Hi all. My D-Day was 7/5 /05 I found out the A confronted her and she left the house. I have been in a fog ever since, I don't sleep right, I don't eat right. Last night we got togather with mutual friends and were drinking. When We walked out we had a fight about the OM and all the things that have come between us. She told me that right now he is who she wants to be with, but she is confused and angry that I act like nothings wrong. We cried, we hugged. I told her I would not play 2nd to anyone, as I left her I slipped a ring I had bought her for our 7th anniversary ( Monday the 1st)into her pants pocket.She called me three times since with the fact she thinks she has ruined everything ,She called this morning(4am) to apoligize and to tell me she still loves me.I am numb and don't know what to do. Maybe its to early for plan A or Plan B. There is a huge part of me that wants to restart slowly to rebuild our marriage, there is a small part of me that wants to kick her to the curb and break off all contact with her until she makes her mind up what to do. There are days when I just need to call her to hear her voice. Sorry if this rambles a bit, I haven't sleeped much lately.

Im sorry its taken a while to get a response but I'll get the ball rolling. Can you give a little more background? How old are you and your wife? How would you describe the marriage up to now? What are "all the other things between you"? Where is your wife now?
My guess is that she is with the OM and going through the turmoil that such a move creates for all WS.
Hang in there, it will be awful for a while but youre not alone anymore.

Hey Nozzle,

It sounds like a pretty rough situation for the both of you right now. My heart goes out to you. You have come to the right place for help if you want to save your marriage.

You should make a decision about whether you are willing to put the time and effort into saving your marriage... IF you decide that you do want to then you will need to prepare for a possibly very involved and lengthy plan to restore the trust and faith that you two once had in eachother.

First off check out WAT's summary elsewhere on this forum. It describes very accurately what you can expect to see from your WS during the immediate future.

It sounds like you should go to your doctor and get some anti-depressant meds... They will probably prescribe xanax (or something similar) for anxiety and some sort of antidepressent for longer term help.... Take care of yourself and eat well and exercise.. Exercise is a great help because it is something personal that you can do for yourself at the same time funneling your energies into something productive. It will really help you feel much better about yourself and become more confident about everything.

An overview of Dr. Harley's plan is something like this:
- D-Day
- Plan A
- Plan B
- No Contact
- Withdrawl
- Recovery

I would recommend asking your wife to help you identify LB's that you perpetrate against her and working to eliminate those LB's during your Plan A. It's not going to feel good for you but a major component of Plan A is for you to work on changing yourself so that your WS will start to feel safe again.

There are probably very definite reasons that caused the A to happen and those reasons have been most likely caused by the both of you up to now.

The A was not your decision. Unfortunately you had no input into that decision. It is important though that you introspect and identify what you may have done to help create the marital atmosphere that made this possible.

Do not chastise, make negative judgments, show your anger about this, or otherwise abuse your WS concerning the A. Let her know how you feel about it and work at eliminating LB's...

You cannot directly end the A but you can have a very profound indirect affect on it by the way you choose to react and go forward. The A will most likely eventually end at some point because it is based on secretive lies, a second hidden life, and unfaithfulness... The better you implement Plan A the better chance you will have for your WS to end it with a No Contact agreement.. You should also be prepared for her to relapse and contact the OM because it is like an addiction at this point. She is in the fog and cannot see clearly. You need to be very understanding and help her by you eliminating LB's... Let her come to her own decisions about what she is going to do.

Order the books Surviving an Affair, Love Busters, and His Needs/Her Needs...

Not easy. I wish you the best.

That's it for now.

More later,

Thank you for your replies. My W is living with her Dad and continues to see the OM. I have ordered Surviving an Affair and it should arrive by tomorrow. I have been doing better lately through patience and prayer. For a little background , we has issues over the last 2 years such as a financal problems, the sudden death of her mother and 2 weeks later she has a hysterectomy(sp) and then the last straw was a year ago my 17 y/o daughter from my first marriage came to live with us. I have never been much of a disiplinarian with my daughter so my W had to take that role, which a step parent should not do, it caused tension between everyone in the house and finally it all took its toll on our marriage. I have started to resolve the parenting issue and now I realize what my W was dealing with. We talk almost daily about the Dogs( she did not want to leave them behind) and money, bills and stuff, in fact yesterday I actually got her to laugh twice. I think she knows that she made a mistake and now doesn't know how to get out of it. I do have hope! I need to learn more patience and continue to fix what drove her from me. Thanks again for your replies. For all that visit this site just read the posts and replies and it does help!! Someone on this site has been down that road before and can help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Just a little more info. I have lost about 18lbs in a month since she left. I needed to lose about 25lbs anyway ( my W is a heck of a cook) and have started to work out again which has helped. I have a question, my W birthday is the 17th,I had made plans to sent her to a local spa for a massage and then dinner. I'm not sure if she will go to dinner with me yet but I feel I still want to give her the spa treatment. Should I ??