i have that scripture displayed on my fridge!

ps
i'm not sure if you saw my post above...it showed up at the same time you posted soyou may have missed it!

Your welcome.... Actually I have a little background as a Lay Speaker in the Methodist Church.

I saw your requests that you needed for forgiveness, unfortunately I don't have a lot of time tonight so I'll be brief. I love the words of those passages NOW, hated them at one time, but love them know.

A couple of things I want you to consider:

Who is 1st in your life? If Christ is 1st, then you are called to forgive otherwise you are placing you husband ahead of Christ.

But also please look at who you give control of your life to. While harboring these feelings and resentments, you are allowing yourself to be ruled by outside forces. By not forgiving, you are giving your husband power over your life. If you choose to forgive, then you take that power back.

As for how to reach that point of forgiveness, that's the hard one. I would suggest you pray for him. I know you are already doing so, but ensure that you are praying a selfless prayer. Below is one that I've used a time or two:

"Lord, bless so and so. Cause their way to be pleasing to You in all that they do. Lead them closer to you! Cleanse them of all sin and give them the grace and strength to repent of any wickedness in their heart. Cause them to thirst for intimacy with You, and let them be fulfilled in Your presence. Let them honor You and put You first in all their ways. Send Your Holy Spirit to minister to them, to strengthen them, and to lead them. Let them fulfill the call of God on their life. Bless their family/job/ministry/etc. Cause them to be fruitful and to be established in your love. Minister to them in the area of their deepest needs. Help me to be truly concerned for them. Let me have your heart for this person. Show me how to pray for them and love them as you want me to...."

EAV1967,

Thank you very much. That is very helpful. What was the most helpful thing you did to let go of your anger and hurt? Did you just need more time? Was it understanding the circumstances in your marriage at the time? I certainly see my own responsibility for my husband feeling disconnected from me. I also know of outside events that really had been very hard for him around this same time. This knowledge helps. But in the end, it was still a choice he made.

Dear BIll,

Thank you for the prayer. Yes, I pray daily for my husband. This will definitely be included in my prayers tonight.

Hi eagle,

Here are the books I've read:

Torn Asunder (I believe someon already mentioned that one)

I thought We'd Never Speak Again/Laura Davis

After the Affair/Janis Abrahms Spring has a section on forgiving.

How Can I Forgive You?/Janis Abrahms Spring (really good)

Not "Just Friends"/Shirley P. Glass has a section on forgiving.

Here's some stuff out of the NJF book:

Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.
If you are able to free yourself from the anguish and burden of the past through forgiveness, you will move forward in your life journey with a lighter step.

Forgiveness is a choice.
You choose not to be held hostage in the present to the injustices that occurred in the past.

Forgiveness is a process.
In couples who heal together, forgiveness is built on the sincere remorse of the unfaithful partner. It involves both of you.

Forgiveness is letting go of obsessiveness, bitterness and resentment.
Forgiveness is built on a sincere desire to let go of anger and resentment and a conscious decision to take positive steps to move on with your life.

Forgiveness is letting go of the pain.
When you forgive, you free yourelf from the continual suffering without minimizing the injury.

Forgiveness is letting go of revenge and the need to punish.
You make the decision to live in the self-created atmosphere of solutions rather than blame.

The key, I think, is that Forgiveness is a process...YOUR process...no one else's.

For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under the heavens...A time to weep and a time to laugh...A time to mourn and a time to rejoice...A time to forgive and a time to be forgiven… A time to hurt and a time to heal. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

If there's any way I can help, please let me know.

sss

this is exactly how i was able to forgive. i have a new phrase from this experience:

With understanding comes forgiveness.

when my husband first attempted to reconcile, i could not get past the hurt, anger and jealously. at a time when i should have been rebuilding his love bank and avoiding love busters-all i did was use love busters!! after awhile-he gave up trying and his feelings for me "were gone"

by the time i understood my part in the whole situation and tried to rebuild-he had put up a wall so i could not hurt him again.

i'm still trying to tear down that wall but i may have lost my chance forever. Please don't let that happen to you!!!

nothing will ever undo what happened-nothing will ever make his choices right.

But to live with it-Learn from it-forgive it-love again-better than before.

i'm hoping i get the chance to do the same.

LostHusband, this is true and as a Christian I understand the importance of the above scriptures. However, people still need to go through a grieving process and processing all the emotions (of hurt, pain, anger etc.) towards those who have wronged them. They need to go through that process before they can finally heal & forgive...and it isn’t something which will happen overnight... In an earlier post someone said there are two types of forgiveness, e.g. logically & emotionally, and that it is the emotional forgiveness which take much time. This is very true.

Please read the following from the link I’ve posted to eaglesoar earlier on this thread (I’ve decided to copy and paste it here):

THE TRAP OF FORGIVENESS

Most of us have been led to believe that forgiveness is the first step toward healing. There are many experts in the various help professions who sincerely believe that forgiveness is not only the first step but often the only step necessary for inner peace. I disagree completely.

I took a long, hard look at the concept of forgiveness. I began to wonder if it could actually impede progress rather than enhance it.

I came to realize that there are two facets to forgiveness: giving up the need for revenge, and absolving the guilty party of responsibility. I didn’t have much trouble accepting the idea that people have to let go for the need to get even. Revenge is a very normal but negative motivation. It bogs you down in obsessive fantasies about striking back to get satisfaction; it creates a lot of frustration and unhappiness; it works against your emotional well-being. Letting go of your need for revenge is difficult, but it is clearly a healthy step.

But the other facet of forgiveness was not as clear-cut. I felt there was something wrong with unquestioningly absolving someone of this rightful responsibility. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this absolution was really another form of denial: “If I forgive you, we can pretend that what happened wasn’t so terrible.” I came to realize that this aspect of forgiveness was actually preventing a lot of people from getting on with their lives.

One of the most dangerous things about forgiveness is that it undercuts your ability to let go of your pent-up emotions. How can you acknowledge your anger against someone whom you’ve already forgiven? Responsibility can go only one of two places: outward, onto the people who have hurt you, or inward, into yourself. Someone’s got to be responsible.

I also noticed that many clients rushed to forgiveness to avoid much of the painful work of therapy. They believed that by forgiving they could find a shortcut to feeling better. A handful of them “forgave,”, left therapy, and wound up sinking even deeper into depression or anxiety.

Several of these clients clung to their fantasies: “All I have to do is forgive and I will be healed, I will have wonderful mental health, everybody is going to love everybody, we’ll hug a lot, and we’ll finally be happy.” Clients all too often discovered that the empty promise of forgiveness had merely set them up for bitter disappointment. Some of them experienced a rush of well-being, but it didn’t last because nothing had really changed in the way they felt in their family interactions.

People can forgive, but they should do it at the conclusion – not at the beginning – of their emotional housecleaning. People need to get angry about what happened to them. They need to grieve over what happened. They need to stop diminishing or discounting the damage that was done to them. Too often, “forgive and “forget” means “pretend it didn’t happen.”

I also believe that forgiveness is appropriate only when people to do something to earn it. People need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility and show a willingness to make amends. If you unilaterally absolve someone who continues to treat you badly, who deny much of your reality and feelings, and who continue to project blame onto you, you may seriously impede the emotional work you need to do.

At this point, you may be wondering, understandably, if you will remain bitter and angry for the rest of your life. In fact, quite the opposite is true. What I have seen over the years is that emotional and mental peace comes as a result of releasing yourself from someone’s control. And that release can come only after you’ve worked through your intense feelings of outrage and grief and after you’ve put the responsibility where it belongs.

LostHusband, the above is definitely not applicable on eaglesoar and I definitely don’t think her “soul is clouded with a quiet, persistent bitterness”. Remember, she is still in the early stages of recovery and her wounds are still very fresh and raw… It’s only NORMAL for her to still feel very emotional & hurt over the betrayal. It WILL take time for these wounds to heal and she NEEDS to go through the grieving process – it’s important for her emotional housecleaning. As MelodyLane has stated earlier, it take approximately 12-24 months for the BS to recover from betrayal IF the FWS is open and honest to the BS as much as possible… And currently eaglesoar’s H doesn’t do all the necessary things to help her heal & recover… Are you suggesting with your post that eaglesoar must bypass her grieving process in order to forgive her H? This WILL NOT benefit her because recovery & healing won’t come UNTILL she have gone through all the grieving phases…

I don’t think eaglesoar is in an emotional prison right now... As thousands of other formerly BS’s, she just experience emotions right now which are VERY NORMAL for her on this stage of her recovery… Anger, pain, depression etc. is not necessarily evil… It’s just part of the grieving process and emotions one need to go through after a traumatic event. These emotions will get better & disappear as soon as the grieving process is over. That’s all. God doesn’t just slap his fingers and one is instantly released from all the grieving & painfull emotions. It doesn't work that way. Like I’ve said earlier, it’s a PROCESS and it takes time. However, one can pray to God and ask for his help, support & comfort during the grieving & healing process.

Eaglesoar,

How are you doing now?

I have started a thread with LostHusband on forgiveness last week and it was this thread of yours which originally inspired me to start that thread. I please want you to read this post I’ve sent to the thread this morning. I’ve discussed your situation and I don’t want to do it without you knowing or realizing it! You are welcome to add your thoughts to that thread as well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Suzet

Dear Suzet,

Thanks for the post here and the link to the other thread. I am continuing each day to concentrate on several things: as part of my journaling I write a list of all the kindnesses small and large my H extends to me that day. I periodically pull out a list of his admirable qualities which I wrote, re-read it and add to/modify the list. I concentrate on the positive - our recovery and the renewed closeness in our M.

But I still have bad days. At times I feel as if it is two steps forward, one step back. I have prayed on what I am stuck on. I seem to be stuck in that I don't feel my hurt is valid in my H's eyes. My H doesn't want to see any "A" related books in the house, much less read them - he rolls his eyes whenever I open a new package from Amazon (I just received Torn Asunder last week and his reaction showed he was not pleased I had ordered it). I have tried to get him to this website by emphasizing it is for marriage building, but no luck so far. I have given him the questionnaires to complete - he won't do them. But then, he spends a minimal amount of time and effort on the assignments given us by our MC, too.

He says we shouldn't look back but look forward instead.

Forgive him? Of course, I love him dearly. But I feel I can't show my hurt emotions any longer because he judges I am "wallowing in this" and not moving on. When asked if I am doing okay I smile and say brightly "of course, of course." When I really am not. But I REALLY want to avoid another discussion about my failure to get over this and how I am being counter-productive by dredging this up again.

Eaglesoar,

Thanks for the update…

From what I’ve read on these boards since I’ve been here, your feelings as a BS are perfectly normal on this point… You are still VERY EARLY in recovery and it WILL take time & patience to get through the grieving/healing process. All the Former BS’s on these boards who are veterans now and totally recovered from their FWS’s betrayal, will tell you exactly the same thing…. You are definitely not failing to get over this, it’s just a process you are going through and part of the process is to go some steps forward and some steps backwards…. I’m actually thinking you’re doing very good if taking in consideration that your H is so resistant to help you recover from this… You need to explain to your H that it approximately takes 12 – 24 months for BS's to heal from betrayal IF the FWS give their full support, understanding etc. Actually your H is preventing you from moving forward with his current attitude and behaviour and you need to explain this to him in a loving and caring way. It won't help to hide your feelings and pretend that everything is okay...this will only hamper your personal and marital recovery. Your H needs to learn to deal with the truth and with total honesty and openess from you...and to not judge your feelings.

(((Eaglesoar)))

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers,
Suzet

(((eaglesoar))) I really don’t have any advice on your marriage but am going to offer a couple of tidbits on your personal health.


“””as part of my journaling I write a list of all the kindnesses small and large my H extends to me that day.”””

That’s awesome. I used to do a daily gratitude list and reflect on all the things in life I was grateful for, it’s amazing how it would pull me up when I was feeling a bit down. I still do those, but now it’s either on the spot or typically when I unwind on Sunday evening I reflect on all the good things that happened that week.

“””I concentrate on the positive - our recovery and the renewed closeness in our M.”””

Again that’s awesome. Let me share with you something that worked for me. I struggled with this whole forgiveness and healing thing for a long time from both a Christian and mental health stand point. I ended up taking quite a bit of time and writing out ALL of the resentments I held throughout my whole life. I looked at each situation and owned up to my part. It’s kind of funny, most of my resentments where aimed at me but there was still a lot of baggage I was carrying around for others. I them went to a preacher man and confessed/shared this entire list with him. I prayed and released all against those who had wronged me and prayed for my forgiveness. I then took that list and burned it. WOW it was an amazing experience.

”””I seem to be stuck in that I don't feel my hurt is valid in my H's eyes. My H doesn't want to see any "A" related books in the house, much less read them - he rolls his eyes whenever I open a new package from Amazon (I just received Torn Asunder last week and his reaction showed he was not pleased I had ordered it). I have tried to get him to this website by emphasizing it is for marriage building, but no luck so far. I have given him the questionnaires to complete - he won't do them. But then, he spends a minimal amount of time and effort on the assignments given us by our MC, too.”””

That’s sad, I honestly don’t know what to tell you. You can only do your part.

”””He says we shouldn't look back but look forward instead.”””

At a point I agree, but I’m sure you don’t feel that you’ve reached that point and from what you’ve described, it doesn’t appear your relationship has reached that point. So again, that’s sad.

”””When asked if I am doing okay I smile and say brightly "of course, of course." When I really am not.”””

Ughhhh, what do you do? I really don’t believe in hiding one’s health. While I was dealing with some issues in my life whenever someone asked me how I was, I responded “UNBELIEVABLE”. I did so very enthusiastically. It typically drew a positive response from whoever I was talking too and led to some interesting conversations. But what some people didn’t realize is that I had in my mind. By saying I was “unbelievable” I was saying one of three things 1) unbelievable great, 2) unbelievable bad, or 3) don’t believe my enthusiasm.