My WH was here in town over the weekend to go to the final divorce hearing. He stayed with dd and I, like he always does when he comes to town. He lives in another state with OW, whom he started an affair with last Oct. He started his affair, I found out, then he told me the whole,"I havent been happy for years, nobody paid attention to me, etc." thing. How he just "lost" feeling, and tried to get it back but couldnt. Well, I wish I had known there was a problem.

I have validated his feelings, some of this statements are ligitimate. I have taken responsibilty for my part in the breakdown of our marrige, have done the 180's, read Harley's books, Divorce Busters, Dobson, etc. Anyway, when he was here, we had lots of good interaction, then on the last night we got into talking about the OW, something I have tried to avoid. And I got a little disrespectful towards him in the tone of my voice. It hurts me now, cause at one point that night, he said he was confused, and instead of me asking ,"About what?" I just said something like ,"Arent we all?" in my effort not to be pushy.

Now I feel sick, about letting my emotions get away from me, I am sure he is now thinking,"She hasn't changed at all."
Despite the fact that it's VERY normal to be angry and hurt when discussing your husband's OW with him, I wanted so badly to be calm and in control. I know this one little thing won't change his mind, but I guess I want to be put at ease. I really did let my anger come through. I SO REGRET what could have been a great chance to help draw him back to us and I messed it up.

It turns out he's been lying to her as well, she didn't know he'd been staying at our house with me and our dd. Also he finally admitted to me that he never has told her that I still love him and DO NOT WANT THIS DIVORCE. The OW called his cell phone constantly while he was here, he would have to go outside to answer it. When our dd finally goes to visit him in another state, he is afraid she will say something about how he's been sleeping in our bed.

I hurt so badly, I think it's time for Plan B or no contact, which ever. The guilt I feel for not seeing the pain he has been in is very hard to get over, I love this man so much, how could I let my marriage get to this point? I have read Love Busters and His Needs/Her Needs and felt sick, because it was me in there.

I really want to "Stand" for my marriage, but it's getting hard. I REALLY don't want my poor dd to have to go stay with her dad at OW's house (he moved in with her in Nov.). The thought literally makes me sick.

Any advice or can anybody tell me I that maybe I didn't mess up too badly? Anybody go No Contact AFTER a divorce and see results? I began to go semi-dark in the spring, and in April, he told me he was sorry, and wanted to come home and make up for lost time, he always loved me, etc. Then a week later, he was back in the "fog". I have held on to this thinking it meant he is still "in there" somewhere and I just have to be strong and patient.

There are no words to describe my pain, the shock of my whole future ripped away, but I don't have to tell anybody here about that. R

TK ~ one conversation does not make or break your chance at recovery. You've been in Plan A for a long time, and you are getting hurt pretty badly.

Have you made an appointment with the Harley's? Have you tried to stall the divorce? Have you exposed the affair? Any if you do not want the daughter staying at the OW's house - why didnt you fight that in court?

I can't say you are ready for Plan B ~ emotionally and timewise, yes it sounds like you should be in Plan B, but you need to make sure you have done everything else first.

I really strongly recommend you call the Harley's. Divorce is far more expensive than some good solid coaching that may make a huge difference!