My wife and I have been having problems for a while. She has a very abused past and has been married five times including ours. This is my first marriage. We have gone to all of one counseling session and she said that she wants to fix this marriage because she misses what we had. We have no kids to help hold us together, but I believe she is having an affair because she has been talking to someone and sleeping in a man's t shirt. She doesn't wear her wedding ring or include me in her life. Now she said that she has an apartment and is moving out because she needs space since we keep fighting under the same roof. Everytime she has done this in past marriages she has had an affair. One marriage I know more about though, and they didn't have any kids together either, she said she would have stayed with him and I have evidence of this. How do I stop this disaster? Can I keep her from moving? Is all hope lost if she does? Should I go to her family for help? I know that MB says that most of the time when the spouse moves that they want time with their lover. However, I also know that she loves her daughter, not my child, and her daughter is only in town for about a month before going to Japan. I can make a case for why she would want to move out and not expose her daughter to fighting for that short time, but I already feel stupid. I could go on forever. Please help.

I am sorry my friend but it sounds like you have married a serial cheater. She has continued this behavior in the past and cheated everytime in her past marriages so would you not think she would continue to do this to you. Taking off her wedding ring and sleeping in another man's shirt is such a slap in the face and insult to you. Now she is moving out like she has done in the past in her previous marriages. It sounds pretty obvious she is cheating on you.
You seem to want to turn an apple into an orange. I would suggest contacting an attorney and protecting yourself.

I do not mean to be harsh but I am always amazed when someone marries a person who had cheating in their previous marriages and then are surprised when they cheat on them also. Why would you be surprised? She sounds like her moral compass was broken before you married her. Protect yourself.

Run for the hills!!!! Everything that happens from this point on with all you know about her is in my opinion...self inflicted wounds!!! Save yourself from her madness!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

TX2,

You must ask you self, what kind of marriage do you want. It seems she keeps the door open, so you must tell her what are your feeling know that she’ll probably do this again, and if she does are you still going to want to be married to her? If the answer is yes, than that’s the type of marriage you’ll have, if the answer is no, than tell her next time the door slams shut. I really think those are your only options.

So, here's an update:

We actually had another counseling session. I mentioned my fear of an affair, but didn't mention her past. However, my wife re-stated that she doesn't want this marriage to end and even began to cry a bit. I asked her point out if she was having an affair and if she even had a close relationship that could turn into an affair. She said no, of course, and the counselor even said that she believes her and thinks that my wife really wants this marriage. I have talked to her parents and they say the same thing. Her dad is very close to her and I can't really remember her wearing this t shirt until she got back from a 6 week visit with her parents. I guess it is possible it could be one of her father's. She has been quick to condem other people who cheat. I guess I am hoping that she learned from her past. However, I know the past and all her husbands cheated on her and some beat her badly, but I feel I am walking a fine line between not being taken advantage of and being stupid. I know the history, but have no hard evidence of any current activity. In the counseling session, we agreed to give her some space even though she hasn't moved yet, so I went to a spot in the house to leave her alone. It turns out we ended up spending that night talking better than we have in a while. The pain on her face really told me that she didn't want to leave. She has such a big wall around her hurt because of the way that she has been repeatedly treated. I have never done any of the things that her other husbands have, but I think that she just feels that it is going to happen with me because it has happened with everyone else in the past. We even mentioned re-evaluating her leaving. She said "I love you" for the first time in a long time. I don't think I can give up without hard evidence or even push the issue further without hard evidence. We already have trust issues right now, but if I push a bad situation and am wrong, I'll just push her away. Everyone has a past, but they aren't necessarily destined to repeat it. Should I try to get hard evidence or just work on loving her and making her feel safe at home so she doesn't leave? Our counselor says that most of her couples stay together and she said that she believes my wife. This is my first marriage and I believe in my vows. It's a difficult and painful time for me and I appreciate the feedback.

A counselor can only be effective if they have all of the information in order to proceed. The fact that you withhold this information about your wife's previous affairs from this counselor is a huge mistake. It is like going to a doctor to treat a painful arm and not telling him in the past that you had numerous infections in that arm. It is ridiculous to withhold information from a counselor. How can they do their job without adequate information?

You are quite correct that the counselor should know everything. However you are assuming I deliberately witheld information. I was just to grief stricken to talk for the most part. My wife, can be a great person and friend. When she smiles at me on those rare moments, I feel like I have just given her all the joy that she has sought in the world. She needs happiness and love or she wouldn't keep trying. I vowed to give her that love. Talking to many people these days, it just seems like people just don't care about there vows any more. I made a promise to my life partner and wife.

Dude she'a been married 5 times. Get out. I know the purpose of this site is to be encouraging, but be realistic.Unless you want to babysit a basket case the rest of your life. Drop her. even if you feel bad. Anyone who has been married that many times is not going to learn after 5 times, Trust me.I made a promise too and it lasted 14 years(7 married). Boy did that blow up in a hurry.She ran off with a complete stranger, and I tried to fix her too.This is my first marriage. Think about it clearly, absent of any denial and it will be clear.

I know everyone is trying to keep me level headed here and frankly I would be syaing the same things, but she hasn't moved yet and says she wants to work on the marriage. Also, there is a leason to be learned about having hard proof before confronting your spouse. I didn't confront her and while waiting I found out that the t shirt was not some guy's. This is of course good news. There is still a few things that leave a question in my mind and hopefully they will turn out like this one. Everyone has a past and she deserves to be loved. If people jumped to conclusions all the time, she would never have it. I could get burned here I know, but she could look back and see the guy that wouldn't let go and made it happen for the both of us.

I still think there is hope. You may have more obstacles than other marriages, if she is willing to work on the marriage, there is hope. Keep fighting for her and working with proven principles. Don't follow your feelings, let your feelings follow your actions.