I am puzzled about how to meet my WH's top 3 ENs (which I believe are affection, admiration, and SF) in Plan A. He is not interested at all in SF (with me, anyway) and I have read many posts here suggesting that ILYs etc. are inadvisable during Plan A. So how do I go about meeting those ENs?

stung, you look for opportunities as they present themselves. We can't help you look for opportunities, you have to do that yourself. You won't be able to meet many EN's if your WS is detached, but you still try. And do your best to not lovebust.

Hi Stung,

I understand your question perfectly...I found MB on d-day, he filled out EN questionaire and wanted to fill H's EN's...but he was still thick in fog...I tried when I could....H's top ENs were SF, physical attractiveness, and admiration. I took care of myself...got physically fit which burned off lots of energy and beat depression, but made me toned....looked and dressed as best as I could...it was a facade...but I figured it filled H's physical attractiveness need. He would not always notice, but others did and it kept me from feeling absolutely horrible.

As far as SF goes, I would make passes at him...pinch him on the bum, brush up against him, do the hair flip back thing...lots of jr. high school stuff...anything I tried...I watched to see if it worked and when it did...I snuck up on him and let things fall into place. If I enjoyed it, I showed it and let him know.

The admiration was a tough one for me. I was not in the habit of that one and I think it was something I needed to learn. When I tried, H would reject me because he was trying to push me away. I kept trying and got alot better at it.

I

Thanks Melody and Survivor. I am worried about the SF part because the last time I tried, he made it clear he wasn't interested (I believe he said "You can't expect things to be back where they were," or something like that). It's a real ego slammer, which I can't take much more of. Thanks for your thoughts.

Can you do things such as dress seductively....etc???

I know that SF is a tough EN for most female BS's to fill....I concentrated on this EN, while filling the others too, I knew that SF was numero uno. My WH shut me down too....he would say "NO! Caren, we aren't doing that anymore"...I would sorta 1/2 growl 1/2 whisper in his ear "Saying no is such a waste of such a sexy mouth..." Stuff like that. I didn't take his saying "No" as a ego slam, I treated like a challenge. I'd say things like "How can you resist me? I'm like Candy..." Things of that nature.....he's a guy, I think you are underestimating yourself....I think you can *talk* him into letting you fulfill this EN. Try something new that your husband was interested in that you may not have been enthusiastic about. I was never ummmm proficient in a particular aspect of SF....so I made a huge effort in that department and mastered this particular thing....I was doing so many new tricks he literally said "Okay, who are you, and what'd you do with my wife?" LOL

Of course it didn't solve all my problems...not by a long shot............but plan A was something I could actually master.

Thanks Caren! Regretfully, I don't have a seductive bone in my body. I lost around 15 pounds during this and my earlier ordeal, I work all day, and he works at night. I am exhausted and I think I actually look like a ghost. The OW, on the other hand is young and nubile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <slap> Okay, right. I'm working on this. I did get a haircut and pedicure, and things are looking up a bit. I'll give one of your techniques a try when I work up my courage. I have a question though. What if he goes for it, and it's flat? I'll be miserable. That actually happened after his first A (I didn't know it was a PA at the time). It was flat and boring, and I felt like we didn't even know each other. Will that ever go away?

What happened after his first affair. How many affairs has he had against your marriage?

LM

Hi LM - The first PA (that I know about) was almost exactly one year ago. I believe it started as an EA long before that . . . I was overwhelmed working full time and dealing with our child's chronic illness . . . and I hadn't found this Board. After DDay, they continued to meet and shared a secret cell phone . . . then the 2nd A began with a co-worker in December and escalated quickly into a PA. DDay was in March. (I actually disclosed the 2nd A to the OW in the 1st A, which was a bit of a hoot). WH has never apologized, shown remorse, or made any effort to repair our M, other than coming to some MC. I am doing my best to Plan A, but am having a hard time meeting his ENs because he is so distant . . .