Long story short - 2 1/5 yrs. ago, my sis (who lives across the country) ended her marriage to an abusive husband - he abused her emotionally and one of her children sexually (she left when she discovered this). He was convicted and will never see the light of day again. She found herself a single mom of 3. In walk Prince Charming - provided all the emotional support and I am guessing financial that she needed. Turns out Prince Charming is married - I have heard all the typical - they are living seperate lives, he will leave her when the kids are older, his wife knows about her, etc.

At the time he entered her life - she was an emotional wreck - depression, denial, anger, fear - you name it - please think about what she went through - it was horrifying. She is getting stronger and finally got herself a job which is why I think I might now be able to get through to her better than I did in the past. I used to really try - I sent her books on ending affairs (even though she doesn't see it that way), told her if men don't leave within a year of the affair - they are not looking to end their marriage, etc. Deaf ears.

My biggest concern at the moment is that one of her children was visiting me last week and mentioned this man numerous times....her kids obviously have established a relationship with this man and it kills me that they will lose yet another important male figure in their life. My sis is definately emotionally damaged with low self esteem and fears. She was never with anyone prior to her ex husband and that lasted 16 years with her being controlled and depressed (we now know why).

I thought about sending my sister here but am unsure as some people here might target her with their anger and I don't know if she is emotionally stable enough to handle that. but if I do get some good advice handled with kid glvoes - I am thinking about sending it to her. You would be helping a great many if you think you have anything that I might be able to get through to her. Thank you.

Happy, if your sis came here with desire to end the A she may get support but remember this is a marriage building site. Your sis is not married. You may get her to read here and see how much hurting there is caused by A's but it could be that everything you do falls on deaf ears. Best of luck to you.

I know this site is marriage building but it is also the best I have found with info on affairs and I haven't found any other discussion forum that deals with it intelligently. I do apologize if writing here does offend anyone.

You did not offend me but you do have to keep in mind that many people here are hurting from precisely what your sis is doing. The fact that she did not know in the beginning does factor in but now that she knows, she really needs to end it with him. I think there is a site for those trying to end A's but I am not sure which one. Stay tuned and see if someone else chimes in. Don't go away, ok?

Ok - thank you.

I don't know if it is such a good idea. With due respect, I think you are severely underestimating the depth of her problem.

Sex abuse requires a very strange family dynamic. Both parents usually share the blame when it occurs. People who don't know anything about sex abuse have no idea what they are dealing with.

Obviously, she has some severe emotional problems, and she is using the A as a prop. Your sister may really need this relationship just to get by from day to day, no matter how flawed it is.

She needs significant and intensive counseling. Her needs far exceed what can be done for her here.

Thank you for your reply, I don't underestimate it - the whole family (extended included) have been through hell on this one. I have done all I can to encourage additional therapy for her and her children - the only insurance she has is for victims through the state. I will try again to get her to a better therapist.

Happyforever:

Don't get me going on sex abuse...(I dealt with sex abuse cases as a prosecuting attorney for 4 "wonderful" years.)

In the usual case, the mother is as much of an emotional mess as the father. Often, there is a very odd "belief system" held by the father and mother which allows the sex abuse to occur. I don't think a child ever fully recovers from the abuse and the aftermath.

It is going to take years for her to get through this. A quick read of "His needs,her needs" isn't going to do it.

IMHO, the odds are that if she ends this A, she will simply get into another doomed relationship.

I still don't know everything about what happened - but he was sentenced to 99 years which tells me it was horrific. My sis will not talk about it - a lot of denial - I can access the county records to see his felony charges/conviction - but how do I get further info on what he did? I thought you might know - not sure what state you are from. Off the original subject but obviously this is the main issue in the end.

99 years? holy sh*t. The guy must have been satan's child. I doubt that you could even guess what the guy did.

For him to have been sentenced to 99 years requires some really extensive abuse. In my experience, sentences like that are only given to abusers who are habitual--abusers with a history of sex abuse that stretches back for years. Sex abuse, for this type of sentence, usually consists of oral and anal sex over a long period of time along with some kind of real kinky behavior for a kicker. (I got to the point where I was thinking, "Well, at least it was only oral sex.") I've got stories that would make your hair stand on end.

Every state is pretty much the same as to criminal law--get the original indictment or complaint against him. It will be the first document in the criminal file. It will say something like,

"The state of Montana says that BAD GUY did on January 1, 2005, commit the following acts in the TOWN of Nowhere, COUNTY of Nothing, STATE of MONTANA, to wit: (list of things he did)."

In a sex abuse case, you usually charge someone with one specific instance of the abuse that you can easily prove (for example, January 1, 2005 at 10:40 PM). When you sentence the guy, then you show that the guy continually abused the kids for a period of time.

You also might be able to get a copy of the pre-sentence invesitgation report, which is a detailed study of the guy and the victim.

Please, be cautious about this. The problems with the victims and the mother are very deep and complex. The kids are pscyhological wrecks and out-of-control. The mother, no matter how flawed, is all they have. It is an incredibly sad situation.

The ability of "normal people" to help is pretty limited--which is why the sex abuse can go on for so long. Most people can't even imagine that kind of stuff goes on.

I never looked into it because I couldn't handle it - imaging what happened sickened me and considering the sentence (which actually was 2 terms of 99 years and 1 of 25 - new judge who was elected based on his stance on crimes against children) - I knew it was beyond my imagination - I guess I don't really need to know. I thank you for your response - I will try to figure out some other way to help them - I can't believe this happened and guess I want to believe my sis could move on to normal life and right now thought the married man is keeping her in yet another bad relationship. I just don't want these kids hurt any further. (kids - oldest who was abused is really screwed up but just joined the Navy - younger 2 appear to be thriving but I do know they are very damaged)