This is my first time posting and my first time I'm talking to anyone about the A besides my H and another family member.

First of all, I love my husband very much. I have NEVER stopped loving him. I NEVER, EVER want to hurt the one people who I know that loves me as much as life itself.

I wish I knew why the A started. It caught me so totally off gaurd. I thought I was happy. Why did I "like" the attention from another? All I had to do was say please leave me alone, or I'm not interested... Why did I keep going back when all I had to do was just not go "there".
I guess it's easy for someone else who is not subconsiously looking for something else.

These were some of the questions I asked myself during the A. I question my self-worth, my morals, my sanity, my love for myself, but never my love for my husband.

How it started.

My Mom was diagnosed with esophogeal cancer back in the fall. The responsibilty of taking care of her laid on my shoulders. I did what I could but she liked when I came over once a week. My H supported me through this rough time and suggested I stay there over night since it is an hour drive back to home and only a 15 min from my Mom's to my job. The first few months went fine, I was starting to feel weary, stressed... I saw there was kareoke at the local bowling alley on that night. I know the place well, matter of fact had my kids b-day barties there at times. I went there alone. Which I've done before at kareoke bars and heve even thought of an A. I sat by myself, and eventully met some nice people to sit with. There was a man there, very nice guy. We became friends. I told him I was married and he respected that. But still kept my distance I kept my distance I did not feel threatened by him, maybe because he was older.

He'd ask me if your married then how came he is not here with you? I say, "oh, he's tired" or "oh it's Wednesday night and he dosen't go out during the week" or " ya know, I've dragged him out to enough kareoke bars that he's sick of them" Maybe it's self justification... maybe excuses. I dunno.

Each week I actually looked forward to having friends again... and not just him, but my other new friends there. One night, after too much beer he walked me to my car, he kissed me... I got scared, pushed him away and jumped in my car and went to my moms. the following week, I told him I could not do this and that I loved my husband. I understood and respected my wishes. We continued our friendship though. (Yeah, big mistake) This behavior continued. He'd get too close, I'd break it off, We'd try to be "just friends" and I fall back again. We eventually became intimate one night... It was late (or early morning) when the sun came up I left for work with tears in my eyes and cried all the way to work, and was thankful I did not have to face my husband right away. He can read me so well. Again, I broke it off, but this time it was for good. Then he was admitted to the hospital and had ER by-pass surgery and almost died. I went to the hospital, while hysterical I called my H to tell him I'd be late. He knew I was upset and wanted to come there to console me and to be there for me. I said no, he said why not. And.... D-Day occured.

I told my H this was not a girlfriend but someone I cared deeply for. He knew what I meant, he had his suspisions. But he still came up there even know who I was up there for. That's how much he loved me. It was a horrible time, for him especially... for me I was so confused, I was scared my OM was going to die and scared my H was going to leave me. The OM was in the ICU for 5 days in a coma, and all the while, my H telling me he's hoping he'd die.
I was so torn, how could I feel this way? I prayed, asked God that if he lived I'd make my marriage work. OM got better. I went to go see him in the hospital and gave him a letter I wrote, it was to say good-bye. Since then, I talked to him once, he told me he'll be moving out of state once the Dr. releases him.

During all this time my H was in his words "destroyed" and devistated by d-day. All I can do is tell him how sorry I am, how I wish it never happened, how I want to take his pain away. I don't know how to console him. It hurts to hear him say painful words to me... it hurts not see trust in his eyes.. it hurts to go on with day to day tasks.

There are times I feel I can't take it, I want to run like a little girl but I know I won't. I have to own up to what I've done, I know that but I don't know how. My communication skills have anyways sucked. I come from a family of non-communicators. My H is the complete opposite.
Right now we're colliding, crumbling, and I'm scared.

I'd really like it if anyone could help by replying.

Undo...

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be. There are lots of women here who have been through the same thing, and I'm sure they will post to help you. I see you posted on Idiotville to Aussie and his wife. They are probably sleeping right now, as they live in Australia.

It sounds like you have been through a lot with your mother being so sick. I'm sorry that is going on in your life. A lot of times, affairs happen when one partner is feeling especially vulnerable.

I remember reading your husband's post here, and think that he must really love you.

Have you read alot on this site? That is very important.

Hi Undo and welcome.

I was the WS. And my story was alot like yours, we tried to be friends over and over and keep falling back..an addiction of sorts.

D-Day for us was Dec 17, 2004 and it's been a long journey since then. 7 months of painful recovery only leading to my H leaving and having an A recently - but that is anoher story.

FOr 7 months though - I went through what you are feeling now - the torment of the guilt and remorse, seeing the one that you love so much destroyed and hurt, and all because of you. Some days it's overwhelming early on - you just want to die. Some BS's think that WS don't have pain, but the truly remorseful ones have pain that is undescribable - knowing you could destroy someone...

My vulnerability came when I lost my uterus in a pelvic surgery and didn't handle it well - I didn' cope well. I went into a self destructive coping mode to feel better. It's very common for a large life changing event like your mother being sick, a surgery, a loss of a child to start someone into the road of betrayel.

Aussieswife is the FWS and she is amazing - she can offer you alot of insight too. Aussie2 is her husband. Faithful Follower, Finally Learning and Whisper are also a few ladies that can relate to you and help you on your journey through recovery

Are you spiritual? I know my journey brought God back into my life and it was essential to restoring my self confidence and forgiving myself for the damage I did. It also kept me sane during the times where H would touch me and was cruel - dealing with his own pain.

Make sure you guys pick up Surviving the Affair, and I also presonally recommend Torn Asunder.

((((HUGS))))) as I understand the guilt and pain you are feeling. It takes time, and you will be reminded everytime you look at your H hurting, but you can and will heal, and so will your H - but its a LONG road.

Her story sounds very similar to something that was just on here, in fact her dday is the exact samething as one of the guys on here, are you the wife of one of the people on here?

Noliving - Hopeful4future's wife.

I thought I read the inverse of this story. I was back checking but couldn't find it.

Hi undo

read your post and it is good to see a H & W here like A2 & myself. It really can help.

Your H is going through immense pain and hurt. The betrayal and insult to him in very deeply felt and will affect him for a long time, maybe years.

Your own remorse and pain will seem to overwhelm you at times so its important to keep on top of things and be proactive..eg go to a good MC and IC.....& talk & vent here.

Good for your H to do the same.

None of this is easy undo, it will take a long time and even as you see things improve there are likely to be relapses both for yourself & your H. It doesn't happen to everyone of course but its better to be prepared.

As for your H feeling disgust and not being able to touch you, its a very common response and usually just has to be worked through. Should it continue for any length of time then professional MC help may be required to help you both through this.
My MC/IC is very much a believer in faking it until you make it in this battle. Within reason of course and with dicussions with her and my H [when he turns up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />]

We have come a long way but still have a way to go ..trust may as well not be discussed - very natural - that will take a long time to be anywhere like it was before the A.
SF, love , respect and kindness are present, even wonderful, but so are the memories.

Dont be surprised if you obsess a bit over your actions, that too is very common but you need to work through it and acknowledge your actions and work out how NOT to repeat them. Thats not as easy as you would expect.

undo, that both of you are here is a very very good sign that you can get through this and rebuild your M.

If I can help any way or you just want to vent write away or email me as you need.

hugs

AW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks so much AW... I don't have time to reply right now but I will. Your words, support mean alot to me. Thanks for being there...

Undo.