This is one thing that worries me - if I let her come back after this; what is to stop it from happening again? I set up boundaries before our marriage and it didn't stop anything; what is different this time? I already feel used enough; and now I feel like a walking mat/backup plan...of course she won't quit this behavior; especially since she knows I have filed separation papers and not divorce papers - she knows she can come trampsing right back if she gets sick of getting used.



That's correct; shes the only girl I've ever been with; and while this is one reason I cling to hope so greatly, the greater reason is because of my religion and stance on marriage; in my eyes marriage is something sacred - something I would fight to the death for; however...I also believe that, infidelity is grounds for divorce - now its just come down to making a decision. Basically, I need to see if there is ANY chance of her changing her ways within a reasonable time period - this looks EXTREMELY uncertain, but - I will run Plan B for myself; if anything to know that I gave her a chance to prove to me that she cared...which at the moment it appears she doesn't. Once I leave her life we'll see if that remains the case; which I highly believe it will. The only thing that even hints remotely close to her possibly changing was her begging me not to leave and becoming all clingy when I stopped talking to her for a week and a half. We'll see...

Fox-

First of all, I am so sorry. I was afraid this is what would happen.

Second, if you are truly going to go to Plan B, you cannot cave the first time she shows some interest in you. I have serious doubts of what type of M you can have with her, but I think Plan B is an important step in all of this. Who knows what may happen with her, but you need to do this for you-- so you never have to say,"What if .....?" But, Plan B is not for the faint of heart. You have to stick to it and stay dark until she meets the requierements for R. And, do not talk to her without consulting us. If you go back into things too quickly, she will know, always, that she can walk all over you.

Now, the one thing that has not been addressed yet is exposure. Should he do this before Plan B? Would it make any difference with so many As?

I wish you the best. I know how much you want this to work. Follow the plans, follow the steps, and if Plan B does not work, you will have lost your love for her and getting a D will be much easier. There is a good section about this in SAA- where Dr. H explains why Plan B is so important for the BS.

One last thing, you talked a lot about how "little" the things you have done in the M were compared to the things she did. I think this sort of attitude does not help things. She may have done all of this even if you were the perfect H, but maybe not. You need to be honest with yourself about the things you need to change to be a better H in this M or the next. If you are downplaying your role in all of this, then is it surprising that she does not think these changes you have made are permanent? So, work on you too. This is not only about Shannon, it's about being a better Fox. Then, who knows what may happen.

Oh, and, it is not your job to save her. You seem so focused on saving the M, but have you really stepped back to decide whether what you had is worth saving. How much of the time were you happy? How much of a foundation do you have? Is she good for you? Are you good for her? Why do you want her back? etc. STOP- and really step back and look at things realistically. I get the impression you are moving forward blindly. Do you think that she is the only one who will have you? Are you afraid to be alone and that is why you are hanging on? I am not trying to be cruel, just things to consider. Ask yourself- is it Shannon I want or just the M itself? What does she have that makes you want to stay married to her? Do you love the real Shannon or the illusion? Do you even know her? Not that things cannot improve in this M, but both of you need to want that and be willing to do it.

Good Luck. I remember D-day and I thought I could never surivive such incredible pain. Then, he had 2 more D-days <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Infidelity sucks!!

Fox

A word of advice.

Shannon will be VERY credible, angry, distraught, pleading that she hasn;t had a's and you are wrong.

And your heart , wating DESPERATELY to believe her may start to drive your mind.

DO what you do knowing she had affairs. Do not let her twist your mind.

Squid tried this.MANY Ws try this.

Don't believe a word. Believe the evidence of your own methods.

There is no excuse or innocent reason to do what you outlined to me in mail.

She is a WS. Grieve it but face it and do not listen to any 'yeah , but..'s

Fox,

I am worried about you, friend. Though you feel like you are hanging on by a mere thread, just know that there are many out here pulling for you and praying for you. You are truly in God's hands.

You have been given solid advice and I hope you will proceed to Plan B (before D) and can follow it to the letter. If she doesn't meet every one of your requirements for continuing the marriage, then it just doesn't go on indefinitely.

Here's what worries me, most, FoxOr. Your wife has deep-seated psychological problems and you are right to worry that she will go back to her ways even after a hard-won second try at making your marriage work. Take it from someone who has suffered through two affairs: unless she can commit to long-term individual counseling to find out why she acts the way she does, she will always be driven by needs that she can't control because she doesn't understand them.

In short, I am afraid your marriage holds no hope for healing unless she can get help. And you can't force her to do that.

Praying for you.

~ Snow

I've done a lot of thinking - and this isn't what I want.

I don't want to be with this woman anymore; the lying and all of the betrayal - its been going on for nearly two years. I want to find a REAL christian wife who is REALLY committed to marriage and actually understands what marriage is all about. Shannon is way too broken inside to ever understand this unless she seeks serious counseling; which its become appearant that she doesnt think theres anything wrong with her.

As bad as this sounds - her womb is so polluted already from sleeping around that shes probably already infertile. I am not risking contracting any other STDs from her; I got lucky that what she gave me wasn't permenant. I will probably follow through with a Plan B; only for myself before I serve her papers.

However - I was thinking of exposure...and I had a brilliant, yet devious idea - so I don't think its really appropriate BUT...just for kicks and giggles...

She has been meeting all of these men through Match.com - I thought of signing up for an account as the "Perfect man" for her; with a fake picture and name, and lulling her into meeting me somewhere for a date; at which point I arrive at this "date spot" and serve her divorce papers. :| Wouldn't that be a pleasant shock for her...ugh

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sigh...

LOL!! That reminds me of an old song where someone responds to a personal ad written by their own spouse!!

It could be fun enticing your WW that way and slapping her with the papers, but I think I would rather see you keep your dignity intact. Playing the game could rip you to shreds emotionally, Fox. You need to get strong now.

~ Snow

yeah I know - i was only being half serious..

I'm not a vindictive person.

However, I am serious about leaving her and moving on with my life. She will use me no longer.

She can only use you if you allow her to do so.

~ Snow

well...if i write a Plan B letter she will continue to use me; that is the only reason why I am hesistant...

There is no way she can USE you if you write a Plan B letter. The letter only lays it out simply: Your love for her is dying and that in order to protect the last shreds of your love for her you must cut yourself off from her hurtful ways.

Tell her you know about the online affairs and that she has been dating.

Tell her what you require from her to give the marriage a second shot.

But then stay dark. If you are dark, she can't use you at all. She can't get her emotional fix from you. And you won't have to deal with her chaos.

See what I mean?

~ Snow

But she is still married to me and seeing other people - that in a sense, makes me feel used.

I guess it is all in the way you look at it. To me, you would be allowing her to cake-eat (i.e., use you) if you continue to have conversations with her knowing full that she is having affairs behind your back. This allows her to get what she needs from you while still getting what she wants, too.

In a stellar Plan B, you remove yourself from her life so she can't continue to use you in this way. She can no longer get her Aaron fix. She plunges headlong into her bad decisions and you take no part. She can't drag you down with her because you're protected yourself by going dark.

Plan B gives her one last chance to realize -- perhaps for the first time, really -- that she CAN'T use you and that she is indeed losing you. If that doesn't wake her up then the marriage is over. Plan B isn't permission for her to do what she wants. It is for you to stay clear and take the time to give your marriage its last shot. And if it doesn't work, you will be ready to move on because you will have protected yourself from all of her insanity. You will gain strength.

~ Snow

Fox,

Even in a young marriage, you have a bit of time before you plunge headfirst into divorce. I would suggest that you do what Mortarman and Snowbelle (and others) are suggesting---a solid Plan B separation. Get her out of your hair for a while. It will give you some breathing space to consider what you want. I would also limit contact with friends who tell you to "dump her." I would prefer that you come to that decision in your own time.

It might be only a few weeks before you're ready to file. Maybe a few months. Might even be a year. But when you're ready for divorce, you can move forward. She controls nothing. And God forbid that she has this "come-to-Jesus" moment and comes back to you willing to try---then you'll have some really difficult decisions to make, and I'm not sure how you would go about structuring a recovery under this situation.

A good Plan B is good for you---better than a quickie divorce. You're not quite at that stage, and there's no reason for you to hurry it.

as dumb as this sounds -

the last thing i want is to go into plan B and have her file for a D instead of me filing;

I don't want her having the last word in this; because what she's done is NOT right and she needs to see how badly its damaged my love for her.

Yeah Fox...revenge thoughts are nice. Kept me warm many a night during the darkest hours of the affair.

But...

If you do Plan B right and if she doesnt come back during that time...if you reach the point of Plan D, you will not feel anything. That is the great thing about Plan B. it allows you the time to get back on yor feet and get your stuff together. Together for Shanno if she comes back. or together for your new life.

If she doesnt come back, then when you reach the point of divorce, it will be almost matter of fact. That is why Dr. Harley says Plan B should go on for a little while. In order to fully get to the point where you will be ready to go.

I know you said in your last post that you are done, but son...I have been in your shoes and I can tell you it aint that easy. You have some time before you will be at that point.

So, as JustLearning said to me when I went to Plan B, dont make any longterm plans, dont say never. Just live my life, concentrate on tomorrow and let things flush themselves out.

So, give her your Plan B letter...then go dark. Plan B or divorce really isnt any different for you. In either case, you shouldnt be dating, as you have some healing to do. Really, the only person that would want a quick divorce is Shannon. And if it were me, I'd make her do all of the work and drag it out. I was in no hurry. And you shouldnt be either. Look I was in my late 30s when this all happened. You are in your 20s. You have PLENTY of time once this is all over.

So, revenge away in your head if you have to. But get started on the rest of your life. remember what I said above...YOU are now in charge.

In His arms.

Alright - I'm going to go work out my Plan B letter right now.

Lyrics: Do you like pina colada? Gettin' caught in the rain? ....... do you have 1/2 a brain?

After what I went through, I don't like that song anymore. Not even pina coladas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Is that the one? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
By Rupert Holmes

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad.

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"..

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

Yea, that's the song. The 1/2 brain part really sticks out now. LOL!!!


So this is a pre-A song? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

There was an Indian Movie my H had a 'small part in'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> He was listed in the credits but they cut out his scene. Anyway it was about a business man who took out an add, his W answered it and they met in San Francisco. She went with her daughter. The story ends after much bitterness, that the 2 of them get back together. It was filmed in the Bay Area. That was after his A thing but it sure gave him another perspective. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This stuff is what horror movies are made of. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Yep, that's the cheesy song I was thinking about. They make it sound so romantic cuz they were really meant for each other... never mind they almost cheated on each other.