Thanks to those who responded to my post “diehard dad needs help”. W went to IC and our counselor of course would not reveal anything private to their session, but told me that, in his opinion, couples work would not be productive at this time; W has her own issues that need to be addressed first. He said for me to hang in the best I could and take care of myself and to continue to work on my own issues. But I’m having trouble just getting through the days.

She has told me that she has no interest in our relationship or our marriage at the present time. She has said that she has no desire to meet my needs and she shows no interest in me personally. She does not respond to my interest in her. She has told me that she intends on pursuing outside friendships with men without regard to my feelings about the matter and that, if necessary, she will hide the details from me and lie about them if asked. Yet she continues to deny any affair. Her memories of our relationship now all seem biased negatively. By all emotional points of reference I can relate to, our marriage has ended. As an emotionally significant event in my life, this is on the scale of anything I have ever faced, including the loss of my father. And during that loss, I at least had the sympathy and support of my family and community. Now I have no one – I don’t have a network of family or friends. The fact that she has not announced any final decisions about an “official” divorce provides little solace; it simply makes me feel like the walking dead. I watch powerless as she moves like a ghost through my life, while hearing how she is liberated by being with her “friends”. I am tortured by my imagination of her laughing with and loving the company of another man. I am haunted by my past mistakes and my limitations. I am torn between my desires to give her and our marriage everything I can and the warnings that are becoming louder each day that I need to withdraw and brace myself for the onslaught of pain and loss that now seems inevitable.

I’ve started antidepressants. I need to get some advice and viewpoints on discovering affairs – but I will save those questions for my next post. A few simple words of support from some of you would mean a lot. Thanks.

DHD,

I feel the pain in your words buddy, I've been there and know how it hurts.

I have no advice but just want you to know somebody cares, and knows where you are at.

I can offer to you that it does get better, as impossible as that seems in our darkest days, it will get better.

I'm 20 months out from the misery of D-Day and affair nonsense..WWXW was much like yours.

I'm better now than I was pre D-Day and you will be too.

Let the meds kick in, work on yourself, plan A is for you in the end my friend.

I can feel the pain in your words too! I've been there and I am still there. My WW sounds exactly like yours. She informed me that she was through with us before she started her affair and we would still be having the same problems even if she wasn't having an affair. She also recently informed me that the OM has nothing to do with our problems.

My WW has shown no interest in me for over a year now and when we went to MC she was just going through the motions. Any of the information I give her on the dynamics of affairs is used to justify her actions.

Try not to beat yourself up over her memories of your life together. In her mind you have never done anything positive and all the problems you are having are your fault. Understand that you did have something to do with your marriage getting to this point but you can't make her work on it if she doesn't want to.

She will continue to deny that she is having an affair until you catch her, do not let this stop you from spying on her. It is devastating to find out she is with another man but it does make alot of the things you have seen and heard make sense and at least stops you questioning your sanity.

You need to take care of yourself and your children now because the person you have shared your life with is gone now. She may or may not come back. I know this is tough to hear but you need to plan for it. She has no feelings for you right now so don't expect any sympathy or caring from her and if you do get it don't take a lot of stock in it because it can be used just to keep you in line. I know you don't want to hear these things but I am speaking from experience and I just want to help others who are going through what I went through.

You are unfortunately in this for the long haul and it is the hardest thing you will probably ever face so keep coming here and listen to what the wise veterans have to say. They have made it through this and so will we! This is the one life we and our children have so we have to!

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

There are at least three books you should get and read asap.

1. His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
2. Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard Harely and Jennifer Chalmers (his daughter)
3. Love Must be Tough, By Dr. James Dobson

Read all about Plan A and Plan B on this site as well as all the concepts and articles if you haven't already done so.
Although you may think that your situation is hopeless just know that many of us heard similar things from our WS's. They have a tendency of rewriting the history of your marriage and even making it worse as time goes by. Chances are she was in a EA long before a PA started. She will lie about all aspect of the A and they will deny unless provided clear evidence...even then many try to deny and spin.
They try to make it seem like you are the crazy one.

You are not alone. WS's become like aliens while in the fog of an A. Your WS in not unique nor is her A.