You mean the WARNING email?

On your phone, dial *67, wait for dial tone, and then dial the #. It will show up as "private number" on OM's caller ID.

WNH..I want to also hit on her attitude. If my XW gets belligerent, over reacts with anger about something she is lying to me. I only wish I knew then what I know now.

Mel is 100% correct. That is in no way a no contact letter it is a warning. she will falter and contact will continue. Her belligerance should serve as a source of inspiration. It should drive you into action. You will only regret your inaction at this point.

Thanks all. Just spoke with OMW. I think she'll call me back shortly, to arrange a meeting for later today. I want to meet her in person and show her some evidence so she'll know I'm not some crackpot.

My thought is to contact family and a few friends soon after that meeting. Maybe I can co-ordinate the timing with OMW so we hit 'em all at once. I'll point her to MB of course for her own support.

<Just curious: I don't remember any threads that say "OMG some guy just called to tell me my husband has been having an affair with his wife, and suggeted I go to MB for support!" Wonder why that is. I would have thought a lot of betrayed spouses would point the OMW/OMH to this site.>

Anyway I think there's a 50% chance or so that WW will file for divorce as threatened. But then we were going down the crapper anyway. When I expose to family etc I'll probably tell them we're likely to get a divorce over this - per WW's threat - and WW and our kids could use some love and support. I don't expect WW's relatives to support me.

When I talk with her relatives, should I be explicit about the A? Or just allude to it something like "we've been having some serious problems caused by WW over the last 4 months but I'll let you find out from WW what is the cause.."

Suggestions? More 2x4s? Thx as always for your help.

bump

Congrats! You've done the right thing. Prepare for her to be as mad as you've ever, or perhaps, NEVER seen her before. She'll say what about your promise, and try to turn everything on earth against you.

You, you stay calm. You advise her that this is one step that you took, to bring an end to the affair. You tell her you did that because you love her, and you feel the marriage can heal, if the OM is out of the picture.

Be careful with your further exposure. Think about people close to you, important in yours and your W's lives. How will they react? Will they be an ally for your marriage, or will they advise you to cut and run? Will they hold this over your W's head forever? I'd advise those close friends of your wife, and let them know you are only interested in saving the marriage, and would appreciate their help. Even if you "know" they already know, hearing it from you personally will likely get them on "your" side, and give your wife advice that is helpful to your cause. Likewise with her brothers and sisters. I'd be reluctant to tell her parents, unless a second round of wider exposure becomes necessary... that can bite you in the backside, as blood is thicker than water. Whomever you expose to, do it factually, without blame or name calling or in any other way than loving, caring and as a man just trying to help his marriage have a chance to heal.

Remember, your W will probably be berzerk! YOU stay calm, and remember your mantra... I did this because I love you and want to give our marriage a chance. Don't let her angry state lead you into a fight, LoveBusters, or any other ugly exchange. It will take her a few days to "cool down". Treat her will care, and back off on any relationship talks. Don't be afraid to call a time out, and just tell her things are too emotional right now, you won't continue the conversation until things have cooled down.

Thanks for posting to Slash... I hope your exposure will be a huge positive for YOU, and an inspiration for Slash. Very thoughtful of you!

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks as ever Shattered. I have to ask a followup question.. don't go away please I'll post in a sed.

oops meant sec. Here's the question. WW sent the NC letter ('warning' leter) to OM's home email just yday. Potentially OMW could read it there, and could say she found out about the A that way - so she wouldn't necessarily have to mention me. That was I could stay in the background. It's the coward's way for sure, and not likely to work. But it perhaps gives our M a slightly better chance?

Or do I really have to tell WW that I informed OMW.

Does it help to know that WW's one living parent had an A many years ago, and that 3 (of 4) siblings have been betrayed? Does that imply that they are good candidates to be informed? Or NOT good candidates..
Thx

Also exactly what should I ask OMW to do? I think I want to leave it on her desk, i.e. my goal is to end all contact, and hopefully she agrees. If so, what does SHE think is the best way to do that?

I'm floundering here.

Hmmmmm... do you have any easy questions? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

The best platform to build a new and better marriage upon is one of Harley's principals... Absolute Honesty and Openness. One has to start somewhere, right?

Lets just go with exposing to the closest circle of your W's friends that you mentioned in a previous post. I still think hearing it from you makes them strong allies of your marriage. Leave her family out of it for now, saving that for a later exposure as necessary.

Others may disagree with me on this. Others reading this forum are encouraged to offer advice and support to "weneed", as well... hint, hint, hint.

Make sure you share all evidence that you have with the OM's W so he can't overwhelm her with Bullsh*t and convince her you're just some crazy, jealous husband.

Staying calm through all this, when your W finds out is the MOST important part of this process, remember that!

Job well done!

Best wishes,
SD

Meeting is on for a couple hours from now. Not sure if we'll decide to confront tonight, or what...seems like there's always a good reason to wait. Ok save the 2x4s I know it should be now, tonight, immediately, not tomorrow.
Thanks Shattered.

You got it, we. I added a post to get you some other ideas and help.

Keep your conversation comfortable and empathetic with OM's W. She may already suspect, or already know somethings up, but not to what extent.

Yes, you should tell her about this site, and about Harley's book, Surviving an Affair.

She may be paralyzed with fury at her H, and may want to leave him immediately. You might want to tell her if she thinks she'll consider saving her marriage, to become educated with MB before she does too much.

Also, be careful... two people who's spouses have had an affair can be VERY vulnerable... so don't share much personal information, and console each other too much... boundaries... you know!

I'm leaving town later today, but I'll check on you until I leave.... pulling for you every step of the way!

BW
SD

When we talked on the phone she was calm and cool. A bit skeptical at first, but I think she believes me. I'm sure she will after we meet.

It's really an unknown isn't it. What if they have an open marriage and she thinks it's quaint to expect fidelity? What if she wants a divorce already and this just gives her the ammo? Then OM and WW would REALLY be able to go at it. What if she has OM and 3 goons waiting for me? Etc. Lots and lots and lots of unknowns here.

Just making excuses. I think it will go fine. Just not completely sure what to ask for though. Gotta run. Will check back tonight. Thx again.

She will most likely be as crushed as you were when she's facing the truth about her Husband's infidelity. Good luck!

SD

It is extremely important that your W know that it was YOU who busted her. In fact, I would inform her of this fact RIGHT AWAY. She needs to know that you are willing to go to any length to save your marriage and will not tolerate her affair.

Did you leave your phone # OMW and make plans to stay in contact?

p.s. GREAT JOB, wnh! You just turned into a KNIGHT from a SERF! Don't back down now. You are killing the affair, so don't let it back up.

WNH,

Before your meeting, write down what you must. Take a friend or SIL or a confident so OMW's W won't feel alone. If it's too late for that, make sure the meeting is in an open place and bring a couple packets of tissue.

What to write:

1. d/d notification, date and even time if you have it.
2. duration of the A
3. EA/PA info
4. Future contact method.
5. Intro to MB if you feel safe doing so.
6. If she is open to MB suggestions, recommend SAA and HnHn.
7. Encourage her to seek MC support. Preferably one familar
with MB principals.

Before you unload, ask her how much would you like her to tell you. Some don't want to know, so watch her tolerance level. You can always meet another time. Let her know your need to let her know you are not being vindictive or vengeful, you thought she had a right to know and how she deals with it is up to her. If you want to offer support you can but you must be cautious for your family's sake.

Thank her for the time she made to meet with you, let her know there is support and help available. There are also plans to help her recover for herself and even her M if her H decides to stop being a WS.

take care,
L.

Whew! That was lots of reading! GREAT JOB!!!!

OM's W will be completely devastated. When my WH's OW's husband came home from fighting in Iraq, my WH swore that he already knew about the affair, and that they had an open marriage. I exposed to him anyway. He didn't have a clue, and was very upset. And I walked down to their home, knocked on the door and told OW that I would like to speak with her husband.

He knew at once that I was telling the truth, like different pieces of a puzzle fitting together.

We have kept in contact for 2 and a half years now. He has been a wonderful support, and good source of information.

What did you mean by "confronting?" Were the two of you going to confront the infidels?

ATTABOY !!!

You have shocked WW and OM today. They never dreamed you'd have the sand and audacity to fight for your marriage in such a courageous way !

GREAT WELL DONE !

WHOOO !

Your WW will be as angry as a rattler caught by his [email]b@lls[/email] in a rusty mouse trap now. She'll writhe and spit like she's on a hook.

Its MOST important that you PLAN A like the KNIGHT YOU ARE now.

"I am sorry you are upset, I had to do what I felt was right for our marrige. I aill always do that".

Soak it up. Do not remonstrate with her. Do not try to teach her or tell het that according to Harley sh ewill withdraw now.

Juts be a lighthouse , divert your taker and soak it up like a KNIGHT.

Muchas grandes cajones amigo !

This British stranger is VERY proud of you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* TERRIBLE typos correced., thanks CarenMC ! * blush *

Oh, and what to expect from her......hmmmmm, let me find the list. She will say that now you have done it, it's divorce time, she did want to work on the marriage, but not now, this is the last straw, she can't trust you, how could you do it, how could you hurt his family, and blah, blah, blah.

If she says anything different, please advise me, as I am compiling a list.

Hi WeNeed-

I haven't posted to you before, but I am cheering for you!! Good job contacting OMW.......I'm dying to hear how the meeting went, BUT don't stop there.......do they work together?? If so, expose at work. Does her family know?? Do her friends know???? You need to expose to everyone that has any influence over OM or WW.

Good Luck,

-Caren