I have no paycheck, so I'll need to use assets to live on. Can WW freeze assets? If she does that I'll really be in trouble. If she can do that, perhaps I should move some assets to an undisclosed place so that WW won't be able to freeze them and keep me totally without support?

Thank you for your comments regarding "what if's and should have's" currently trying to get up the nerve to expose an A that has been going on & off for approx. 4 years

We need...

depending on what state you live in depends on what you can do. Right now, prior to filing and a hearing your W could take all cash ut of a joint account and put it in her name leaving you nothing. Your W could petetion the court to grant her sole access to the marital residence citing her "fear" of you.

I tell you this because it happened to me. And in my state (NY) there is no stopping a divorce you can only delay it. My own experiences tell me that you need to consult a lawyer and plan on her filing. You also need to know that she is filing, it has NOTHING to do with your actions regarding her affair. The thing you can not do is just ignore her threats. My XW brought me 3 separation agreements that my attorney agreed were not acceptable. I told my attorney to not even respond to any more agreements unless they made changes. He called me up 4 days prior to filing telling me that they were filing...I told him I did not care...what we did not know was she was going for EVERYTHING...including an Order of Protection...which basically made me leave the home. It granted her temp custody...I was screwed by my inaction...

Now...we've reconciled..and we're trying to recover from issues I never really knew existed regarding her betrayals and dishonesty...but the entire divorce was hers..she owns it...

so my friend...call her bluff..go see an attorney..find out your rights and make a plan...pay them a retainer out of your joint assets...she will get really mad if she called your bluff...she'll get mad even if she did file...plan on it...

protect yourself...

Thanks send. Not good news, but I need to hear it.
Best wishes to yourself.

What is up with the no job thing? I would like to hear more about that.

Sure believer here's the scoop. Since school I've been working 16 years in pretty senior positions; was with the last firm many years then was laid off in Jan. Severance was nice, equal to X months of salary. So this time off was intended - as agreed with W beforehand - to be a nice X-month sabbatical, where I could try a new venture (which hasn't worked out) and look deliberately for the right position.

And that's been the path I've followed. It could have been a nice sabbatical if not for the A.

At this point we're not suffering financially. Still I agree WW recently started seeing the unemployment as a LB. Your thoughts?

WW told me she has not hired an attorney yet. I asked her if I need to hire one to protect myself, she said only "you do what you need to do". And "if we split up there's no way we're going to be able to use the same attorney after what I've suffered for the last 13 years".

I like that 'if'.

But gosh what an attitude. I don't think she'll file before our MC session tomorrow. Which will probably consist of her blowing off steam. I hope our MC gets a chance to talk her down a bit from the D talk and just take a rest. But it may not go that way.

I still struggle with how exposing to OM's wife has ANY impact on YOUR marriage???

I've seen a lot of people here who have heard similar things...and I've often wondered why they never called their WS out on that?

(Not sure whether some of the following went through...)

Own, anybody would question the sense of divorcing their spouse because the spouse (by contacting OMW) caused an X% chance of D in OM's family. Makes no sense. Not sure that's the real reason WW made that threat.


Question: shouldn't WW have WANTED OM and OMW to D? So WW could have OM for herself? OTOH maybe WW just wanted a playmate; and never (consciously) intended to take OM from OMW. I'm so confused..


Regardless of why, today she's of a mind to follow through on her threat. Madder than heck. Last night she was pleasant. I asked her what changed, she said 'nothing'. But maybe she couldn't get OM on the phone today, or maybe OM delivered the final kissoff..

I'm so disappointed in WW that at this point I'm thinking D may be the best course. Save us another 30 years of this kind of stuff. I don't know what to hope for. Maybe just leave it to God to work out as intended.

BTW, OMW said she and OM are not likely to get D, they seem to have reached a relative level of comfort with each other. Guess he gave the right answers.

I'm considering telling that to WW, to cool her down. OTOH it may be better tactically to let her think she's ruined TWO marriages.

..and tonight WW is back to calm.. whats up with this woman?

Dumb q; she recently got hormones tested, the doctor said she's NOT in menopause. But maybe the doc blew it. Can menopause cause this out-of-control craziness?

She is acting exactly like a person in the death throes of an addictive affair. There is nothing surprising here at all, especially the initial fury, coupled with threats of divorce, followed by the pleasantness. Up and down, up and down, up and down. We see the same thing here every day; it's all the same script. Tomorrow she will be spitting venom at you, then next day she will be kind. And as her affair crumbles, the venom will come less and less.....

Exactly....

Don't engage in negative conversations. Always stay on a positive and upbeat path. Kill her with loving kindness and care. Perplexes the crap out of 'em!

This behavior will linger through withdrawal, and lessen so gradually it's imperceivable. This is still a marathon, not a sprint, so start every day with a huge bowl of patience, and keep it in place all day. Train yourself NOT to say anthing "leading" to her that warrants a negative response!

Keep on hanging in there!

SD

OK thanks for the dose of optimism Mel and Shattered. Just to stir things up a bit I'll say WW is not a normal person, she's Italian.

She took her 'legal' folder to work today, I assume she's meeting with an attorney. MC tonight; I'll get the story then. I'm thinking I may want to try to file first.

Whatever you think, your marriage has a better chance now, than before exposure. Trust in that.

Can I make a suggestion? Please stop asking her questions about her "plans" to divorce you. It was likely a ruse to get you to shut up and now here you are taking her seriously. She hasn't even found an attorney yet. I think that talking about it AT ALL puts her in a position where she is forced to take action just to prove her credibility. Let her be the one to bring it up and when she does, tell her that you won't discuss divorce, only ways to recover your marriage from her affair. See what I mean?

And then if she does file, which I doubt, run to an attorney and get yourself protected.

Are there magic words that will get her to just delay a couple of weeks? To just relax and let some time pass? She's so mad I'm afraid she's going to rush to file.

You're all experienced and brilliant. Someone here has an idea, I know it. Can't someone suggest a way please? Just a couple of phrases that will give her pause?

Mel; she's already called three attorneys. Says she hasn't hired one, but today could be the day.

How about COMPLETE SILENCE.... Begging, pleading, crying will only make it worse. Don't even bring it up.

Did you see my previous post?