My WH says that when (if!) he divorces me, he wants shared custody of our two girls (5 and 12).

He is currently living with the OW. The girls will not be meeting her unless WH and I divorce.

WH has no chance of getting shared custody unless I agree to it. I would get full custody if it went to court, and he would only have limited visitation with a couple of overnights each month/two weeks during the summer break.

Does anyone have experience of shared custody, and do people think it is a good thing, or not? I've heard differing reports of how beneficial it is to children. Please take into account my children's ages and sex - should girls of these ages be spending more time with their mother, for example? My 12 year old should probably have a say in this, too.

WH hasn't even begun D proceedings yet, but claims he intends to over the summer. I am just thinking ahead. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Put a call out to Weaver. She has shared custody and could enlighten you on the pros and cons.

Alph,

Until you get D'd,you can/should be able to put a clause in your separation agreement or at least agree that the homewrecking OW is not to be around your children.And at least in my state,a judge would agree as it is not in the best interest for children to be exposed to certain bad situations of which their Dad living with OW is one,a big one.So,I don't know how he sees the girls now but it should be without any other person's interference.

In my case,my WH lives in another country(his choice) and only sees our girls EOW and one week in Summer.This is how it has been for many months and we have yet to settle this D.I would like for the girls to see their Dad more but it's just not plausible.But,I do try to keep the girls busy so they are not sitting around fretting over missed time with their (adultering) dad.

I think the court will consider several factors for custody before deciding what is in the best interest of the children if and when you do D such as primary residence,school,ability to travel,any hardships,etc.

O

TT - unfortunately, I think weaver is taking a break from MB at the moment, but she sounds like someone to ask.

Octobergirl,

WH knows that the girls won't be meeting OW unless we are divorced.

You don't actually need to go to court in the UK unless divorcing parents can't agree between them how custody will be managed. If it should go to court, I would get full custody (over 90% of mothers do) as I have been a SAHM for most of their lives, my WH left the family home for the OW, and I have female children, one of whom is nearly adolescent, the other is very young.

WH lives about 1/2 mile from us. His place is smaller, but perfectly adequate for three nights a week. As he is close, he is also close to their friends/schools etc.

Thanks for your replies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

"WH has no chance of getting shared custody unless I agree to it. I would get full custody if it went to court, and he would only have limited visitation with a couple of overnights each month/two weeks during the summer break."

Then, IMO don't agree to it.

You can always grant additional visitation and time with WH, and thus with omelette, as you later see fit.

Get primary control of the custody situation right from the get-go, and then use your maternal judgment to expand his time with them under varying circumstances as the situation and their A evolve.

You are in the driver’s seat. Don’t let WH, and probably omelette from the back seat, put so much as a hand on the wheel. Their driving is not so good after all, is it?

What do DS think? You should have this discussion with the older one. DS (then 11) and I did back when I thought D was inevitable. He wanted to live with me but felt sorry for his mom and said he would like see her as long as OM was not around. That was his own decision – I tried to make sure I did not influence him.

However, I also told him that as our child it was the responsibility of me and then WW to make these decisions for him. He did not have to decide or choose. FWW and I would have to decide what was best for him under the miserable circumstances but that I wanted to hear his thoughts and desires. He was relived that he did not have to choose between parents. He was also thankful I listened to his thoughts.

His child psychologist later said I did it the right way.

With prayers,

Neither of the girls seem that upset about meeting OW!!!

I wish it wasn't so, but it is. DD12 seems to think that anyone who's with her dad must be ok really, and DD5 has no understanding of the situation at all, and is simply curious. She draws pictures for the OW!

I think, in reality, both girls are deeply insecure, and somehow see their father's love for them being dependant on their acceptance of the OW.

If we divorce, they will be spending nights over there anyway. Nothing I can do about it, really. I can't prove WH is an alcoholic - he's really cut down on the drinking recently, probably because he is frightened of losing the children completely.

Still, he probably won't file until the end of the summer - say early September. My atty said that I could possibly spin the divorce out for up to nine months, if I'm lucky, by not returning papers, forcing him to serve me, then putting in a counter suit against his (he will alledge 'unreasonable behaviour' and I will counter file for adultery).

A lot can happen in nine months - by June 2006 the A could be dead in the water, especially if the divorce process causes all the usual stresses (I fully intend to see that it does). I can but hope!

Alph.

^BUMP^

I guess my question is - why would you agree to shared custody? Why are you even considering it?
Just becuase he said that was what he wanted? It doesn't sound like he is making a lot of good choices right now, so why would you give him shared custody just because he says he wants it?

What does shared custody mean in the UK? Would they spend 50% of their time with him, and 50% with you?

Here in the states, my lawyer said that custody, and visitation, are 2 different issues. If I had given my WXH joint/shared custody, I would have to legally consult him on issues involving the boys. At the time, he was living with MOW and her two small kids. He rarely saw his own boys, even though he was often spotted at MOW kids soccer games, softball games, etc. Missed seeing his own sons football games to watch her 8 year old play soccer. He did not sound like the type of person I wanted to consult on major decisions for the boys. Also, at that point he swore he would marry OW as soon as he could. There was no way I wanted her involved in making decisions for my boys lives.

So I sought full custody, and that is what I have. Now that he is no longer with OW I do call him to consult with him about the boys. I consult with him because I want to - not because I have to. I think it is a much better way to be.

As for the visitation schedule, he is supposed to have them every other weekend and every Wednesday night. He has never taken them on a Wednesday night, and takes them about 1 weekend out of every month. He is welcome to take them any time he wants to - he jussst doesn't.

At this point Alph, if it does come to a D for you, just make sure that you fully protect your girls, on paper, the best you can. You can always let him see them more often, that is not a problem.

Your WH is smoking, drinking,and carrying on with an OW. Is that someone you want to give up shared custody to??

One more thing to consider - if you have shared custody, does that mean you would have to consult with him anytime you want to take the girls out of the country? It doesn't seem like a big deal right now, but what if he gets even sicker, his drinking gets out of control, and then he starts fighting you when you want to take the girls on holiday to Spain? Do you want to ask his permission just to take the girls away for the weekend?

This is something Mortarman said on someone else's thread (hope you don't mind me posting it here, Mortarman):


I have to admit that the only instance of successful shared custody I am aware of is in the case of a woman whose ex came out as gay, and left to be with his lover. I understand now (after a period of time for healing) the woman and her ex (and even the lover) are very friendly, and the shared custody works very well for them.

This man and his wife couldn't be together, because he is gay! He lived in denial for a number of years, but eventually couldn't any longer. The wife understood this, and although they obviously can't be married, they can be friends.

Very different in my sitch.

WOF5 - he says this is what he wants. It's something I am only considering. He misses the girls very much, and thinks that if he has them three nights a week, everything will be fine again (he isn't thinking at all what is best for them, just what he wants).

I don't believe that the OW will be happy with 2 kids invading her space after living alone with WH for so long.

Legally, both parents have joint responsibility for their children. Who they live with (residency) doesn't affect this. I can take the girls out of the country for up to three weeks without his permission, but no longer. The law still assumes that parents will work together for their children, whether they live together or not.

Obviously, the parent who has the children the most will end up making most of the decisions about their welfare and future.

My solicitor also pointed out to me, like Mortarman's judge, that shared custody only seems to work when parents get on very well together. Obviously WH sees things ending up this way - all friends together. I don't!

Alph.