Hello
This is my first time in one of these forums. It doesnt come easy for me to discuss my failures in such a way, but I am desperate to understand what went wrong and what I can do to right that wrong.

After a particularly bad marraige and divorce 6 yrs ago, I was in limbo for a few years....yes, I went out & had fun & I was over her (but not over the failure - often blaming myself for most of what went wrong).
4 yrs ago I met the most amazing girl and we fell in love. It was allways rocky tho as I still had issues & so did she. We fought often, but in the beginning at least life was perfect. We lived together as Husband and wife (although we never married), until finally she left me 2 mths ago. I love her deeply and always have. I've promised her the world but she couldnt wait. We still see each other a couple of times aweek and speak often on the phone. She moved out from me & into an appartment with a guy she works with. She says that this guy is easy to talk to & she likes him very much....after 5yrs together, it took her 5 weeks to find someone to comfort her - that alone breaks my heart. She says that she still loves me, but is not 'in love with me, & hasnt been for some time'.
I read the 7 Love Busters, & discovered that I have consistently broken every rule in the book (although not intentionally, as my thoughts of protection were different from hers - and apparently the worlds). My listening skills are poor, I believe because of low self esteem, & that is one of my biggest failings. She always said that I didnt listen, even tho I tried to be considerate and respectful.
We speak often and altho I try hard not too, seem unable to not cause her distress. When this happens, obviously I, myself am also in deep distress and often become agitated (story of my life). I dont believe that she has totally given up on me. She knows well how much I care for her.
She will be visiting me on Saturday, and I want to make a good impression, so-as to encourage her to see more of me. I need help badly.......can someone give me good, solid advise as to how I should approach this meeting.
Oh, we were seeing each other during her lunch break, but she said that this became too painful and she would prefer not to anymore.
Ultimately, I want us to fall back in love with each other - and I want to do it right this time.
Please help.
Thx

Quick followup - she tells me that she is very confused. Definately not over me. Is just renting a room in her colleagues appt - although he has already made himself available for physical comforting (even tho, as she tells me, only hugging and kissing - rebound stuff. shes adament that there is no sex)

We are both very confused and both love each other, its just that we fell out of love. All very tragic and unnecessary. Any suggections????

Well, what is it you want to accomplish in this meeting?

It took a long time to rack up the history of damage to your relationship. It will take a long time to heal it. You may or may not be given that time -- she certainly doesn't owe it to you.

What is it that you want to communicate to her or find out from her in this meeting?

You may have lived as husband and wife, but you were not husband and wife. The line-in BF/GF relationship has a completely different set of dynamics, which is why a successful "living together" relationship is in no way an accurate predictor of whether a couple in one will have a successful marriage when they do eventually marry.

The hard truth is that once a woman makes up her mind to leave, she rarely changes it and comes back. She's living with a man and having intimate contact with him. There may not be sex right now, but there will be very soon. Hence, her "confusion." You can bet he's working on sexualizing the relationship regardless of what she says.

You weren't ready for a relationship when you started and things went bad. Certainly you should try to patch things up with her, but you must also prepare yourself mentally for the very high probability that this relationship is over. She's been gone two months. I'd be willing to wager that this man had been undermining your relationship for some time. Your GF probably ingored the "windows and doors" boundries and had been talking to this man about your problems. This is by definition a emotional affair.

Hi CUH,

Do you think there is less probability of recovering a bf/gf relationship than a marriage?? Also how do the MB principles have to adapted for this situation??

Obviously theres nothing to expose, but what other tools are still available to westy?

Im not really sure....I want her to know how I feel. Id like to make her feel comfortable being with me again. (The pain wasnt all caused in 1 direction by the way)....

I'd like to become her confident again....and be there when she needs me.....but with her feeling very comfortable in doing so.

CKTC, I don't really know the answer to your question. I would tend to think there would be less probability, since there is less investment and there aren't the legal issues to deal with.

I don't think that the MB principles would have to be adapted very much at all, at least not in terms of healthy interaction between the partners. At this point, there isn't much westy can do.

Westy, you say that the two of you were seeingone another at lunch, but she stopped doing this because it was too painful. So, I think you need to brace yourself for this Satuday meeting. Why would she not see you at lunch because it's too painful, but agree to visit you on Saturday? I sincerely hopes this doesn't happen, but she may be coming to give you a final "it's over" talk. Obviously she would want to do this on her terms, which means she comes to you so that she has full control over the situation (she can leave when she need/wants to). Anyway the best impression you can make on her Saturday is to be open and honest. Don't push how much you love her. That will backfire. Show her that you love her by listening to anything she has to say to to. Don't try to defend yourself no matter what she says. Just listen. Let her vent if she decides to do so. Do NOT ask her to come back home. That will backfire, too. It took you a while and the two of you made this mess one step at a time. You can only clean it up one step at a time, and it will require time and patience.

To be honest, If you want to salvage this relationship, you are probably going to have to walk away from it for awhile. She may know you love her, but right now she probably doesn't much care. Do not discount the importance of her living with this other man. Perhaps with some time apart without contact, and if you do the work on yourself that you need to do, she may start to miss you and come to see that you really are willing to change for her and begin to see once more what attracted her to you in the first place.

CUH - took your advise re: the meeting. All went well. Thx.
Just working onfixing my own situation up. Trying to keep it casual - she knows how I feel. She has stopped the involvement with othe guy - was just desparate for some comfort. Seems to be more comfortable with me (meeting was short....45mins), anymore would open the chance to discuss things that are not & should not yet be on the agenda. She said that it was nice today. Got a lot of work to do on my own self development & must really get down to it. Im sure that'll make a huge difference between us if she can see that I mean business.