I have read much on this site, and it somewhat inspires me, but I don't have the strength left to do what might be neccessary to save my marriage. Nor do I think my wife will try to save it... What happens if in some way you both want out of the marriage, is this a sin? Is this wrong?

She had an online affair, a year ago, and I let it go, and asked her to not do it again. I'm fairly tech savy and know that she has not had it.. I check the cell phone bills (That's all we have) for phone calls to her former lover, and I believe the affair has ended. She still communicates with him briefly once amonth or every other week, but I have kept an eye on this and they are never long or deep conversations.

However, my wife came out and told me a week ago that she no longer is attracted to me at all. Keep in mind, physical activity has been gone for over 6 months (once and then 6 months before that..) it's been about once every 6 months for the last 3 to 4 years. We've been married for 5 years.

She blaims the lack of desire on physical issues, like headaches and stomach aches, but I know they are all for the most part, excuses. And the latest excuse was the loss of attraction for me. I love her very much, but I have put so much into her for the last 5 years. Initially in our marriage she refused to work, while I worked for $7.50 an hour and we couldn't do anything. Somehow we survived the financial stress. Now we're both working full time jobs, and making an average, not real comfortable living. We just bought a house too (probably a mistake if I'm considering asking her to leave, although I think it's something I could do financially on my own if I needed to.)

I've been closing up to her, not wanting to talk to her, or show her affection at all, b/c I'm too hurt by the fact that she has completely rejected me. I was hurt a little when she had the online affair, but I know she respected me and let it go so I let it go.. However, we're living as roommates now. We do things together like movies and dinner and stuff, but our relationship is no longer a marriage, but simply more of we're good friends. I mentioned counseling to her and she says there's nothing wrong and that counseling is only for people getting divorced. I'm starting to feel more and more hopeless about this marriage. I don't want to keep it going anymore. The main reason I stay in it now is because I don't want to hurt her.. Maybe that's why I stayed before.. This is at the expense of me feeling hopeless and lost. No longer desiring a marriage. I'm starting to have feelings for other people. I've avoided personal conversations with people I liked or could have gotten along with so I would remain loyal to my wife. However, I feel we're only married on paper. We're no longer married in spirit, emotion, or intimacy. Even over the last couple years I tried to hold her at night and show affection and small kisses, and holding hands, but she only really did it when we were in the presence of family members and still does. She wants everyone to know that we're doing great. Now, I don't have anyone to talk to b/c my family would consider divorce the greatest sin on the planet and most of my friends like my wife, so I would feel shunned by them to some degree. I feel like i'm the bad person and all this is my fault... But, I've done nothing but show her confession, was honest with my feelings, and did what I could for her.

Right now, the only reason I don't want to lose her is b/c I don't want to see her hurt. And I don't want to be the result of her being hurt. I know none of my emotional, or physical needs are being met, and something's going to give. I feel I would be happier with my life single. Whether or not the dating scene works out. (I used to think That being single was the worse thing possible, and married the first person that would date me for more than a month...) (which only took 2 people. lol.)

One of my brilliant (probably extremely stupid) ideas is to ask her calmly and in a controlled environment, if she would like to spend a week with her online friend, that I would pay for the plane ticket, or gas, or hotel or whatever she needs...

If she said o.k. I don't know that I would want her to come back.. I don't know if she would jump for the chance to get away or if she would get extremely upset....

In the past when we had extreme emotional issues like this she would go so far as to threaten suicide. I couldn't deal with it if she committed suicide. Yet, I don't want to waste the rest of my life emotionless and without intimacy. I used to be highly depressed many years ago and through counseling and medication it was overcome, but lately, it's become worse, b/c I feel as though I have no emotional support. I'm afraid to share any feelings with her b/c she'll just yell at me or get very angry with me. I don't know what to do, please don't take me wrong, she's been a wonderful person, and has made huge efforts at changing and becoming a productive member of society. However, I don't believe she loves me anymore.

I mentioned this before but want to state it again, anytime I bring up our issues in a normal tone and I state calmly and even lower my voice just to above whisper level on purpose, and bring up our relationship issues she gets extremely defensive, angry at me for bringing them up.. I no longer bring up the issues, I will no longer ask her for sex, b/c I know the answer and really, it's the least of my worries now. When she does give in, it feels so cheap and she only does it to please me, she doesn't do it to please herself. Plus throw in the statement that I'm not attractive anymore to her.

What do I do? Do I starve her of affection and intimacy until she leaves me? Is that wrong? Should I be putting every effort forth to save my marriage, when I have spent 2 to 3 years trying to build it up, during which time I failed miserably b/c she had the online affair.

I know I"m messed up right now b/c I have so many garbled thoughts going through my mind. I cringe at the thought of being with her 5 more years, now. I'm a devout christian and don't believe in divorce, but I'm sacraficing myself for the sake of not having a divorce. Is that what God wants? I'm not willing to believe that.... I will be attending counseling in a couple weeks. August 9th to be exact.

My parrents have similar issues. They sleep in separate rooms, they constantly argue, neither one has ever cheated on the other, but I know their needs aren't being fulfilled. They are sacrificing their own happiness b/c they do not believe in divorce. They've been married 26 or 27 years now. I'm not willing to do that, but I don't want to hurt anyone either. Myself or my wife. Please offer me insite on what I need to do. Do I just need to grow up and deal with it. Do I need to let my wife do whatever she wants. Thankfully we have no kids... Which in some ways makes everything easier, but that shouldn't be a scape goat either. I don't know what to do! My wife is starting to wonder, why I won't hold her anymore or talk to her much or anything. It pains me too much to show her any affection. She'll be home from work in two hours and I'm dreding it. b/c she'll complain about how she feels, and I'll try to ignore her as much as I can, and then she might ask if something's wrong and I hate to lie to her but I don't like her yelling at me or threatening to kill herself either.


Anyways, I suppose I'll stop ranting! If anyone has suggestions I'm open to objective opinion. the main question is: Have I done enough to try to save the marriage to not feel guilting for giving up on it? I feel like in some way this is all my fault, I failed miserably at something, but I don't know what. In a way I feel as though our vows are dead, broken. The marriage destroyed. The fact we still live together, is just out of financial convenience, nothing more. We just got a king size bed so we can sleep farther away from each other now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

She couldn't afford to live here on her own, so I know she would either go to her guy far far away or move another state way in with her parents. I would keep the house. I even went so far as to figure out a budget based on just my income to verify if I could live alone with the house.. I think I can if I'm thrifty.

Do I persue an affair to fulfill emotional needs and consider our relationship over. Start the process of healing and coping with someone else to help? Do, go to counseling, and get emotional support from a counselor instead of my wife? I want it all to be overwith now... But, am too scared of what my wife were to do if I told her I would help her leave. She might stab herself, or simply drive her car off the road, or she might simply leave for her parrents.

I don't honestly know... How do I deal with family then, and friends. What if they all reject me for what I've done?

What kind of Christian would I be for not trying to save my marriage.....

How will God fit in to all this? Will he reject me too if I knowingly and purposefully terminate my marriage?

o.k. I'm done now...

Any comments?

Whitewolf,
Garbled thoughts are beautiful. Confusing, but a true gift. I believe that God wants for us what any good father would want, happy children. It seems to me that a man that doesn't want to get divorced because of his religion, but has made the necessary plans, has spent some time talking with the Big Guy. If you honestly feel in your heart that there is nothing left for you to do, then that is the truth. You have tried to get her to go to counseling and she has rejected you by rejecting to join in the fight to save your marriage. You have already divorced. Emotional divorce to me is worse because that person is still there with the label of a person that should care for you. (wife). The Lord forgives us of our sins and if divorce is one in this case then so be it. I feel that each individual has their own, personal relationship with God that does not include anyone else. You have to answer to God for getting a divorce, not family or friends. If they are not supportive, then come back and get support from people that understand. If my mother had not been married 5 times, I would have missed out meeting my husband and having my 2 beautiful daughters. There could be someone out there for you, that would love you, have a family with you, and be happy with you. My mother talked a lot about committing suicide and tried a couple times, but always called someone first. She didn't want to die, she wanted attention. The man in the e-mails can feels sorry for her and show her the attention she wants because he doesn't know her like you do and doesn't have to deal with her all the time. Like any relationship starting out. She wants that, not the hard work and committment that marriage is. Or at least that is how it sounds to me. Do you think she wanted to get caught? She wanted you to end it so she wouldn't have to? Don't get guilted into being unhappy forever. In your honest opinion, just one question, do you think GOD wants you to live the unhappy life that your parents are living, do you think that would please him at all? I don't think so. Ultimately do what is in your heart and I think that is apparent.

KERI

Whitewolf,

I would like to answer your questions but frankly this is such a messy issue. You say she has no feelings for you and doesn't love you, but you won't divorce her or talk to her because she threatens suicide if you bring the issue up. Sounds like she has feelings to me.

There is a basic tenant of this site and it is called "radical honesty". You need to tell her how you feel, and that you are thinking of moving on. YOu need to tell her why you feel this way. THEN you need to listen to her very very carefully, don't argue with her or anything. Listen to her talk and then ask her questions about the parts you are confused about.

One of the issues is clearly sexual in nature and that needs to be addressed if it is a big issue. I am guessing she is no happier than you but she like you doesn't know how to address this.

I would suggest you obtain two books and you both read them. ONe is Surviving an Affair and the other is His Needs Her Needs. You both read them, talk about them, AND then make any decisions. Your marriage can be saved, but it will take both of you deciding to address this marriage openly, honestly, and with great care for the other person.

Please consider this advice.

God Bless,

JL

I easily look guilty when I'm innocent. I have a natural talent for guilt I think. Might be because of the sexual abuse I went through as a child.. I don't know (I've dealt with that with much time and effort...).

I agree with both of your views. I know that if I even remotely bring up the idea that I'm thinking of counseling by myself (which I am) or I suggest we read some books together to save our marriage. She'll immediately jump to the conclusion that it's over. The last time I brought it up a couple years ago she said if I do it again she's leaving along with comments such as "I might as well be dead then" and other fun commments that demean my love for her.

I am sleeping more. eating less, and my head is feeling extremely messed up. I'm afraid that my mind that was rebuilt through counesling and medication is being torn down as I speak. I feel walls that protect me from influxes of chemical imbalances are starting to break down from the stress. I don't believe I have the emotional strength to save my marriage.
I don't know if she does either. Our emotional states have been getting more and more fragile, more and more jumpy, more and more reflexive and defensive on both sides. Emotional 2 to 3 years worth of emotional walls have been built up between us. I will consider both of your advice. I hate being an adult! I agree with Jolene in that God's ultimate goal for us is to be content, happy in his love.


I agree with JL in that I need to be honest with her. I've been trying to think of ways to be honest with her, without her going ballistic on me. How do I do it... How do I say in a loving way "Dear, I'm really considering Divorce as an option, I'm starting to wake up and realize that this relationship isn't going to work, and that you and I both would possibly be happier going our separate ways... There's one last effort I'm willing to try if you are. Can we read a couple books together and go through our relationship and see if we can fix things... AT the same time I'm going to try counseling... We'll have to see where it goes from here."

Unfortunately I can almost already hear her run off and start crying and / or getting extremely angry at me. She probably wouldn't yell much.. initially. She would most likely just cry and say "fine I'm leaving..." or something along that line.

I could maybe ask questions, but there would be little logical rationalization in her mind. I could be totally wrong and she could say o.k. where do we start.... I'd say there's a .0001% chance of that happening though...

You know.. I've always said that the world would be so much better if sex / gender didn't exist. Humanity would die out pretty fast, minor detail....

JL I know she has some form of feeling for me, but she told me flat out she has no "attraction to me" anymore. So, what does that mean, she wants the emotional support a marriage offers, but nothing else?

Ironic thing is our 5 year aniversary is August 1st. How do I deal with that? Do I lie and do my best to make sure she has a fun time.... Or do I mention this stuff to her and end up breaking her heart on or near our aniversary.

believe me, I don't think she'll remotely go for the idea of reading books in that state.

Both of you offer excellent points. And as one of you mentioned, ultimately I have to answer for my actions.... If I take inaction... I demean and hurt myself... Which, could mean I still have to answer for my inaction. If I take action, I'll most likely end up breaking a heart or two in the process... Not sure how I would handle it.. I think i'm in shock as I am still having my "wake up" moment.

I'll go to counseling August 9th by myself, but I'm not sure I have any idea of what to do August 1st for our 5th aniversary.