I’m new to the site and I’ve been trying to read what’s out there, but time and energy are in short supply these days. First, I want to thank anyone who cares enough to read this post. I’m deep in hurt in confusion and your concern and support is a lifeline. I’ll try to be brief, but life is complicated, especially when you’re confused, and I don’t want to leave anything important out. Bear with me. Who knows what the “truth” is. Feelings and motivations are ephemeral and sometimes unconscious. Memories are selective and colored by emotion. So much is subjective. Accordingly, I don’t know if there is a “truth” to be discovered. Perhaps a mythology is the best I can do. Nevertheless, this is the current version of my story, and I’m sticking to it:
I’m a 46 year old man, married for 14 years with two kids, ages 13 and 11. This is my wife’s second marriage (she’s 48) and she has two kids that are now grown and out of the house, but when we married, they were about the ages mine are now. I was very immature; having spent most of my life in school (I went to graduate school and had only been out about a year before we met). We had a whirlwind courtship and were engaged within 6 months, married soon after. I’m afraid I did not have a realistic idea of the challenges of marriage, let alone being a step-father to two near teens. My wife’s ex was an alcoholic and a poor father, and I caught the heat for that in the form of a lot of anger and acting out by her kids. I did not handle it well and there was always a lot of tension and fighting, early on. I think my wife thought I’d be the white knight to bring a “happy ever after” to her and her kids, but when it got messy, I feel she was angry and disappointed with my human failings. I realize in hindsight I could have done so much better, but I did the best I could.
We hung in there, and things gradually improved and her children eventually went out on their own. But near the end of this phase, I went through a very rough time and ended up having an affair that was discovered. I won’t make excuses for myself. It was the wrong path to take and I regret it to the marrow of my bones, but what’s done is done. My wife decided to stay and work on things, but I’m not sure why. She was already somewhat emotionally distant and unaffectionate, and this did not improve things. But again, we hung in and I worked hard to try to repair the damage for awhile. It seemed we got through it and things were getting better all the time. I thought we were happy at last, but now when I look back, it seems that perhaps we were only settled.
After about four or five years of relatively calm sailing, about the end of last year, things began to change. My wife’s job changed and she was working with all new people. I did not notice at first, but the emotional distance began to grow. She was more critical of me, less interested in sharing herself or listening to me. She became more and more disinterested in sex.
By January, she started losing weight and making herself up to go to work. New clothes. Suddenly, there were “girls nights” out with her new friends from work – girls and this guy named Ray, who she assured me was harmless. Our relationship was worse than ever. I couldn’t seem to do anything right. When I objected to her new activities away from the family, she accused me of smothering her and that I seemed to want to keep her from having any life of her own. Where we once talked to each other about our days and our feelings, there was a wall, impatience and irritability. We used to check in with each other a couple of times a day, just to see how things were going, to plan meals or discuss what the kids were doing that night; the calls stopped. In fact, she got angry with me one time I called because “I’m always calling her – none of the other husbands call their wives during the day …”.
It has continued to deteriorate. She steadfastly denies that she is having any kind of affair with Ray or anyone else. There is some circumstantial evidence to the contrary, but I can’t be sure. She tells me that she needs her space right now and that she does not have anything to give to me or to our relationship. And she is giving nothing. She shows no interest whatsoever in me or our relationship. She will not go to couples therapy, saying that she needs to work on herself first, and right now, she does not know if she will ever be interested in working on our relationship. She just started some IC, and I have been going for a few months.
The family counselor told me to concentrate on being the best Dad I could be, to take care of myself, and give her space, while showing her that I was there for her. He told me that there was nothing else I could do at this point to affect her commitment or her feelings for me. I’m dying a slow death here – please give me some perspective. Does this kind of thing ever turn around, or am I on the Titanic? What can I do? The pain has scrambled my brains so I can’t work, eat or sleep.
Please give me some insight if you can!
