I am hoping to find some solid, helpful answers here.

My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years. For the most part, I have been very happy and content to stay at home and raise our three children. Hubby travels a great deal, and is sometimes gone for months at a time. The problem began, I'd say, in the last couple years. Usually, he would be gone for only a couple weeks at a time. However, in the last couple years, that time had changed into months.

Know that it isn't his being away that was affecting me. I am an extremely supportive wife. He was career military when we had met, and chose to become a 'civilan' for us. Because of this, he had to do a complete career change and he is very driven to succeed.

My problem was his detachment from us. He was no longer part of the family, but this person that would just come home to 'visit'. I was doing absolutely everything, from taking care of him and his needs to taking care of the house and finances, along with taking care of the children and doing yard work. I was keeping it all together and altho he always would thank me, I felt like a parent to him, and that bothered me. I have tried discussing with him the fact that I needed more from him, but he could not understand.

I became increasingly distraught. I felt alone, unhappy, and neglected. I felt like a broken record. I began daydreaming about an ex boyfriend that I dated for years before I met my husband. That daydreaming turned into obsession to know where this ex was, what he was doing. I had not seen or heard of him for 10 yrs.

Needless to say, I found him. I saw him twice, and was not impressed. We would talk on the phone often, a few minutes here and there. Why did I continue to talk to him? I don't know. I found it theraputic for some odd reason.

Meanwhile, back at home, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. In my eyes, there was no future anymore for us if he could not see my needs. I was not being demanding, I only wanted a partner, not another son.

We began marriage counseling and once I started talking about my issues and how he handles things, the therapist started asking him questions and determined that hubby suffers from post-traumatic stress, having other issues that stem from that. She sent him to see a doctor who prescribed hubby paxil and set up a psycologist appointment, that was unfortunately, months away.

Thru the weekly appointments, hubby changed drastically. However, I continued to phone my ex. How can I explain that talking to him assured me that staying with my husband was the best thing to do??? We never really talked long at all, but it always seemed to me that I would always feel something for my ex, and to see that I wasn't feeling anything after all just blew me away.

And then, hubby found out.

I was asleep. I woke to intense pain in my face. He had flipped the mattress, with me on it, and I smacked my face off of the bedside table. He then proceeded to beat me in the head, choking me in between, saying things I could not understand. He would then go and smash things with his fist. The tv, mirrors, anything. He took a sledge hammer to the computer. He was out of control. My 15 yr old sister, her friend and our oldest son were sleeping on the floor downstairs. As my husband stormed from the house, he took an outside, iron chair and smashed the front window of the house. Those kids were laying on the floor in front of that window. Thankfully, none were hurt.

Afterwards, he was found and arrested. My nose was broken. His parents bailed him from jail. Everyone is on his side and says it is all my fault. Nobody, except for the people closest to me who knew what I was going thru with him, can believe that hubby did anything wrong because he is so perfect. He is telling them all that I had an affair. I DID NOT.

Needless to say, he is sorry. He is seeing a new therapist, has an appointment to see a psycologist next week, and is taking an anger-management course. He wants us to work on our marriage. Especially since our pastor said that divorce was NOT an option. Hubby is OBSESSIVE over me and my ex and goes thru my things whenever he gets the chance. He keeps changing my email password, I don't know how, and reads my emails. He is obsessed with the phone bills and call records. He cannot stop thinking about it.

I did not want him to find out. I can admit that! He has always had a way with warping information until it suited him and his needs. He would not have understood my actions or believed that nothing ever happend.

Ahhh, I cannot type anymore. Any thoughts, advice or comments on this? Questions? I just need to see things clearly...outside points of view.

Sorry so long,
~hopefulromantic~

First off, I pray that you are heeling and SAFE. There is absolutely positively no excuse for your husbands behavior. Is he living in your home? Are you trying to work things out? Are you seeing dramatic changes in his behavior?

Now for the not so fun part. While your husband has made a nice target for us to throw darts at let's focus on you for a moment. Please take a moment to read through the information on this site. I believe you will find that you in fact where involved in an Emotional Affair (EA). This happened because YOU were allowing the Other Man (OM) to meet some of your emotional needs that your husband was not meeting.

So where are we at today? Have you broken off all ties with the OM and ended the EA? Are you going to work on your marriage? What's your plan? The one thing I can tell you is that you can't work on your marriage and keep in contact with the OM...PERIOD.

Thank you so much for your response.

Yes, I am safe. And healing. Still got the black eye, tho. Nose is getting better and the other bruises have faded.

My husband is currently staying with his parents, but visiting almost everyday. Today he has come out to do yard work. I DO see an amazing change in his person. He is devastated by his actions, his behaviour and sooo depressed. He has not have a drop of alcohol since this has all happend, nor does he ever want it again. He believes the meds combined with his excess drinking is what caused his irrational thinking and attack.

An emotional affair...I guess I was. I tried so hard to recieve what I wanted from my husband. How sad that I couldn't reach him until now.

Yes, I have broken all ties to my ex. No communication at all. I do not plan on contacting him. Ever. Since hubby has called and left personal threats on ex's cell phone, I doubt ex will be calling me.

I WANT to work on my marriage. I AM working on it. I am being very patient with hubby needing the constant reassurance. But, I am cautious to allow him to sleep here. I'm extremely confused. And, I am tired of everyone's opinions...they just cannot understand why I care to work things out with him. I am embarrassed, the one police officer that came to our house that night, lives right across the street from us. I feel like one of those stupid battered wives who get the snot beat out of them, just to take the husband back, just to have it happen again. I am not making excuses for him!! What happend that night was not typical behaviour from my husband.

Do you believe that it can happen again???

~hopefulromantic~

“””Yes, I am safe.”””

Good.

“””An emotional affair...I guess I was. I tried so hard to receive what I wanted from my husband. How sad that I couldn't reach him until now.”””

OK, I’m going to make you put your thinking cap on for a moment. Your husband beat the crap out of you, he owns that. You had an emotional affair, own that. And yes it is had that you chose to have an affair and he chose to beat on you. However, y’all are at a place now where everything is out in the open to work through, if you two choose to do so.

”””Yes, I have broken all ties to my ex. No communication at all. I do not plan on contacting him. Ever.”””

OK, have you done anything to establish that? You mentioned e-mails and phone conversations. Have you changed your e-mail address? Have you deleted all his e-mails and contact information?

“””I WANT to work on my marriage. I AM working on it. I am being very patient with hubby needing the constant reassurance. But, I am cautious to allow him to sleep here.”””

OK good. Yes, be cautious until you feel safe again. He has to earn your trust in that arena. He sounds like he is in a vulnerable place right now, which is good. Have you checked out the emotional needs section of this site? Might be wise to print off the EN questionnaires and complete those so he can see where he needs to place his emotional energy. There is also a comprehensive recreational activities list, why not fill that out and see what y’all could do on those weekends instead of staring at the stupid box.

“””I'm extremely confused. And, I am tired of everyone's opinions...they just cannot understand why I care to work things out with him.”””

I can understand that. He did a bad thing and it’s going to take him proving to everyone through his continual correct actions that he is not that person that threw you around like a rag doll. Most importantly, he’s going to have to prove that to you. You have got to have STRICT boundaries in place about verbal and physical aggression. If he so much as raised his hand again, I’d tell him to kick rocks. If he fails to stick to the counseling, kick rocks. If he fails to complete the anger courses, kick rocks. If he picks up the bottle, kick rocks.

“””Do you believe that it can happen again???”””

It’s impossible to predict someone’s future behavior. I can tell you that I’m a different person than I was 2 years ago, but that happened when I had a complete willingness to change. It appears that he has that willingness but I would take things extremely slow ensuring that protection for you and the kids is in the front of your mind at all times.

I thank you for answering me again.

I know that this is going to be a hard thing for us to overcome. We have both been hurt and let down by each other. I do believe that we can make it. And I want to make it. I never wanted to be divorced. I just wanted my husband.

I am finding this site extremely informative. I also purchased 'His Needs, Her Needs' yesterday. My husband read the first chapter this morning and said it is amazing. I have also bought 'Relationship Rescue' by Dr. Phil. I donot know what everyone here thinks of Dr. Phil, but sometimes the man DOES make clear sense.

I am hopeful...

There's nothign wrong with Dr. Phil. He's kind of light and fluffy at times, but I find his books better than the shows.

Anythign that helps is good. Just make sure you understand the concepts behind the "lists of things to do", because that's the really important stuff.

Today I am worried that my hubby has gone to look for the ex I was communicating with. He has made a few comments to me that implied he would.

We were supposed to go out on his bike together this afternoon, but after dropping our son off for football, he came home and said that he would rather just be by himself. He seemed odd to me and I just can't shake the feeling that that's where he has gone.

If this what he's doing, and if he would cause any type of damage to the ex, how should I deal? If I become upset, would I not be sticking up for the ex? If I blow it off, then wouldn't that show hubby that his behaviour is 'normal'?

I just wish I knew where he was!!

You don't have to stick up for your ex, he's an ex, he's responsible for taking care of himself. Sticking up for your ex sends a very conflicting message to your H.

THe fact that you are worried about the ex seems to send amessage that you still have some kind of care or concern for him, and haven't cut the cord completely.

Have you looked at the material on this site with respect to recovering from affairs (and an EA counts), that NC is part of it (which includes you thinking about it), and how to restore trust.

In the meantime, your H's violent rage is something that concerns me more. How long ago was this scene with the window and mattress? Because people that did it once, will do it again, and if by safe you mean you don't think your H will do anything, you're not being realistic.

All in all, there are several threads going through the problem, and I would encourage you to seek professional counseling as well, even if you only get IC for yourself. But I am concerned for your safety.

I only meant sticking up for my ex in a way that would extend to anyone. You just donot go around beating people up!! I am disturbed by that kind of violence. Yeah, I understand that hubby was not only hurt by me, he was hurt by my ex (whom hubby does not know) too. But, just because hubby was able to take his rage out on me (and my body) does not mean he should now go and take it out on ex.

The night my husband went psyco was only two weeks ago on Thursday. Sure, he has shown a violent side before, but he has always seemed to be able to control it. You donot think that anyone is able to overcome and control destructive habits? You don't think my husband deserves another chance? He is aware how he beat me that night and claims to have felt out of his body. Without control. I semi believe that because if he was out of control, then while he was choking me, why did he stop?

I appreciate your advice, and hope to find it again. Please understand also, that I will admit that phoning my ex and seeing him but twice could constitue as an EA, but it hardly went very deep or lasted very long. All ties have been severed.

As much as I want to trust my husband, he wants to trust me too. We want our marriage to work. He was told during his last psycologist visit that he needs to learn how to control the way his mind thinks. Will he ever? I don't know. But I donot want to give anyone the idea that I don't care, when I do.

I just feel very confused, very frustrated, and worried that hubby is out there causing someone else physical harm.

Explain to me why you allow yourself to continue in this relationship wiht physical violence as an acceptable form of expression? (You may not, but he does).

And note, I'm not saying get a divorce, I'm asking why you are remaining in a place of danger, possibly endangering others, because your H is has a *serious* problem with anger?

Why did you not call the police after the first explosion? So he could possibly get some court-ordered help?

If you're *really* worried that your H is gong to cause somebody harm, then you should call the police. Being your H doesn't get him a free pass, he has responsibilities in basic human qualities that he must live up to.

This issue isn't about a relationship, this is about a demonstrably violent man.

And you can bet your last dollar on there is *nothing* you can do to force him to change. You can't make him control it, you can't make him change it, you can't even make him see it.

And quite frankly, I don't see how any progress will be made *until* that issue is addresses fully.

I am happy to report that hubby did not seek out ex. Well, he may have been looking for the ex, but did not find him. I do not know, I didn't ask.

I was told by my pastor that divorce is not an option. I, in fact, do not want a divorce. I cannot see myself as a single mother. I stay with him because I feel he will get better. He was taking paxil, which I didn't feel was the right med for him, but the soonest he could get in to see a psychiatrist wasn't until after this all happend. His new appointment is today. I look forward to hearing what the doctor has to say. Also, please understand that yes, his actions were scary and uncalled for, but his world came crashing down around him. He was absolutely devastated. I DO love my husband and am sorry this has all happend. I feel completely responsible and because of that I will not seek divorce at this time.

He is seeing a psycologist and our pastor weekly. I do feel this is something that can be overcome. However, if he would act inappropriately, I will take the right course of action and file for divorce. Including if he would 'go after' the ex involved. Now, that isn't because I am sticking up for my ex. It's because I view that as unnecessary and dangerous.

I am not the one forcing change onto hubby. He is the one who was scared by his actions of abuse that night. He is the one looking for answers on why and how to prevent it from happening again. This is another reason why I am choosing to stay married. HE wants to be better.

I can only pray that the Lord brings healing into hubby's heart and mind. And into me.

Why do you feel responsible? Regardless of anything you do, he has to *choose* his response. You didn't hold a gun to his head.

Be careful taking on guilt that isn't yours.