I just don't understand. I Know my H and OW made the very unwise decision to engage in unprotected sex together, but to me, that's the end of the responsibility my H did to contribute to such a screwed up situation. Furthermore, I give my H the benefit of the doubt that he was in a "fog", he had been "kicked out of his house" and his marriage was in shambles, he was sneaking in and out of his office to sleep (he owns his business) so the other tenants in the area wouldn't notice and he was an emotional mess, not knowing whether or not his marriage could be saved or even if he wanted to try anymore. Not an excuse, but what is OW reasoning?? She's 31, it's not naivety, maybe stupidity or just lack of experience I guess. Or maybe the world's just all about her and she takes what she wants. I'll go with that one. Now, after having acknowledged my H and OW's complete disregard for me and our 3 children, everything that comes thereafter has been of the OW's choosing. So, I do hold her responsible for much of my anger these days. My H broke my trust in him, he lied and cheated and acted foolishly, but following that OW made the decision to have his child with complete disregard to how her own child will feel about this one day or the affect of this on my family. Not that she should care about me one ounce, but obviously now, I don't give two beeps about her now do I?

Our situation has gone smoothly compared to most on this board, but even with a sane OW in my life, I'm amazed at what she expects. I know she had this child because a) she wanted it b) she had no excuse NOT to, she is gainfully employed, owns a home and is mature and sane enough to be a good mother. and oh yea, c) She thought my H made more $$ than he does. I respect her right to make her decision as a woman. What I don't respect is that in wanting as much as the court will give her financially, she also wants sole custody and limited visitation.

As far as the financial picture, I have to say that if you can protect yourself in situations like these, you should surely do so. Our OW makes more than we did when we had our first child (and there were 3 of us to support), the OC is an only grandchild on her side and grandma and grandpa have plenty to give. No this is not the point, but thought I would point that out. H should be EQUALLY responsible financially for the child, but he is actually 65% responsible, as he makes more than she. After struggling financially to build a business while raising 3 young children, OW steps in and says I DESERVE..... you deserve what?? You deserve help, but the court doesn't acknowledge that me or my 3 children even exist, but insist that OC be supported to some "standard" that never was. whatever. It irks me that she knows this as well, but refuses to work things out with us. Yea, if I have to make adjustments to gain some fairness for MY children, your darn straight. They DO exist and I have to stand up for them where the courts will not. OW does not DESERVE rights to the assets of the marriage, she did not do anything to help earn them.

And really what are her consequences exactly??? She gets to raise a beautiful little baby that SHE WANTED and decide when or if we participate and get a nice check once a month to stick in the bank. YES, the OC deserves financial support, but in my case most likely after all is said and done my children will be living at a lower "standard of living" than she. Yea, it burns my butt, but it burns my butt more that OW knows this. Once again, it's all about her. And, no it ain't easy being a single mom, but did she consider what life was going to be like for me, 5 years older and 2 kids richer than her when she was sleeping with my H. No, I don't feel sorry for her one ounce, she's got it good. Got what she wanted, somebody pays her and she can do whatever she wants.

The issues I am specifically dealing with right now is that she limits H's visitation because she says, well, I made commitments to "such and such" that they could watch the child, because THEY were there for her during her pregnancy when HE was not. Like THEY decided to have a baby and he reneged. He's MARRIED dumby, don't you get it!?!?!? YET!?!?!? And yes we did pay half of all medical bills without requiring proof. Now she is denying H's desire to have joint legal custody. He was good enough to screw and let yourself get pregnant by (yea, I said that) and then have his baby and take his money, but he's not fit to make a single decision regarding OC's welfare???.

I have been an OW once when I was 21 as I'm sure some of you have already heard much of my story, but I believe I would never have had an OC and if I did, I would compromise my wants knowing the other parties involved had no say in what I did with my body.

So, our court date is coming soon and then it will all be in black and white and that will be that, the good and the bad. I think I need to stay away from this site for a while. All the debate really gets my goat. But I tell ya, when it's tight around here financially and I can't get my kids new shoes for school or sign them up for dance or soccer, it's her I'm mad at. Ever since coming clean all my H has wanted to do is "the right thing" by me and all of his children, we just didn't have any idea how devastating this would be to us financially or that the courts would be so one-sided. Some days I'm over it and then others. like today I just get mad all over again. And you know what being a BS doesn't stop me from being accountable for my actions, but niether does having a MM impregnate you.

Coldday you have some valid points. I agree with you wholeheartly that your husband, that child's bio father has just as much rights as she does. If he is seeking them. It sounds like he is. She should consider herself lucky in that respect. As you have read, alot don't have contact with there oc. (a personal choice)

I can also understand the financail end of what your talking about but on the other end.

I too have a desent job, I have a home food on the table and even though my kids may have to wait for certain toys, really they don't do without. My sticth put me in a finanacal swril with legals bills and it affected my kids. As well xmm played alot of games which he did not get away with in the end, but his family is not wanting for nothing either. All I wanted for my daughter what was accurate by the state guidelines.

What any woman chooses to do with her child is a personal decision.

Just as it's hard to let go of your child (especially at a young age), if you have to you have to. Both sides have to accept things in this triangle.

I don't understand why she would try and not allow your h to have equal rights to the child. I don't understand why the court is allowing this.

All I can say is I hope that your court date goes well, and that all can "win" a piece of the pie.

Good luck

"I agree with you wholeheartedly that your husbadn, that child's bio father has just as much rights as she does"

-unfortunately the court doesn't think so.

"All I wanted for my daughter what was accurate by the state guidelines"

-unfortunately under state guidelines they assume CoM have already been spoken for through courts by D. THerefore the state guidleines in cases where BS and WH stay married, they ignore the CoM. The state guidlines, like any bureaucracy doesn't account for the "unusual", it's just a michine calculating numbers. I want her to have for her child, but the state ignores me and she knows this. We COULD go into court with an agreed upon visitation schedule and CS amount that is fair to ALL and all the court would have to do is approve it...but she thinks she's entitled to whatever she wants once again dismissing the existence of H's family. I've "accepted" and "understood" a lot and never said a cross word to OW. Screw me over emotionally and I'll get over it, but screw with my pocket book, ESPECIALLY when it comes to my children, well she DESERVES whatever Karma is coming her way in my book. We all have to pay those legal fees as well.

Oh well, I guess I'll be happy with my new and improved H and M and let OW make whatever bed she lies in and stay on high graound. Thanks for the well wishes, my expectations are not high though.

Cold day I responded to you last night and lost the reply and was to tired to do it again. Sorry.

Anyway. I don't know what state your in, or if you have an attorney.

YOU need to do some education on your own and research though.

I know that most states do take ALL kids into consderation. No matter what they all have to be taken care of.

KT can give you some advice on what they did. They were able to do some type of hardship that lowered there child support. Hopefuly she will chime in.

Again, I would research and go to your states revised statue and look to make sure that your getting your fair share of the laws in that state. Then go from there. I'm sorry you guys are having such a hard time. I can truely understand it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again NTMO, We do have an attorney, but he never has good news. Possibly I'll be surprised in court. In our state they do not take other children into account. They do give us a minor deduction for having three kids, so that works in our behalf, although it doesn't make much difference $$ wise. The backwards part about that is that if she had other kids (and we did not) we would pay more to account for them as well. I think I live in a backwards state and it has yet to catch up with the changing world ;-).

My lawyer didn't mention the hardship thing, but I will ask him to at least give the judge a synopsis of situation, i.e. short-term affair, I'm going to school and have no income, 3 young children, one with congenital defect and outstanding medical bills for that child. May make no difference, but I think it should be mentioned.

Our court date is in a week and a half. As long as it's not worse than I suspect, I think I'll be alot no matter what the judgement. Take care, Stephanie

Good luck in court. I know what you are feeling like right now. But you may be surprised at how the judge rules. We were. No back child support plus no repaying the state.

NTMO is right. You MUST do research on your own to stay informed. You may find something in your child support laws for your state that your own attorney is not aware of. It's worth your time.

Take care,

ent

I often suggest this to anyone... call other lawyers as if you were interested in possibly hiring them... ask them what thier strategy would be and why.

I have often done that.. I take the suggestions if diff from what we are doing then give them to my lawyer and ask; WHY are we not proceeding this way?

I think a fresh look and other ideas that may not have occured to your attorney may help to get your attorney thinking more.

It cant hurt and all the phone consults are FREE.

Cold day remember you are paying your attorney. Don't be afraid to be proactive. What ent and cordeilla says is true.

Hello,

I know a lot of states don't consider other children unless there is a court order CS. You can always appeal. This was done if a few states and it went all the way to the state supreme court and the ruling was the CS guidelines were unconsitiutional and they had to take all the children into account. So, they had to change the guildlines to consider all children equally. I don't remeber what state though.


There was a member on here CDCOLLINS she is a lawyer now and she might be able to help you!

I know she would encourage a FAUX seperation and file for CS yourself.


Dawn