Hi All!
I'm so confused and sad. My husband and I have been separated for almost 5 months. I betrayed my husband and had an affair. I have done everything to try and prove to him that I am sorry - I have written our families, tried to be as good a friend and wife as I could be...but he remains very ambivalent.

I have not had any contact with my former lover since last June 2004 (over a year ago). With some guidance from some of the posters here - January 2005 I confessed everything to my husband and for better or worse I turned over all kinds of "evidence".

Well here we are separated. After a payback affair with his exwife (they went to Europe together in May of 2005)we had started seeing each other more. He was saying that he had forgiven me and was not so angry. We had some good talks and restarted marriage counseling. I was really trying to encourage "us". We went on a weekend trip 2 weeks ago and I thought we had a really nice time.

I went to the house last Sunday - and my H was impaired (slightly intoxicated). This is always a huge LB for me - we have a history of struggeling with this. I had told him many times that for me to be happy in our marriage he needs to change his drinking habits. His drinking always got in the way of our time together. When he wasn't working or on call (ie the few days we had to be together) he would drink to unwind. He has a very stressful job.

Anyway, I got upset with him because I felt he was intoxicated. He said I was wrong and reacted very strongly (which makes me think he WAS drinking). He ordered me out of the house and I left.

He emailed me on Monday saying:

"I've been thinking about our interactions and both of our responses to last Sunday. I was at a loss for words about your accusations and your rush to leave. When I carried my glass back to the kitchen after my shower, I put away in the fridge the bottle I had earlier opened and that we had used, and found an older nearly gone bottle lying on its side on the glass shelf. I took it out so that it would be finished before it went bad.

I think that your aunt may have something. We should feel free to check out the scene to see if that reality is congruent with our ideas of it. I'd really love to believe after all that we have given for this relationship that you and I are amongst the best possible matches. I think however that your unwillingness or inability to see me as a loving person and my hurt (anger?) makes it doubly difficult. I probably shouldn't be writting this when I am so fatigued - but the truth is that is how I feel."

He is intimating that he wants to "check out the scene" - meaning date others during our separation! This is not what I want - but I'm at a loss and I'm getting very frustrated with his "ambivelance".

I screwed up and emailed him back:

"you know - since our separation you've done what you've wanted to do without any consideration of my feelings or agreement (remember me asking you to please reconsider your trip?) - I don't know why you should even bother asking me - just do what you want (you've probably already have). I'm tired - if you loved us and wanted "us" you would have shown some interest in our marriage by now...you are consistent in one thing only - you push me away with your anger and inability to give up drinking..... I give up. Sunday you (again) kicked me out of the house "leave!" so how you are at a loss of my leaving is beyond me and you can't even own up to being impaired ... you know it is my ultimate "love buster" but you can't/won't do anything about it. I'm just so discouraged...... do whatever you want....I'll cancel all of the plans we've made..."

But I don't want to give up - I want to repair my marriage. I want my husband to stop drinking, I want to be a good wife and have a loving marriage with my husband.

TMCM has advised me to Plan B when my H was with his exwife and now I'm wondering if I am finally at the place where I should just attend Alanon meetings and "go dark".

So now it's Thursday and there has been no communication.

I would be grateful for any support or help.

Cis

Hi MBers - will you help me? Does it make sense for me to plan B now or should I keep going with Plan A.....

If you read several of the posts on this site you will see at least two very consistent themes. 1. People who are in committed relationships desperately want them to work and satisfy their longing for connection, in spite of the foolish and hurtful things they do to each other and 2. People in committed relationships accept behavior that is completely unacceptable. You would never have put up with your husband if he said at the outset of the relationship “I want to keep drinking and seeing other woman while I’m with you. Is that OK?” He would never have married you if you had said “I want to have an affair once in a while. Is that OK?” Both of you would have said no and looked for a partner who met your needs appropriately and consistently.

Yet that is what you are both expecting to put up with now. Both you and your husband have made mistakes and hurt each other, both of you have done things that the other person finds unacceptable and you both have some desire to resolve these issues and create a satisfying relationship. But neither of you can continue to have it both ways. Both of you must stop loving and hurting at the same time.

Now is the time for both of you to grow up and be mature about your relationship. You must tell your husband that you want to re-establish the marriage but on new terms. No drinking and no contact with his ex-wife. In return you will end all of your affairs. Maybe he needs to change jobs or you do, or both. You must do whatever it takes to make your marriage relationship the priority. You will now operate on a new basis – trust, honesty, joint agreement etc.

You might think these standards are tough but it’s exactly what people expect of a marriage, nothing special or more demanding. If you think back to when you first got together each of you was on your best behavior and did just what was required to make the other person happy. You fell in love and lived happily for a while. Then gradually reality set in. He offended you, but you let it slide and vice versa. So it became possible for each of you to hurt the other person significantly while still calling it a marriage.

So now there is no marriage. He’s gone and wants to “check the scene”, you want to restore the marriage but on new terms. You cant make him come back, you cant force anyone to do anything. It must be a completely voluntary decision as it was when you first married. Only this time neither of you have blinkers on. Now you really know what for better or worse means and you either accept that or not.

So plan B is the right way to go for both of you. If both of you can agree to restore a monogamous, exclusive non-abusive relationship, where you both work hard to minimize hurting each other then there is every chance that you are the best possible match. But if one or both of you can’t make that commitment it’s over.

That doesn’t make the grief, loss and pain any less but it makes it less confusing. Both of you have to set and stand by the standards you are willing to accept in the relationship and stop settling for second best. It will hurt if he won’t come around but at least you know where you stand and what you will and will not accept from a partner. You can hold your head up knowing you did the “right” thing, a little late perhaps but better late than never. Whatever happens it builds your self esteem knowing that you won’t settle anymore.

I hope it works out for both of you. Good luck.