I never wanted to leave my H either...I had looked towards the OM for comfort, support, sympathy, etc for all my problems...it became very addictive for me as he knew exactly what to say to give me my "high".
The FOM, makes less than I do, was a serial cheater (I was his 5th or 6th on his wife - she knew about 2, I revealed 2 more when H & I informed of me together), had multiple of dozens of partners throughout his lifetime, was very smooth...and all in all i thought really was trash. He made a joke once that the likes of me would never give a man like him the time of day if I saw him in a bar, and I laughed and said he is absolutely right - I wouldn't....So why was I giving him the time of day then?
As much as I know all the reasons how I ended up where I did, a self destructive coping path, where when I coped with things that were stressful I became self-destructive, combined with neglect from h due to his own problems...the first person that came along to make me feel that way became that person. I sadle believe it wasn't him, it would have been the next guy, or drugs, or alcohol - anything to self destruct.
Towards the end of the A, i did want out - but I didn't want to give up the "high" he gave me, and I kept saying no more, we just have to be friends...but as soon as we were just friends, the things he said to me stopped...and within days I would let the sexual talk begin again.
I got careless in the ends, almost with the hopes I would get caught as it would be a way out, but terrified as I knew it may mean loosing my H whom I loved dearly and wanted a life with still. I did get caught online, and my H stayed, and I have spent 8 long months changing who I am, and my coping skills, learning to listen, learning to communicate, learning how to be self reliant...
He may not have had plans to leave you, and did love you, but something made him do it. You don't accidently have an affair. He has to figure out deep within him why - if he didn't plan on leaving, and he loved you, why he had it. Was it coping skills? was it a need not being met? what is curiousity?
I know 7 months into recovery my H had an A and he left - he left the kids and I...He wanted to be rid of me, he wanted to replace me for all the pain I caused him. he had an AHA moment 4 weeks into the seperation when he realized she wasn't me...and he couldn't replace me, and in the process of replacing me, he was instead replacing the parts of himself he liked - that were because of me...and discovered home with us is really where he wants to be.
We are now 5 weeks into our second recovery...and things are going well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
