D-day was 27 days ago. My WW and I are seeing a MC and making progress and we still love each other. She has had NC with OM since the letter. I'm aware of how things will take time and I can't wake up tomorrow and pretend like nothing happened.

I miss so much about who we were. I miss thinking that I'm the only one in her heart. I miss waking up in the morning and seeing her beautiful face and thinking how lucky that I'm the only one in her world. I miss just feeling relaxed about everything we have and everything we were.

But most of all... I miss me. I feel so emotionally out of control. The emotions are overwhelming me that I feel good at one time and then awful the next. I feel that I could screw things up at any moment by saying something stupid. Something that would send us backwards rather than the progress I am so desperate for.

The day I found out is the day that I went missing. I can't wait to find me again. I keep looking on the back of milk cartons hoping that I will find some clue of where I am. Hopefully, my wife and I can find me again and be unconditionally happy as we once were.

Am I alone on this island? I know I must not be, but I can't see anyone else. Just me and a big palm tree waiting for rescue.

H4F,

Good thread, well written....WELCOME PLANET BS!

""I feel so emotionally out of control. The emotions are overwhelming me that I feel good at one time and then awful the next.""

I strongly advise looking into anti deprssnts. They will help you with the emotional rollercoaster..DO IT NOW!

You now just have to weather the storm of emotions. For another 2 or 3 months they will be the worst. The pain and grief will then lessen to a dull ache.

But I am afaid you will never find you, as you were when you went missing. You will find the you similar to the you that you are now.

Contact ended when I discovered Geeze's A also. She was remorseful and sorry and wanted to be with me. But it was, and is still, a very rough road. I am lucky (boy that sounds very strange!), as are you, that the A ended and we don't have to have the continued contact nightmare like many folks here .

You are doing all things right. Keep up the MC and the communication.

""Hopefully, my wife and I can find me again and be unconditionally happy as we once were.""

Good Luck with that.

k

Dude, believe me, you are not alone. Just be thankful that you are getting a chance to work on your marriage. Do all of us don't have that option at this point a favor! LOVE HER! DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO MAKE HER HAPPY! READ ALL THE GOOD LINKS ON THIS SITE NOT TO LOVE BUST! Save your marriage and become one of the great statistics. Keep asking everybody here for advice. Please please be happy for your wife while you're around her fill her emotional needs. Go on and live your life together and die in love together, if her affair is truely over, be there for her and tell her that you understand and that you will always be there for her, and then do it.

I am desperate to see a true love story in action on this board.

I wish you well my man. Make a good example for the rest of us that aren't so fortunate.

Keep your head up and be positive and reasuring.

Your post truly touched me and gave me some insight into what my H must be thinking and feeling. If it's any consolation, I'm certain your W feels like dirt for what she's done and just wants to get you two back to that happy place again too. I would know. I re-live this heart-break guilt-hell every day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Isn't it odd that all any FBS and FWS want is the exactly same thing, but that little piece of heaven always seems a little out of reach? I live for the day that the nightmare we've lived in for the past 1.5 years become a thing of the past, and all we have is the future to look forward to.

Hang in there - I'm right there with ya.

Hopeful,

I'm in the same boat as navyredman. I know it's hard to feel like you should be thrilled that the A is over and there is NC with all the emotions that are churning within you. Believe me though when I say you don't want to be in our shoes. Our WS are still having contact with OP. It is pure torture.

I know you feel like time is moving so slowly and you could just fast forward through all of this. The A has changed you forever. We will all be forever different as a result of these selfish, thoughtless acts.

I know this is not very enouraging or uplifting....I am so sorry that you are having to go through this and the pain involved. Just hang in there with it & show your wife how wonderful a person you are. Meet her EN's and don't look back.

Kim
D-Day, May 14th
Married 13 years
DS, age 5

What's that on the horizon? Is that a ship? I think it is. I think the rescuers are people like you.

The island I'm on is very big, but I guess I'm not alone. I think I see my WW on the other side. Damn... I try running to her but all this sand feels like it's slowing me down.

My wife is determined to make this work. She also has her own battles to overcome. More guilt than anything else. It's hard to see her cry so much when there is little I can do for her. We both want to take each others pain away. How ironic. I want my pain to go away and at the same time I want to take hers so she doesn't hurt anymore.

God, I love my wife.


Hopeful4future

"I can't wait for tomorrow so we can talk about yesterday"

I'm not a priest and I don't normally spread any word of God over the internet because it's too touchy of a subject, but if you do believe in God. Don't ever belive that you're on an Island. With Gods help you are never stranded. There is never path too long or hard if you have him to help you.

If you believe, use prayer, let him help you feel better. Let him get you off that island.

That's about as much as you'll get from me, but remember, you're never alone in this battle. There are thousands of people going through this very same thing. You just chose to take action and get help. You are one of the lucky ones, you get to save your marriage almost right away. many people here will envy you for that, including myself.

Hopeful,

You may not know this but you are a lucky man. Your wife screwed up big time but is remorseful and wants to make things better. Many of we BS's never had that opportunity.

Your emotional roller-coaster is completely normal. It will be all over the place for a few months. Your wife and you should educate yourselves on how each of you are feeling and discuss it. If you are feeling angry then it will help if she understands why.

As for missing yourself, I know EXACTLY how you feel. "You" will come back but you will come back a better person.

Lastly, none of what I have said is lip-service. It is the truth - I have lived it.

Keith

It's been a few weeks but I thought I would update this thread.

Today while I was sitting on the train going home I looked over and saw someone watching a movie and he was laughing. Not the kind of "that was cute" laugh but an actual laugh. It made me think of this thread.

I miss being genuinely happy. Things have improved, but I miss being genuinely happy. I have happy moments, but not the happiness that I once had. I miss not thinking about bad things and leaving myself free to just be happy.

I miss laughing. The kind of laugh that you think you might pee your pants. I miss not looking around and wondering how many people around me right now are going through the same thing I am. But then I see so many of them laughing that it makes me feel very lonely inside and that keeps me from laughing.

I miss smiling. The kind of smile that says things are OK and you're happy. I'm jealous of people that are with their spouse and as they talk they have this smile that says things are fine in our marriage.

I miss my wife. I wonder how long she's been unhappy that she got to the point of giving up on me to make her happy. I miss knowing that I was the center of her happiness that made her smile and feel warm inside. I miss thinking that no one else could ever make her feel that way. I'm mad at myself that I would let her become so unhappy that it took someone else to put a smile on her face. She has the most beautiful smile. How could I have let that get past me.

Things have improved since I first wrote this post, but it still feels that true happiness is only here to visit for a few minutes and then leave to go somewhere else. We are happier than before and we know that we will be happier, we just want it to be here now.

Hopefull,

""I'm mad at myself that I would let her become so unhappy that it took someone else to put a smile on her face.""

DO NOT GO THERE!!!

You may have been at fault for 50% of the problems in your M. BUT YOU IN NO WAY FORCED HER TO DO WHAT SHE DID!!

She did it knowing full well what she was doing.

Of course you are sad and blue all the time, but if I remember right, you just had your heart pulled through your sternum about a month ago...so your wound is entirely fresh.

Did the ADs kick in? Those xanaxs aren't sposed to be for everyday use.

Think about what a great person you are and revel in that.

Take care of yourself!

k

Hopeful,




Poignant bullseye!

Krusht,

I haven't taken a Xanax in aboout 2 weeks. The AD's are starting to do the job and the MC is continuing. Undo is scared because the MC asked a couple of questions that really hit home and Undo didn't know how to respond.

hopeful

i don't miis me...i miss "us"




you have capture in words EXACTLY how i feel about my husband.

how did i let this happen? How can i get a chance to try again and do it better?

you are so lucky you are getting that chance hopeful.

you wife is also so lucky that you wanted that chance.

good luck to you both

Hopeful4--- I feel so sad that you feel such overhwhelming feelings of despair in your heart. Thats the way my husband used to feel and be in DD and for like six months after. In the midsts of my withdrawal I could see how much he had changed and how sad he felt. It was a wake up call for me. I could not believe that I had inflicted this kind of pain on my husband. Thats why even when I did not feel like it, because I was going thru my own turmoil, I put my best face of love for him. Because I wanted him to heal and be himself again.

It has taken one year but I can say that He is if not completely , almost completely over the pain of the affair. He is himself again. He can again laugh, for no reason, that "he pees in his pants" he has the old twinkle in his eyes, I see love, not darkness, or pain. So keep your name Hopeful4Future, because things will get better for you. YOu will be yourself again, you will not have to look for your old self anymore.!!

Myrta

How I wish my wife was in a place where she felt remorseful and wanted to work things out. How I wish she still loved me and looked at me the way she looked at him. The om broke off their relationship because he was sickened by her lies when he found out she was still married to me. But she would still rather be on her own than to work on our marriage. She says she just doesn’t “feel it here” as she pounds her chest with her hand. Right now she is back in her native Philippines as I finish my contract in another two and a half weeks here in Korea. Then I will return and battle for the woman I love so much it actually aches.

I am not on an island, but I see one. I am on a raft drifting towards its ever receding shore. I can see it so clearly and it sometimes even seems near. But the closer I drift in, the further away from it I realize I am. I pray the Lord will turn the tides to sweep me in.

I miss me too, my friend. But most of all I miss the part of my flesh that was ripped out -- the part that made the two of us one.

reading your thread made me remember this e-mail i sent to my husband after he first left

I want to let you know that I miss you.

I miss hearing you say "Rise and shine!" each morning.
I miss making your breakfast and lunch-just so you know I care.
I miss talking to you on the way to work-even if its just to complain about the dogs.
I miss your call just to say you're on your way home.
I miss having dinner with you and watching tv.
I miss your comments when the dogs do something crazy or stupid.
I miss sharing my day, the good and bad, with you.
I miss just knowing that you are here with me.

I miss having a best friend



he never even responded to it.
i still miss all of these things.

I lost me back in January, and am only now starting to feel mostly familiar to myself. I still have some really bad, dark days, but I laugh again, and no longer feel like I have been crushed down to parchment thickness. You will get stronger, too. It really is more about your strength than 'getting back to normal'.

eav1967--Thats a sad post ,eav, I feel such sadness for what you are feeling.
After my husband found out about my A, those were my thoughts too. To see a future without the man that I had been all my life, scared the h**** out of me. Not to hear his voice in the house, or not to get his calls (even when I am too busy) from work,etc, was a wake up call for me.

My husband has been with me all my life, I dont see my life without him by my side, I am so grateful to him that he gave me this chance to make it up to him.

I hope you can find happiness again one day. You sound like a very nice woman.

Wish you the best!!

Myrta

Hopeful,

I miss me, too. I miss the confident, trusting woman who believed so completely in her H. I don't like being a wman afraid of the future and the potential for more pain.

Hopeful,

""MC asked a couple of questions that really hit home and Undo didn't know how to respond.""

Can you let us know what the questions were??

You can't leave us hanging like this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k