Well that was a cruel statement on his part. If he ever does it again cut him off for a while...LOL. We'll see how much you don't do it for him anymore.

i am SURE he enjoys it!!!!

OS to him is a normal part of foreplay too and sometimes the only thing that occurs. i also get much enjoyment from doing it. i have no doubt how much he enjoys it and i really like that!!

right after d-day it was the only thing happening and i didn't mind for a while, i really was glad he would let me in that much. but at this point, unless it is the wrong time of the month, i don't like it being the only thing. (i think he must look forward to that time of the month now, i do strongly believe that he enjoys that more than intercourse, and that is understandable, it does not bother me).

he has never fallen asleep during (that i know of) but there are times he has fallen alseep IMMEDIATELY afterwords, i'm thinking what racer x said is exactly the same for him.

i used to feel hurt more. but not anymore. we didn't talk a lot about it but enough for me to understand and no longer feel hurt. he understands now where i am in regards to it too. it is very silly that sex can be such a hard thing to talk about with your spouse!!! but i think that is often the case.

for me, after many months of just that happening, i got to a point where i decided if i am good enough to do that to you, i am good enough to have intercourse with too. make a decision. and he did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i am leaving now for the weekend. i'll look you up on monday or tuesday (i might take monday off too).

i hope you have a nice weekend!!!

women are much more into intimacy & closeness. i know when I do OS for my H, just pleasing him is arousing enough. (of course I've been lucky in that way- sorry TMI)

If I cut him off he would resent me BIG time (definitely not worth it)

thanks FL-

I appreciate all of your advice!!! have a great weekend!

I only meant until he comes asking for it.....and he would...LOL

Unfortunately he's got porn to tide him over.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

keep thinking of Lorena Bobbitt!!!

ouch!

beav

Update-

DH came home after going out with the guys and mentioned that later something was going to happen. I jokingly mentioned the other night, wondering if he even knew/remembered what happened because I thought he fell asleep. He said he fell asleep after I was done. I responded by saying that because nothing was said at the time or the next morning I figured I bored him to sleep or something. He said I could never bore him to sleep with that. I guess I was getting too emotional over nothing.

good morning, so are you feeling better about it all today?? sounds like it and i'm glad.


i'm glad you were able to tell him what you concluded, my advice... next time tell him how it felt too. and my other advice, tell him what kind of response from him you would be meaningful for you. no matter how tired he is, i am sure he could say to you, "that felt great, thanks" or something like that. and if he does fall into a coma that night, then saying something to you in the morning would still be meaningful for you.

i am very similar to you, i do like responses. i have learned something however, it is possible to assume the BEST (it felt so good he went right into a deep sleep) instead of the worst (he did not enjoy it) during those times when no response is given. however this is easier to do when at least some of the times you get the kind of feedback you need.

Dear Paranoid?
get this.. my H told me he had a hard time (haha) keeping "it" hard when OW started their "sessions" with a long BJ everytime because she liked doing that. She wasn't very good at it, it seems.
That's a problem we never had - go figure.
If your H normally enjoys what you do, then I don't think you should worry about your technique! But if you want to get him really interested.. maybe try dressing up.. be his nurse or something <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, when my H was "in love/lust" with Cafe Woman, we planned to stay at a motel after a party and have a romantic night ('cuz our DD and DGS were staying with us temporarily and we did NOT want anybody knocking on our door...also, a shut bedroom door at our house is a sure sign of what is going on within).

Well, H was NOT drinking that night, it was not all that late, and he went to sleep on me. We had also been having trouble in his ability to function (I believe, due to his "thing" for Cafe Woman), and I became so enraged that I slung all the "toys" we had brought across the room, and told him to let me know when he actually felt desire for ME, 'cuz I was DONE with trying to seduce a man who obviously did not want me.

It still took quite a while, but he eventually recovered his ability to function with me. It took baby steps, but after he finally got mad at her about something, the physical part of things improved greatly. The romantic part sucks, though. I've about concluded that romance for a lot of men is something they find necessary to do in order to get what they want from a woman to whom they are not married, but is too much trouble after they are married. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

lady clueless, i am very sorry for the hurt you have/are feeling in regards to your marriage and your H. 34 years and still married is quite an accomplishment!!! i encourage you to keep striving to effectively communicate with your H so that even the romantic part can be there.

communication is so important!!!

I find this thread disturbing in certain ways especially about Racer not only falling asleep but also not *rembering* OS?? Good grief.Are you really that uninvolved Racer? I don't mean to sound like I am picking on you but any intimacy between partners should be handled delicately and respectfully.Falling asleep,in my opinion,is much worse than falling asleep at say,the Opera and I know other's would be mad for that.Why not during sex? If paranoids H said something to her first(i.e. he enjoyed it) and THEN when to sleep that would be better.But to me it sounds too much like taking this situation for granted, like being served and then not even acknowledging what she was doing.And the comment about not doing it for him anymore also relates to this IMO.

On a more minor scale,it's like her H(or anyone for that matter) eating a specially prepared dinner and then just getting up from the table and walking away.Or,opening a present that your spouse took a lot of time,thought and effort into getting for you and not acknowledging it either.Not acknowledging a new hairstyle or a pretty new dress bought for a special occasion,etc,etc.

The circumstances are diffferent but the point remains the same.I think,at least for me,if I was paranoid and I kept giving my H OS and he never appreciated it or appeared to then I would not be doing it anymore.It's one thing if she enjoys it but another if your spouse fails to acknowledge your care.It's the same with any other aspect to marriage.We cannot take one another for granted and we must also appreciate that which our loved ones do for us.We cannot allow the positve things we do for eachother go unnoticed.

And I fully agree with Lady Clueless about romance from men.It's no big secret that many women want and need this in their lives from their SO's.But in *my marriage,all the romance and flowers and cards,etc that used to mean so much to me definitely evaporated over the years.While I continued to do for my WH,he didn't feel it was necessary anymore even though it was at those times,I felt appreciated from him.It was SOME acknowledgement of the hard work and loving gestures I was doing for him,our marriage and our family.In the few years before the A happened,I was lucky if I got a birthday/anniversary card at all.

O

FL, Thank you, but, actually, I need to update my profile. We were married 35 years ago this past June. We go out to eat for our anniversary, but that's about it. I don't give a hoot about celebrating our anniversary for the past 7 years, after going to a casino for our anniversary, and then finding out that H invited friends to join us (without my knowledge), and then telling me (before friends arrived) to go ahead and play the slots, 'cause he wanted to wander around alone, and then the first night EVER that we didn't make love on our anniversary (during his "performance problem"). Oh, yeah, and no card or anything for the occasion, although he did send me a silk flower arrangement the next Monday after I got a huge gorgeous arrangement from our friends, who were majorly PO'd at H for not getting me anything and told him so.

I told H the next day that I was no longer interested in celebrating our anniversary, because as far as I was concerned, he divorced me when he cheated. I told him then that I wanted a new marriage...not the old one...complete with a romantic proposal, renewing of vows, and even a new wedding date. Well, he finally, at a later date, did ask me to remarry him...but only because he thought I was crying about it. We agreed that it would be nice to do it when we got our stone patio built out by our fish pond. However, it is 2 years later and the stones are still out back in a pile. *I* can't build the patio (those stones are heavy!).

Anyway, I am currently trying to arrange our financial affairs so that we don't lose everything and so that I can support myself independently of my H. I have given up trying to rebuild our marriage. H shows very little interest in meeting my needs (doesn't want to be considered hen-pecked, only he used a more vulgar term). Since figuring out (last fall) that he married me while carrying a torch for someone else, and his big-time love-busting fit a couple of weeks ago, I am done. It would take major effort on his part to change my mind.

Lady Clueless, again, i am sorry for your hurt. i do not want to threadjack paranoid's thread. i really do not know your story at all, i am trying to choose my words carefully... personal growth and recovery can be achieved even without marital recovery.

IMHO, personal growth requires looking at and scurtinizing our own actions and responses to stimulus, as opposed to scurtinizing our spouses actions. this forum then, allows us to share what we are learning. what i am saying is that if you want to help paronoid, help her find solutions. complaining about your own spouse is not going to help her.

octobergirl, i completely agree with you. I also am saying, it is up to the individual to effectively communicate with their S when they feel unappreciated as well as effectively communicate with them what would help.

however, regardless of the S's actions/responses, an individual must continue to love them, that is what we promised to do. (unless and until they divorce).

FL-

I agree, I should've told him how it felt. I'm sure he wouldn't feel good if it were the other way around. This is the exact reason I come here with my questions. Because I know someone will be objective enough to tell me to do something so imple but for some reason I don't see through the emotions to solve the issue. Thanks.

FL, you're absolutely right. I apologize for the threadjack. I actually just wanted to let Paranoid know that it has happened to others. It happened to me, I think, because my H was, at the time, emotionally invested in someone else, and that doesn't seem to the problem with Paranoid.

While I complain about a lack of romance from my H, I do have to say that the physical act is much improved, in that he does take the time and make the effort to please me once we get going.

Paranoid, I hope I haven't discouraged you. I think my situation and H are vastly different from yours. I'm glad you were able to talk to your H about it, and that he was willing to reassure you and be receptive to you.

I think that loving communication between both spouses IS the key to a happy and fulfilling relationship.

No problem LC. I have other (trust) issues as well that may have exacerbated my point of view and overanalysis of the situation. It helps to here that you're not alone. Thanks!

bOb Pure, man I'm glade you said that, I thought I was the only man in the world at my age (50) that had never received OS. I could see falling a sleep after the big-O but not during! I'll bet this man suffers from sleep deprivation.

I guess what you don't know, you never miss MDM ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />