D-day was about two weeks ago. My WS says the A has ended. We had a good talk and shared our EN and LB's She seemed very open and honest. She shared some thoughts and feelings that she knew would bother me, which is very good progress for her. She says she doesn't know whether she wants to work on the M. Reasons, "married young, never had a chance to be her own person", "needs to find herself", "doesn't want to hurt me anymore", "not sure she has the strength to put in the time", "doesn't think Plan A will work" (I haven't said plan A, but she gets the idea). I tell her I understand, tell her she doesn't have to committ to anything, say she can have the time to sort things out, explained my boundaries, etc. I just tell her I don't think a separation is a good idea.

Do WS just block out Plan A? Are there people that meeting there EN's has no effect? What else can you do?

Should I agree to a separation or just try to continue the dialogue. I keep thinking I'm gonna come home one day and she's just gonna be gone or tell me that her minds made up.

Is there a way to "turbo charge" plan A?

Feel like the more I try to talk to her, not be judgemental, be respectful, the more comfortable she is with the idea of telling me she's moving out. What are the good reasons for not having a separation, if it comes to that? Should I back off, and not encourage to tell me her thoughts while still in an emotional state. She says her heart is telling her to leave, and her head is making her stay. IS that backwards?

She is under the influence of an addictive affair and cannot respond right now to your overtures. She is detached from you. As she withdraws from the OM, she will draw to you as long as you are an attractive alternative. Just have patience, your work has just begun.

And don't even consider seperation! There are NO GOOD REASONS for a seperation. It only prevents you frm working on your marriage and greatly increases the risk of divorce.

Thanks for the advice. When you say under the influence, does that neccessarily mean the A continues? Or does it mean she is still in withdrawal? She says she ended the A and I tend to believe her. I'm not trying to be naive, but the evidence I found about the affair was a letter, where the OM was lamenting that she had told the OM that she was not going to continue the A. It was in a stack of letters, all were over 3 months old and this particular one was the last one.

If the A is over, is it smart to talk to your WS about the addictive nature of the affair. To explain to them about withdrawal and ask them not to make any decisions while in this state. Or does this just make matters worse if they deny they are in withdrawal?

rprynne, withdrawal starts when contact ends. And maybe you are right about contact being ended, but she seems very distracted for someone who is 3 months away frm the end of the affair. Could they still be in contact via email or phone?

And you might explain this phenomena to her, but she likely won't agree or recognize it. Just do your best to avoid "educating" her, because that will push her away.

Give her time, rprynne, as long as contact has ended, she will come out of it. But I do wonder if contact has, in fact, ended.

ML - I too have some doubts about the A having ended. All I have is my eyes, ears and suspicions.

Also - does it make a difference that we were apart for the three months that she says the affair was no longer going on? For her job, she had to work out of state. (I sometimes think this was part a one-sided separation) I did not found out about the A until after she returned.

So, I'm struggleing with is she still so distracted becuase the out of state work allowed her to continue the A and it still continues, or still distracted because she has been alone for 3 mos and withdrawal is taking a long time.

Believe me when I say, evry single word that you said in your post is almost word for word what my wife tells me. It is very hard to hear, and I still don't know how to deal with it appropriately.

I'm coming to realize more and more every day that the script was writen many many years ago, and it's almost a handbook for every WS. Whether or not we can get through the fog is the question for the BS.

I don't have an answer or a way to heal, but I know through this board that it can happen, sometimes it takes years though.

The best thing to do is to quietly investigate as best you can. Check cell phone records, tap phones, install a keylogger. How do you think they would be communicating if they are?

I guess last night I screwed up. I don't know anymore. The night before my WW had agreed to work on the M. Yesterday, I called and asked if she wanted to go out with some friends for dinner on fri. She said we needed to talk about it, cause she couldn't commit to dinner. Couldn't commit to a dinner two days from now? I talked to her last night, and was trying to do the best Plan A I could, but she said she wanted to leave on a trip for 2 weeks so she could sort things out. This after she's been gone for 3.5 months and we've barely seen each other for 2.5 years. I asked if I gave her a couple of weeks did she feel like she would sort things out. She said she couldn't committ anything.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't accept another night of being at home waiting for her call/come. I respectfully told her that I couldn't do this and if she needed time apart I would move out. I'm just tired of being the one who sits at home and takes care of real life while she goes out and lives her fantasy life. She is just so determined to be away from me no matter what I do. Me and our home are the icon of her guilt and pain. Everything I say or do hits her steel wall of an inner voice that says "run, run, get out, get out". I guess the fog is to thick or the A continues.

I'm sure everyone here will tell me I did the wrong thing, but I just can't volunteer for this kind of pain again. What now? I'm lost.

It sounds to me like the affair is still going on. Please don't leave your home.

Where is she living now?

Yes, it sounds that way to me. She is adamant that the A is over, and I gave her every opp. to talk about it. Its possible she is still in withdrawal, since she says the A ended right before she moved out the first time. Maybe being alone is making her withdrawal go slower. Maybe the move out was continuing the A. I just don't know.

Anyway, I've already left my home. Like I said, I know everyone will say this is wrong, but if I stayed home, she was going to leave. I guess I'm weak or something, but after 2.5 years of me letting her go out while I stay at home, 3.5 months of her leaving to find herself, and her still unable to committ to 4 days together, I just couldn't do it. It's one of the main reasons I ended up here. I tried everything to convince her to stay at home for just awhile, but she wouldn't do it.

So, if I screwed up, what can I do now, short of moving back in and letting her go off to find herself. I can't do that.

Sorry - your other question - she's living at our house right now, but doesn't know if she is going to stay there

That is EXACTLY what you should do. Move back in and let her know that you are not her jailer, and can't keep her against her will. But it is time for her to move out, while she "finds" herself.

And you need to continue on living a good life, not waiting at home for her.

I know - but I don't think I can do it? She says every time I say "i love you", it hurts her?

Stop saying it.

Why did she start going to bars by herself?

How long have you been married? Kids?

Her job involves many social functions. Entertaining clients, etc. We both were commuting to work about 1.5 hrs one way. At first it was just getting home later and later from the business meetings, then hanging at with friends from work, then conventions and conferences on weekends. It was like boiling a frog in water, one day I looked up and realized she was never home anymore. I didn't set out to wait around at home, but at first, it was just normal waiting for the W to get home from work so we could do something. Then the wait just got longer and longer. Then I started offering to meet her at her after work business/social things. She refused, and I didn't push becuase I thought I was giving her space than she wanted. I live so far from my coworkers, and never took the time to make friends where I live, so it just kind of happened. I know now what a huge mistake that was, but hindsight is 20/20.

Been married 14 years, no kids (we lost one about two years ago, and had been trying again for the last year and half), these is about the time that things really started going downhill.

I am taking your advice - called the WW and told her I would come back to the house tonight. Told her this is hard for me, but if she has to leave, she has to. Asked her to seek some help from family/friends or counseling. She just can't hear me anymore. She promised again on the phone that the A was over.

That sounds like a good plan. Let her be the one to move out. Then you need to get a life. Get busy doing something. Force yourself.

The affair is still ongoing, rprynne. Do you know who she is having the affair with? I bet this has been going on for a few years now, which will make it much harder to recover from. The longer the affair, the more detached she is from you and the attached she is to OM.

Believer is right, you can't leave your home, that is a bad move. Where does she spend the nights?

Just a thought.

It might not be the same affair, now. Quite a few WS and FWS get over the first A by quickly having another.

So when she says the A is over, she may feel she is telling the truth, in a twisted sort of way.