It has been a little over 1 month since D-Day and I think I am finally beginning to be able to focus on moving forward but am still having an issue with WH. While he has had no contact with OW, and says all the right things at this point, he sees no value in filling out the Emotional needs questionaire for me. He believes the questions are "loaded" and will only upset me.

I realize that his A was more about his emotional needs than anything else, and can readily accept that I did not do a good job of meeting or understanding them at the time. I was already overwhelmed with other issues, and just expected him to ride it out with me. Now he feels so quilty over the affair that I can't get him to speak honestly about what happened for fear of hurting me even more. He wants to accept all the blame and believes that I did nothing to merit his actions. While I know that is true up to a point, I do believe that in order to move on we both have to change and I am ready to begin to look at these issues.

How can I reassure him that this is not some evil trick in order to gather more information about how wrong he was and use it against him? These are my sarcastic exaggerations, not his words, BTW.

Hmmmm. I guess you can't force him to fill it out. Usually men's most important EN's are admiration, SF, and an attractive spouse. You might try improving those areas and see how he reacts.

Apparently, he thinks that you are such a delicate flower that you will wilt if he tells you something negative about yourself--as if you aren't strong enough to handle criticism.

IMHO, recovery requires:

(1) Ending the A.
(2) Dealing with the BS's hurt coming from the A.
(3) Fixing the problems in the M that led to the A.

If he is a "logical" kind of guy, explain to him that you have to do all three. Both of you can't just "end the A" and pretend it didn't happen.

(The problem in the M (IMHO) is his inability to tell you with his various little complaints. So, when he doesn't express himself, he ends up a pressure cooker after a while without a release valve, and then starts acting out. What he thinks are "major complaints" probably are molehills he has made into mountains.)

In any event, since you are the BS, you should make some demands. Insist on MC. If he really has something "bad" to say about you, then a MC can be there to make it easier for him to express himself. If he won't do that, try to find a marriage encounter weekend to attend. They are great.

A word of caution: You should still be checking to make sure the A is over. Don't trust that the A is really over simply because he says so.