so that I could not attack! My husband called the morning and we had a positive communication. My husband said he will delete all messanger programs from his computer and we will work on fullfilling each other's needs.
Thank you, Holiday.....if you need any support, please let me know... or just someone to talk to, I will be all ears....
Thank you, notsure05.....you mail means a lot to me and I wish you all the best!!!

After reading your 2nd mail, I think you are really a brave woman with all wisedom. Do you have a chance to find out test outcome from the OW? Let me know or if you need someone to talk to.

Through the phone, my husbnad told me he has ended the internet chatting about 2 months ago because my miscarriage. He felt bad. He promised to "Kill" all the messanger programs from his laptop and office computer after returning from China.

When I asked him what motivates him to chat on line with other women, he said "because he felt he has been avoided by me". I felt it was my fault to push him away for the past 3 years because the in-law problems. I did avoid him and gave him hard time from Aug. 2002 to May 2005. After the miscarriagge in May 2005, he stayed at home with me and took good care of me. I was really moved by him. I apoloized to him and our relationship is headed to a new direction. My husband told me that's why he ended all the internet chatting becasue he is sure that I love him and I do care for him.

But still, I will take your advise to purchase a computer recorder and will check on his computer from time to time to make sure this won't happen again.

I read it somewhere, as a woman, we have to carefully run our marriage like running a business. Don't you agree?

As far as for you, why can't you move together with your husband? If a couple are constanly separated, something bad sure will happen. Have you think about move to somewhere near his base?

I am sorry for your husband's 2nd affair. You shall not let this woman gets in the way between you and your husband. You are doing the right thing by protecting your marriage, your man and your family.

You are a brave woman and I really have high respect for you.

You take care and I will pray for you.

Glad to hear you are doing better.
I am sorry to read about notsure05. I will need to go back and read all your posts to see where you are.
I will keep you both in my prayers.
Have a nice weekend, well nice as it can be,
holiday

I did not hear from you for the past 2 days and I am really concerned about you. Are you ok? Please let us know... If you need someone to talk, you have my contact info....

I am fine. I think I am just going day to day and that's all I can do. One day I am laughing and having a normal fun conversation with WH but then the next I am crying and getting angry. For the most part now (3 weeks after D day)it's the first. Thank goodness. I am packing and getting things ready at work for my move. It's coming along. The only setback is OW. She has emailed constantly and called a few times. I know he lied to her to about our marriage but it just drives me crazy that she thinks she's the hurt one along with me. I feel like yelling at her "You were the sex, I'm the wife he made the commitment to!" She is not pregnant, apparently she just told me that to find out how much he had lied to her. I can't believe someone would do that to a wife. Even though I knew there was no way she was pg by my H, it just bothered me that she would do that to me. I will have to post her last email that I got on Sat so you can understand the stupidness I am dealing with.

Here's so far the last I've heard from OW, this is what I have been dealing with. My H has told me things that were said and done that he didn't want to tell me but knew I needed to know because I wouldn't have asked. He has tried to be as honest as possible since this all came out. He has confirmed things she has said and also denied some and when he would I would then question her since she kept emailing me and she would eventually contridict herself, So when you read this don't take what she says litterally as most of you probably know anyways:


The sad thing is that I was playing with you and I should not have. I'm not preg and *** did tell me the truth about a lot. That he was tired of the same ol thing with sex with you, your cheating (so he thought) and not being there for his boys.

I was what you are not. It was not all about sex (you were right about that) *** made me realize a lot about myself. And I see a lot about you that reminds me of how trusting and "just how much" I thought I loved my ex...till he did it again. You can never lose what you do not have. Trust is trust. And it takes time to build that - which after 4 months of meeting and getting married and kids is just not there. (that was about sex)

If you believe for once that he is a good man....there is no "good man" out there. By being single the last 2 yrs...BTW-I never slept with anyone else but ***...he was that special to me that I made a compromise (and he knows that). But I have come to learn that there are some faithful men, with good hearts, that have stronger relationships with their women, than ***. *** was looking for something other than you and he found it. I could have never told you earlier but when you finally told me the truth, when Bart did not call me, I knew it. That's why I said "if" I was pregnant I knew how to reach his commanding officer. I knew the only way you would tell me the truth is if I used the pregnant card. It worked. I wanted to know just how bad he lied and now I know what you knew. He's not all that bad, but he is, don't be fooled.

I never offered *** sex..I offered him companionship and friendship (we had that) and things went the other way quick when he met me for the first time at my door and stayed the night.
It was like WOW. He was like WOW. We experimented about a lot of things. I never asked him to stay - he wanted a lot from me that I offered him. He was so eager to see me, spend time with me, hold me, kiss me, it was good. The things he did to me, the phone sex, phone talks, the golf range, the lunch, the sex was all amazing. There were other things he did in and out of bed to please me. Men like *** are a dime a dozen. Don't be fooled.

He did tell me he wanted me for himself and that the guys knew he was married (you were right about that) and that they all may be stationed together and he did NOT want you to find out if you did not get divorced. But I did talk with (a friend) (he covered for ***) and many of his other drinking buddies.

Oh I'm sure *** has had a wake up call. We all know that, but faced with reality - he is a cheater and I definitely want him but not gonna fight for him. I already had the best of him (who he really is) If you had let him go, I know for sure he would be here with me (no doubt). When you found out about us - I told him that I wanted to hold him and tell him things would be okay, no matter what. Either your marriage would work out or not work out, I would be here for him. I'm still not dating anyone else by choice.

The only difference in all of this is that I would not lie cause it was on me and told you about the affair we had. He was forced to tell the truth only after I let you in on it and he was forced to admit what he "chose" to do. Violate your trust and the marriage "you" thought you had with him. He was going to come see me for the next year until school was over. BTW - you are way too controlling and demanding. I can see why *** is intimidated by you. You get to play the saint role here and look like the good wife who takes back the cheating husband and sugar coat your marriage, until he realizes again he is "not happy" with what he has with you.

Guess *** had his mid-life crisis. Cool. Later!

I am really sorry that you have to deal with this kind of pain everyday. As you advised, you shall take care of yourself first! I am not a professional, I am very new in this... but if I were you, I would ask the OW not to contact me any more because I don't need any more of her lies and love storeis about her and my husband.

Holdiay, are you there?????? Can you give any advise to help notsure05?

Notsure05, I think you should void any types of contacts with the OW. You need to pull yourself together and concentrate on your inner construction. Only when you are happy with yourself, then you can make decision to stay with your husband or ask him to get out of your life.

My husband promised to delete all messangers program from his laptop and computers. I will keep my eyes out on that and I am very determined, if it happens again, I will have him to leave so that I can go on with my life.

I will be leaving USA from Aug. 15 to Sep. 15, 2005. I am not sure if I can have internet access over in Asia. But trust me, whenever I have time, I will check on you. I will pray for you and please, please, please, BE STRONG!!!

Notsure05...write an email back saying: DUH!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, she's not worth the time. How insane. It sounds like she's talking about herself throughout the whole email. She's in pain, yes, but pain brought on by herself, what a drama queen.

You're H is with you because he loves you. He was tricked by the OW, not saying he isn't 50% responsible for the A. Only OW and OM sometimes prey on the weak of mind when the weak of mind go looking.

I hope your H has learned a major lesson here. My H's OW's only called on his cell phone and made up some bull* thinking I wouldn't find out.

The reason your H didn't want you to find out is obvious, he cared about his wife and family, that is a no brainer. However, WS think what the BS doesn't find out won't hurt them, which is false.

I told my H that these OW weren't just in it for sex. Sex was an inticement. The lure. They always want more. They want what the wife has that they are too lazy to work for on their own. Sad.


starwolf36...are you leaving the US for work or are you in the service? Be safe in your journey and I will look for your posts,

holiday

I will be leaving USA to join my Husband and his family in China. My father in law is really sick and I have to pay a visit to them. When I get to China, I sure will have a talk with my husband. I need to sort things out and not sure how to face him. I think God will help me to have the wisedom to deal with him. Any tips???????

Take care girls..... Talk to you later....

Thanks for your continued support. So far so good I haven't heard anything from her since Sat. Actually, I know this sounds insane, I'm kind of disappointed. My H and I made an agreement that if she contacts either one of us again we would call her on 3 way with the number unlisted and I will stay silent so she doesn't know I'm on the phone. She doesn't have his cell number thank goodness. I think the reason I want her to contact me again is so that we can call her and I can hear him tell her that ultimately he knows he F***ed up. That he made a mistake and that he loves me and wants his family and for her to leave me alone. We have started the countdown, we've got 17 more days till the boys and I move to be with my H. I am really excited. My best friend recently went through this with her H. I wish I had known about this site for her then. He left to be with OW and they are now divorced. He is showing all the signs of being in the fog faze right now. He told her he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. As much sorrow I feel for her it almost makes me sick that I keep thinking how happy I am that my H is saying he knows he made a mistake and tells me that he Loves and Wants ME!! Hopefully we will be on our way to recovery when I get there. I kind of feel like we already are. Although I got mad at him again last night. He knows that is going to happen, it's just something I have to work through. When we get there we are going to find a MC that works for both of us this time. And I've ordered some of the books from here. I even got Dr Phil's book too. I figure all the help we can get would be great. I am going to show H this website when we move there and he can see first hand what this does not just to me but to other BS men and women. I think this is such a great site for everyone. Thanks again for ya'lls support!!!

Starwolf - I hope your trip goes well and that you and your H can figure out where to go from here to have a better marriage. I will keep looking for you! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Holiday - I am going to go back and look at your story, I hope I find that things are going really well for you. Thank you for taking the time to write the words of encouragement to me and starwolf, it really means alot.

You are most welcome. I am leaving for the weekend and will check on you both Monday.

Prayers,

holiday