Haven't posted in a long time, but have been reading a lot. Background: I'm 56, H is 53, married 30 yrs. OW called me in Feb. to inform me of 15 mo. A, H admitted to it, began MC only to discover 4/2 he was still in contact. He ended A, has had n/c since and is trying hard. The problem is I go through different stages. At first, I wanted to do whatever it took to save my marriage - 30 yrs is a long time and I always thought we'd grow old together. Then I cried all the time, same thing for all of us in this situation, then things seemed to get better. Now 5 mos. later I'm crying again, can't stop thinking about it and wonder why I want to stay with someone who could do this to me. I feel like some of you who felt he got away with something and I'm supposed to just move ahead. I know men & women are different, but it hurts when he says it's my decision as to whether I want to stay married or not. I know he's right about the statement, it just seems so matter-of-fact. We've been together for so long it's hard to imagine life without him. He's trying really hard to meet my emotional needs and is succeeding - I'm just having trouble letting go of the thoughts of them together and the fact that he lied to me for such a long time. How can you be married for 30 years, feel like you know someone soooo well, then discover the last year and half has been a lie? I'm struggling with this - and yes, scared at the same time. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening - I'm glad y'all are here, yet sad that any of us are.

You are at that critical period where you are the worst threat to your marriage.

All I can say is the WS usually just falls into an affair, not meaning to hurt anyone. Your husband seems like he is trying to repair the damage. Give it more time. Also try posting on recovery. Folks there have been through it.

Hi Trish,

You just found out about continued contact with the homewrecking OW back in April.So,technically,that was like another DDay and so you are set back in any kind of recovery you thought you had.It's more like 3+ months now,not 5 and even during the 5/6-9 month periods,you can hit "walls" of emotion that can make you question what you are doing.Just go to the Recovery board and they will tell you the same.

Everything you stated has been said before and has been dealt with before so in that respect,you are not alone,it's not a surprise,how you are feeling.

I am not in Recovery but I think,as I am sure other's will say,that you just have to keep plugging away at this.Face the fears,the uncertanties,the emotion and explore it.No one will tell you you absolutely must stay in the marriage forever but in order to have a chance all that you described is part of what you must go through.

How is the MC going so far? Do you feel good about your counselor?

I don't see any problem about you going through "stages".That is perfectly normal so don't be too hard on yourself.It's expected. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Thanks for replying. I hadn't thought about Dday beginning in April but you make sense. Maybe that's why it keeps coming flooding back, it's like starting all over. I read the posts on the Recovery site and they've been helpful. I guess I just wonder if there are any other BS who have been married 25+ years, and how they dealt with it. When you've been married this long, you can accept death easier than betrayal because death is a part of life - lies and cheating are not. It's incredibly difficult to grasp the fact that this could happen after so many years. Of course, I know all on this site feel the same - no matter how long you've been married. Thanks for helping and listening.