Thank you all for your support. Meeting went well. OMW was cool and calm, but admitted she would probably cry after the meeting.

Tonight she will discuss with OM. She feels fairly sure he will give her a good read as to the true state of OM's relationship with WW. OMW will call me tomorrow morning with feedback.

Also about the same time tonight, WW will return from a daytrip. I'll tell her. Batten down the hatches!


Hypothetical Question: suppose the A isn't physical, and in fact is more of a buddy relationship, at least on OM's part. (WW seems much more deeply involved though). If so, is there any any chance at all that WW and OM could tone it down to just an occasional bike ride together, and dinner out as couples with me and OMW? To the experienced and hard-bitten cynics here I"m sure that sounds pretty goofy. You'll say kill this vampire for good, don't let it come back to life. Right?

I will also call her 3 closest friends that she's been confiding in. Also our MC. Maybe they can talk her down a bit, or at least get her to delay her D plans awhile.

I'll call her siblings too. Those are trickier, WW might feel even more coerced. My thought is to say only (very very brief) "WW and I are having a really tough time now, probably heading for D. WW could really use some support now, if you get a sec to call her". No mention of the A. The sibs will no doubt pry it out of WW but it will be WW that offers the info not me.

Bad news: OMW and OM aren't that tight. She says she's not meeting his needs at all; after a couple of rounds of MC they decided to more or less go their separate ways. Not good; it seems WW meets his needs fairly well.

Thx again for all your support. More info tomorrow.

Let me put it this way. WE WILL KILL YOU IF YOU EVEN ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT! NONONONONO!

If my meaning was not clear enough, let me state it again:

NO, NO, and ****** NO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ok, now that we have that out of the way, I want to say that I think you handled this situation quite splendidly and we are all most proud of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am most honored to be speaking to a KINGHT rather than a serf.

We will be here to help you with the fallout of telling your W. She will be furious, but just remind yourself that it is for the best. You did the right thing for your marriage, my friend.


wnh, I would plan on telling them the truth. They can't help if they don't know the truth and it is wrong to just tell them half the truth. Give them the opportunity to support you in saving your marriage.

Your W is already going to be mad about exposure, might as well make it worth it and do what is truly best for your marriage. Don't go timid on us now.

And please DO NOT even mention D. To anyone. Tell your W that you will discuss ways to save your marriage and are not open to any discussion of divorce. She will threaten to D because she is mad, but do not take her seriously because it is textbook and will blow over when she is not mad anymore.

Dr. Harley:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

con'd at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Crud. WW's sister called last night, 12-yo son overheard the D talk and was crying. WW told him "don't worry we'll try to work things out and no matter what happens it's not your fault". That's just dandy.

Hang in there and batten down the hatches. It is sad for your son, but now the truth is out. She needs to see the results of her choices. Hopefully it will help knock her out of the fog.

It's really sad. Too bad WW couldn't have been more careful on the phone to keep him from hearing. That's the very last thing I wanted to happen. He seems ok today, but I or we should probably talk to him again later today.

I didn't see WW last night. Just told her a minute ago that I'd met with OMW; felt I had to in defense of our M. Tears, she said "I can't believe you betrayed me", then she walked away. More tearful than angry. Called WW's sis and asked her to call WW again since she's particularly upset today.

WNH ou can alow anything in yoru life that you wish.

just know that allowing contact with OW is a rough ride for as long as it happens.

You probably can't recover your marriage while that happens.

Thanks bOb. Just got feedback from OMW. She's pretty confident OM was straight with her when she confronted him last night.

Sounds like WW and OM pursued each other for the first month, after that WW was the pursuer, while OM realized it wasn't something he wanted. He's just been polite in responding/chatting for the last 2 months or so. Last time they saw each other was about 6 weeks ago.

According to OMW there's been no sex. The story agrees with with WW told me: WW sort of threw herself at him, he declined and it never went anywhere sexually. Relying on OMW here, but as I said she thinks she's getting it straight. But them WW and OM could have just co-ordinated stories..

OMW will ask OM to stop all contact. She thinks he will do that. WW hasn't been able to stop contact, sounds like she's infatuated.

Assuming OM can enforce NC: How long will it take before WW starts to come out of the fog? That's a really important question to me. If it takes a month, we may be a good way along in divorce proceedings by that time.

I don't have any more bullets short of asking for a D myself, and I don't want to do that. So I'll probably just stop talking about the A with WW. She'll probably like that, she's said many times she desperately needs a breather from A talk. Instead I'll work in a less-intense fashion on underlying M problems. That's what WW wanted anyway, but has been pushed to 2nd topic in favor of the more important (extremely!) topic of establishing NC.

I desperately need her to come out of the fog!!!! Can't think of any more things to do, can you?

I just have to add: it would have been better if WW were the one to cut off contact. If OM is the one to cut off all contact, WW will truly hate me for taking away her bicycling/hanging out friend & confidant.

Is there somewhere a guide for what to do immediately after exposing? What do I do to smoothe her feelings/calm her down etc?

We told you she would be angry and hate you. But who cares? You are being a man, and stepping up to save your family.

Look at Gramns wife. She is still not happy with him, and he exposed around the first week of July. But she is willing to go to counseling now, and is thinking of stopping the D, which she already filed.

Hang in there. There is not too much you can say to ease her pain. The OW will probably dump her, now that the affair is outed. Sooner or later, your wife will see that you are the one that has always been there for her.

It makes no difference who dumps who. The important thing is for the affair to end.

When she talks to you about it, just let her know that you will do what it takes to save your marriage. Don't argue.

It really makes no difference in the long run who ended the affair. As she comes out of the fog she will see things differently anyway.

And you did not take away her friend at all. She is a free adult woman and he is a free adult man who can do whatever they want.

I would simply stay in Plan A for right now and avoid lovebusters while she rides out withdrawal. Her withdrawal will take several weeks so just keep coming here and we will help you through it.

What divorce proceedings?

no D proceedings yet but she had promised. today she was gathering 'evidence' to present to a judge. I don't think she understands how it works.

wnh, don't get too concerned. Most of them do make this threat but never follow through.

How is it going otherwise? How are YOU holding up? Did you see my comments about your suggestion that your WW and the OM remain "friends?"

Can't and won't mince words here. You've been given the best advise by the very best of the best here.
If you choose not to follow it, it will only be to the detriment of your M and you may , ultimately, have no one but yourself to blame. Your window of opportunity is small, and if you don't act immediately, it may be lost forever. Sorry to be so blunt, but as I say, no time to mince words. So many others are so much more eloquent that I.
All Blessings,
Jerry

Thx Melody and shine. I understand perfectly, Say no more. Four things to mention in case any of the very generous people here can lend some support.

1. WW wanted to meet with the kids tonight (2 boys 10 and 12 yo) to talk about the possibility of D. I participated. She would have done it anyway without me, so I wanted to be there to guide and add color. It was very pleasant and neutral, no good guys/bad guys just two parents where there's a chance we might end up in separate houses, not the boys fault, they're great kids etc.


2. Tonight WW said "don't be surprised if you get hit with some sort of harrassment lawsuit". Not from WW, from OM. He's an attorney. I'm not one, but in my ignorance I don't see how anything I've done could provide legal basis for a legitimate lawsuit. Ok anyone can sue anyone for anything, but the judge would toss it out if not legitimate.

Any civil attorneys here? Could anyone here ask an attorney to step in? All I've done re OM is to call OMW twice, and meet with her once. And she called me twice. Can that be harrasment?

I tried to be guarded and say only what I 'believe' or 'guess' to be true, I hope I didn't represent anything I said to OMW as the truth for sure (thinking slander/libel here). But I might have slipped. The documentation that I have re the relationship between WW and OM - although very convincing - probably isn't admissible in court. I showed it to OMW but didn't leave any of it with her. Probably I would have nothing other than testimony of WW or OMW to back me up, and they might not be willing to do that.


3. (background) WW is the one currently providing income, I've been unemployed 8 months; we've been good savers in the past for just this kind of situation so aren't suffering yet. But the unemployment situation does wear on WW and is a serious failure to meet her EN for Financial Support.

Anyway tonight WW said 'I hope you can land a job in the next two weeks' but wouldn't elaborate. Is that a hint that I will need a paycheck to have a chance of getting custody? That I could be guilty of nonsupport? Or just that it will make it more likely she stays in the M. Or what? I know I'm better situated than you for these questions, and that you can only conjecture. But conjectures would be most welcome. Maybe it's time to hire an attorney.


4. WW asked me to take the kids tomorrow, she will be out all day. I assume with OM but not sure. I'm a bit scared to call OMW to verify given #2 above.

What say the experts? I am very happy you are here, it would be a very imtimidating situation without you all.

I'll add that WW is not repentent; the exposure didn't change her rebelliousness. When, if ever, should I expect that sentiment to appear?

wnh, I am sure she is angry about the exposure, but don't let it concern you at this point. I would make sure the affair is widely exposed to any further targets, such as her family and your family. It's best to get this done now, so you can have the maximum effect from exposure and so you can move onto bigger things.


She will be out WHERE? You are her HUSBAND, not her live in maid. I would expect an explanation from your W. You are her H and have a right to know where she is. Tell her that you will not be her babysitter while she carries on an affair. And I would then call the OMW and compare notes with her. Don't let her threats of "harrassment" put you off. Unless the OMW asks you to stop calling her, you are not harrassing anyone.

Your children should not be lied to in order to help your W hide the truth. I am sickened that she has dragged them into this charade. I would wager she has no more intention of following through on her D threat, but used this charde to scare you further. Children can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. They should be told that their mother has an inappropriate relationship with another man and this is why your W is talking about D. Don't help your wife LIE to your own kids, wnh, it helps NO ONE. Don't act like this is all nice and help her carry on this sick, twisted little charade. Don't allow her to do this.

You might want to also start quietly setting aside some finances in case your W tries to plunder your bank accounts.

After the affair ends.