Hi,<P>My fiance and I've been together for 6 years. We separated for a year after he went to jail on fraud charges (this happened once before and he went to jail for six hellish months); he was unfaithful to me but we managed to work everything out and had a stronger relationship than ever. During his time in jail we agreed on a couple of rules: (1) when he's in jail I'm a single woman, and (2) a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy for whatever I chose to do when he was in prison. When he was previously incarcerated I had a short relationship which I told him about and which he completely accepted. We became engaged just two months ago, six months after he was released.<P>Recently my fiance's parole was suspended and he's been back in jail for a few months (out next month). I have a very close male friend to whom I've always been attracted and you can probably guess the rest. My friend has told me that he loves me and wants to build a life with me, but I love him only as a friend. I made the first move toward my friend, I felt so alone. My friend never would have risked losing me as a friend by making a romantic overture - he's never, not even now, said anything against my fiance. My friend wants me to break my engagement to my fiance and instead have a relationship with him. I am so tortured - I love my friend, but I know he is not my true love. I don't want to hurt anybody...<P>I truly and deeply love my fiance but I hate the waiting, I hate the loneliness and the suffering I endure when he is in jail. I haven't done anything wrong, so why do I always end up suffering? I don't know whether or not I've cheated because I resent my fiance for doing what he's done (his past infidelity, criminal behaviour, jail time) or because something inside of me has decided that our relationship has to come to an end because it costs me more than it gives. I don't want to end my relationship with my fiance, I love him so much it hurts, but I hate being alone. I hate being an afterthought in his life when everything else seems to comes first and I have no power or say in what happens...<P>I've tried to tell myself that, according to our rules, I've technically done nothing wrong. It all rings so hollow though... To make matters worse, when my fiance gets out he will be staying at the same halfway house that my friend works at, so they will without a doubt be in almost constant contact! There is no way to break off this relationship withough crushing my friend and I don't want to do that, not only because I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to risk him telling my fiance about our time together. <P>*arrgh* It is a horribly complex situation! I know that no matter what, at least two peoples' hearts will be broken. <P>Am I a horrible person? I feel like a complete jerk. I was alone and selfishly chose to be with somebody when I could have waited. Now the somebody whom I only wanted comfort from has confessed they want so much more from me. It is impossible to distance myself without breaking my friend's heart and crushing their dreams. I also truly love my fiance and wish I'd had the strength to wait but I was so weak and alone...<P>Please help me out. I'm so very confused. Any advice would be appreciated.<P>Thank you, Naaya

I am not sure if this is the correct response for you, but...<P>Why do you want to be with this man? I sounds as if he is really messed up to keep ending up in jail and then you are a single woman when he is. This sounds very strange to me. I guess if I were in this situation I would break it off with him until he gets his life in order. Explore your feelings with your friend. He sounds like he cares more about you than your fiance.<P>I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you are not even married and having such a tough time with him, do you really think marriage will make it any better? And do you plan to have children? I would not want to bring children into this mess either. I think you really need some time and some space to work through your own feelings.<P>Good luck to you! I know this is a tough decision.

Naaya:<P>If you're going by a strict interpretation of "the rules" as you set them out, then, NO, you haven't cheated. BUT . . . <P>The reason you're feeling guilty is because in your heart, you know you HAVE cheated. If your commitment to your fiance were as strong as you would like to believe that it is, you wouldn't have needed to fulfill your needs with someone else.<P>Yes, I understand that it's lonely when he's in jail and you can't be with him. However, TRUE love is strong enough to withstand the temptations of the physical world, strong enough to endure the hardest of times.<P>What exactly is it that you find so loveable about your fiance? What are the things about him that you want to have with you for the rest of your life?<P>You should be asking yourself if this man is the right person for you. If you can answer that with an unequivocal "yes" then, in my mind, you forsake all others. That's just the way I think. If that's not the relationship you two have in mind, then I don't think you should worry about your encounter with another man. You're within the rules you set out. <P>But, I think you're going to find that it will be impossible for him to "not ask", and when you do tell him, it's going to be a hard thing to deal with.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Hi,<P>Wow, Naaya - when I read your post it is so similar to my own experience that it's scary. I too was tempted, in almost exactly the same way, but I managed not to go off that path - instead I found myself delving into depression and loneliness.<P>You should tell your friend the truth about how you feel. It is your responsibility to be strong now and do what is right. I know it will be hard, but it is what you must do. Should you tell your fiance? My advice would be not to tell him if you feel it would hurt him greatly - after all, confession will only make you feel better, not your fiance. It is true, you didn't technically do anything wrong, but in your heart, like LS said, you know you have done wrong. You have to acknowledge this, learn from it, and move on... <P>Be strong, Naaya. I feel your pain as if it were my own. At least here you can talk with others who understand. <P>{{{big hugs}}}<P>Elixir