I'm not sure where to start. My husband and I have been married 10 years this Labor day, we have 2 boys. He is in the army. 4 years ago he was chatting online with other women, pretty raunchy conversations. I found out and bought an online recorder and was able to read everything. I confronted him about it and asked if he had ever cheated on me. He said no at first then started crying and said yes, 2 years prior. I quit my job and packed me and the kids and started the 18 hour drive to my parents. After the first night and calming down after first emotionally reacting I went back and we worked it out. It was a druken one night stand while at a military school (he'd been there without me for about 4 months). We went through counseling and after 2 years I was still having a hard time with it. I went to counseling on my own and started my way back, it's been good for at least a year and a half now. He had to go away to school again for this past year. It's been good even still because we would see each other frequently. I just found out last week that he was online again for the last month and that he met one woman and slept with her twice. He says he felt guilty and ended before it really got started, I believe this because of how I found out. I flew out to see him last week to see how I feel about him. I still love him with everything I am. He says he doesn't want to lose his family. I just don't know if I can trust that this will end here and forever. I know all the steps to take and I just don't know where to turn now.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. Military life is hard on couples. We have quite a few here posting.

It sounds like your husband needs to quit posting online. That is just too much of a temptation for him.

On MB, we usually say that the wandering spouse is not getting their needs met. But I don't think that includes seperation caused by being deployed or in school.

Notso,

"I just found out last week that he was online again for the last month and that he met one woman and slept with her twice."

This was not a drunken one night stand!! This was premeditated adultery. Kind of like the difference between manslaughter and Murder 1!!

The guy went ONLINE LOOKING FOR IT!! I don't see how it will end right here and forever.

This all happened while he was away at school. Was it because he was lonely or BECAUSE HE COULD GET AWAY WITH IT??

I am very sorry for your troubles. You are in the right place, though.

He sounds like a serial cheater, one that has no emotional ties to the OW, but it is the sexual encounter that trips his trigger.

I think he needs to admit he has a problem and get help for it.

k

I really appreciate your answers. He wanted us to move out there but what was supposed to be a year of training turned into 2. I thought I would just stay with my parents for the year and pay off bills and really get some money saved. The army moved us (me & the boys) to my parents and won't pay for another move. I had already told my mom about 2 months ago that I regretted not going there with him but there wasn't much to do about it now. He asked me several times to just move out there and I told even though I want to, it would just set us back and the last 10 months or so would be for nothing. When I asked him why he did this, most of the time he said he really didn't know. I think in one response he said "I have just missed you so much" Of course my response in hurt and anger was "so much so you had to have the touch of some other woman?" I feel like he is sorry and truly doesn't want to lose his family. What kind of counseling would he go for? I felt like the marriage counselor we saw before just wanted to blame everything on him. Made him feel like the lowest of lows twice a week. I felt horrible when we would leave there. I have made stipulations that he says he has no problem following. Me and the boys are moving there next month, because I feel like the only way to fix our marriage then I have to be there can't do it 1200 miles away.

Here's so far the last I've heard from OW, this is what I have been dealing with. My H has told me things that were said and done that he didn't want to tell me but knew I needed to know because I wouldn't have asked. He has tried to be as honest as possible since this all came out. He has confirmed things she has said and also denied some and when he would I would then question her since she kept emailing me and she would eventually contridict herself, So when you read this don't take what she says litterally as most of you probably know anyways. I know if I respond this will keep going but I really want to say "What the ****** are you thinking, are you kidding me?" They talked for about 2 weeks before meeting and he saw her twice and slept with her those two times. He ended all contact with her (because he felt guilty) and she sent a message through a military website that I had registered for with his name years ago, that's how I found out. She couldn't get a hold of him so she tried that. And now she wants to make it sound as if they had a long romance. I want so bad to respond but I think that would entail physically hurting her. Sorry so long, just needed to vent I guess, the rest is her last email on Saturday:


The sad thing is that I was playing with you and I should not have. I'm not preg and *** did tell me the truth about a lot. That he was tired of the same ol thing with sex with you, your cheating (so he thought) and not being there for his boys.

I was what you are not. It was not all about sex (you were right about that) *** made me realize a lot about myself. And I see a lot about you that reminds me of how trusting and "just how much" I thought I loved my ex...till he did it again. You can never lose what you do not have. Trust is trust. And it takes time to build that - which after 4 months of meeting and getting married and kids is just not there. (that was about sex)

If you believe for once that he is a good man....there is no "good man" out there. By being single the last 2 yrs...BTW-I never slept with anyone else but ***...he was that special to me that I made a compromise (and he knows that). But I have come to learn that there are some faithful men, with good hearts, that have stronger relationships with their women, than ***. *** was looking for something other than you and he found it. I could have never told you earlier but when you finally told me the truth, when Bart did not call me, I knew it. That's why I said "if" I was pregnant I knew how to reach his commanding officer. I knew the only way you would tell me the truth is if I used the pregnant card. It worked. I wanted to know just how bad he lied and now I know what you knew. He's not all that bad, but he is, don't be fooled.

I never offered *** sex..I offered him companionship and friendship (we had that) and things went the other way quick when he met me for the first time at my door and stayed the night.
It was like WOW. He was like WOW. We experimented about a lot of things. I never asked him to stay - he wanted a lot from me that I offered him. He was so eager to see me, spend time with me, hold me, kiss me, it was good. The things he did to me, the phone sex, phone talks, the golf range, the lunch, the sex was all amazing. There were other things he did in and out of bed to please me. Men like *** are a dime a dozen. Don't be fooled.

He did tell me he wanted me for himself and that the guys knew he was married (you were right about that) and that they all may be stationed together and he did NOT want you to find out if you did not get divorced. But I did talk with (a friend) (he covered for ***) and many of his other drinking buddies.

Oh I'm sure *** has had a wake up call. We all know that, but faced with reality - he is a cheater and I definitely want him but not gonna fight for him. I already had the best of him (who he really is) If you had let him go, I know for sure he would be here with me (no doubt). When you found out about us - I told him that I wanted to hold him and tell him things would be okay, no matter what. Either your marriage would work out or not work out, I would be here for him. I'm still not dating anyone else by choice.

The only difference in all of this is that I would not lie cause it was on me and told you about the affair we had. He was forced to tell the truth only after I let you in on it and he was forced to admit what he "chose" to do. Violate your trust and the marriage "you" thought you had with him. He was going to come see me for the next year until school was over. BTW - you are way too controlling and demanding. I can see why *** is intimidated by you. You get to play the saint role here and look like the good wife who takes back the cheating husband and sugar coat your marriage, until he realizes again he is "not happy" with what he has with you.

Guess *** had his mid-life crisis. Cool. Later!

One last question:
I've been reading all the different stories on here and it has really helped. The question I have is about the WS script alot of you refer to. That they rewrite history, blame the BS, that the WS just doesn't know how they feel about the BS or OP. This is not happening here. I will say something like "maybe this wouldn't have happened if I had just moved there to begin with. I obviously wasn't meeting most of your ENs" He will stop me right there and tell me that none of this was my fault. He is taking full responsibility for all of this and says he will do anything I want to rebuild this M. He is willing to write a NC letter even though we both know that is just asking to hear from OW again (read above post for last conact to me from her). I haven't decided if it is worth hearing from her again. I feel like he is finally being as honest as he can with me right now.

I am a little afraid of the way he is handling this though....am I REALLY LUCKY that he is not going through withdrawl and all the WS babble I've been reading about or is he just a REALLY GOOD actor???

Any thoughts on this would be very helpful!!!

sorry to hear of your troubles. The OW will just mess with your head. She's slept with a married man, what makes you think she's honorable enough to tell the truth? You have what she wants, your man. She's the enemy. Ignore her.

If he won't send a NC letter, maybe you should consider doing it for yourself. Don't bother talking to her you can't trust she's telling you the truth.

By the way, the NC letter is just to make it clear its over to all 3 parties. So what if you hear from her again, you're already hearing from her. If you send it she will KNOW its over. and if she contacts you two again you will know she's a desperate woman.

I know, when he says those words "we will just hear from her again, but I will do it if that's what I need to do for you" it just irritates me for some reason. That's why I'm not sure that I am just lucky that he's willing to take full responsibility for his actions and do what I think we need to do to start recovery or is this just an act? I have a hard time beliving that he's that good an actor!

if it is just an act you will eventually find out....Nothing you can do about what his choices are or will be. (struggling myself with this)

Just my opinion. Your husband is in a testosterone laden field of work. If he was in your bed, every night, would he be a serial cheater? If the YOU believe the answer to be no .. then consider taking him back...forgiving him and never leaving him on his own again. Since he's offering I recommend considering these preconditions...you control the money (without money he can't entertain OW), you control the computer (without access he will be less tempted), he gets individual counseling (with your input), any cell phone he has should be in your name so you can monitor the bills, and finally, if he does it again...you're gone, period. He must do this willingly...not with the slightest hesitation as if you were some kind of control freak. It should be important for him to do this for HIMSELF.

Mayber consider this a false recovery as it doesn't sound as though you found MB or did the work to restore your marriage properly the first time. If you follow MB principles he will have no excuse for cheating again and you will have no regrets leaving him in the event he cheats.

On the other hand, I'd like to know how many escapades is he withholding from you? Is he only regretful and ready to fix things immediately because he got caught this time? There are many types of affairs and I wonder what kind this is wherein the WH feels no loss, no withdrawal? Does he value women? Did he manipulate and lie to this women to satisfy his sexual needs OR was OW the predator leading him around by his **** and getting him to profess feelings that didn't exist?

This is a discussion I recently had with my WW. Is it better that she was actually with a someone she thought she had valid feelings for OR is it better that a WS just went out and got laid with no emotional attachment?

I think it's harder to recover a marriage in the first instance and harder to stay married and ever trust again in the second.

Good luck.

Mr. Wondering

Sorry I just responded with more questions but I think you and he need to hash this out with Steve Harley or your own marriage conselor.